Breaking the Cycle

I grew up being verbally, emotionally and physically abused. My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive to me. My father would say nothing when it happened. My brothers and I weren't allowed to defend ourselves. If we did, my father would pull us aside and tell us not to say anything to her because when we did, she would yell at him later and he didn't want that. We got beaten with the belt for misbehaving. As the oldest and the only daughter, I took the brunt of it. My mother would get drunk and the abuse would go on, literally for hours. I learned not to cry when it happened because she then would say that she was only being honest and when I went out into the real world, people were going to say even worse things to me.
Once I saw on a TV show, a character who became withdrawn (probably catatonic) and couldn't hear what others were saying to them. I found myself wishing that I could get that way so I wouldn't have to listen to her but it never happened. Of course, looking back, I realize that was not something to wish for. Verbal and emotional abuse take their toll. I grew up with poor self-confidence and poor self-esteem. More than one person told me that they think it's amazing that I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol or become promiscuous.
My mother, herself, was verbally, emotionally and physically abused by her father while her mother stood by and said nothing. But looking back, my grandmother was depressed and was browbeaten by him. My mother could not see what she was doing to her own children. She could not see that she was perpetuating the cycle. Oftentimes, she would tell me all the cruel things her father said to her and tell me that I was lucky that she didn't say those things to me. Of course, she never could see that what she said was just as bad.
I longed for someone, anyone, to speak up on my behalf when she was being abusive. Yet at the same time, I feared it happening because I knew that when I was alone with her, it would be even worse!
For years, I wondered if I should become a mother. I feared doing the same thing to any children I would have. However, after I married, I found myself longing for a baby so much that it ached. I wondered what to do and discussed it with my husband. Finally, we agreed to have one child. That way, I wouldn't find myself treating one child better than another and I wouldn't put any undue burdens on a child just because s/he was the oldest.
When my daughter was born, I vowed that I would break the cycle. As she grew, no matter how angry or frustrated I felt over something she had done, I would step back and calm down. Before talking to her about it, I would choose my words carefully. If my husband said something hurtful to her in anger, I would speak up and tell him that was wrong and he owed her an apology. Fortunately, this happened very rarely and he would apologize. We both kept each other in check. If he thought that I was being too strict or was cranky, he would tell me.
So obviously, we weren't perfect and it would have been unreasonable to expect that. But looking back, we worked hard to provide a loving home for her--a safe place to fall.
My brothers don't get it at all. They have been verbally abusive to their kids. I've talked about it to them reminding them what we went through and that they should be careful when talking to their kids. One of my sisters-in-law admits she has been verbally abusive, too. She, too, came from a verbally abusive environment. I don't live close by to either of them so I have never witnessed it happening. All I have is their own accounts and it makes me sad.
I would like to say that my daughter is fine now. Unfortunately, it seems that she inherited the addictive personality and seems to have other problems. She is an adult now, on her own and I hope and pray that she realizes that she needs help. I've gone over it all in my mind many times and realize that we did the best we could. Others have told us that we did a great job with her and shouldn't feel guilty. If there was one thing in looking back that we could have done differently (and hindsight is 20/20 vision!) is we could have been stricter. I think in not wanting to cycle this abuse into another generation, I went a bit too far in the other direction. This is not to say that we let her do whatever she wanted--quite the contrary--we kept a close eye on her. It's just that there were times when she misbehaved we weren't always as tough as we should have been...