Healing for those who might find this helpful.

John O’Boyle to some a friend, to others a brother and to me a farther he was a man filled with fear, guilt, insecurities, a man that took no responsibility for his feelings, emotions and thoughts. He was a product of weakness and his thoughts and beliefs finally took him to his death. Living his life lost, confused, disconnected from himself his family and his life, filled with anger and animosity that was how he released himself to me. I grew up with a farther that took out his rage and discontent with his own life on me. I came into this life as a pure beautiful being of light and love, completely innocent and precious so alive, creative and free! I came with love in my heart and I was received with hate, I grew and as I grew I learned all about the negativity that surrounded me. My innocence striped from me, but did I know what was going on all I new when I came was love and unity but this man didn’t feel the same he wanted my freedom he envied and wanted to take it from me when there was nothing to take. All he had to do was give what was already being given to him love and trust faith and acceptance. Where was his love when I needed it when I needed to have the person that brought me into this world tell me he was my farther to be there for me when I was hurt, feeling confused, when I needed guidance and support, when I wanted to be with him playing, talking spending time with my dad where was he when I needed theses things when in this world were subjected to all the disappointments, disbeliefs, and hurts that come with growth I needed as a child this man to stand for me and love me and this was not in his list of things to do. So I grew into a young man with lack of any fatherly love or parenting I grew a young boy still with a heart of gold and that same child like bliss in my heart but now I felt wronged like I was the problem I was guilty for all my father’s disappointments and mistakes I was a horrible burden on the man I loved how could this be I went around lost and confused trying to figure out my crazy life why did I see others sharing each others company enjoying each other having fun what did they have that I didn’t. I didn’t know but used drugs, so I could alleviate some pain numb myself from this nasty world I grew to know I hide behind anger and trying to be tough and calluses. Unemotional I had begun to hate that beauty with in myself because I was taught from my farther that this was what was wrong with me he infected me like a virus killing me for so many years so I became like my farther the man I loved and hated this is what my dad was like this is how I chose to deal with who he was for along time. Until I saw that light within my self and found that love I once had when I came into this world I loved myself where he did not, I erased my thoughts of who I thought I was and saw the real essence of myself again. I am my own farther and the farther I love is the one I never had he is all the things I am now I accept you dad and forgive you for what you did in my life because I know now that I am none of the things you believed me to be I know that you were never willing to stop blaming the world outside of your self and start looking inside your heart. So for this I am deeply sadden you never wanted to change and death was your choice. I trust that you are better now that you have decided it was time to leave and journey some where you might find solace and love but I know where it is now right here in me all that happens and all that I feel comes from me and that I am responsible for the gifts that are given to me and how I feel about everything is simply that not the other way around my feelings are not yours and you did not make them so why would I blame you when its not what happens to me but how I chose to acknowledge, accept and honor my feelings about what happens and that is what I am fully aware of and accept so it is no longer my fault no longer will I carry the shame, and the guilt for how you chose to feel. Which is why I forgive you dad and let you go because my soul deserves more and unfortunately you chose to die long before you did on the physical plane.

Dear dad, Well you’ve left now gone for good, I have to face all the memories that were only in the shadows of my thoughts so many new feelings rising to the surface buried deep beneath my smile there’s so much more that I feel now then ever and to think I thought I was so finished with my feelings for you. I thought that I had come so far to learn that I’ve only begun, that I will always have the memories of the dad that never was that I will permanently remember you as the man who abandoned his only begotten son. You lost me dad along time ago but what I did not know or chose to acknowledge as much as I now have to is that you might have changed that you might have made that effort that I longed for that I burned for that my dad would some day become a farther to his son. The impact of your death has opened the flood gates of emotions that are pouring out of me like an ocean into a pond, so very much to feel all at once. At some point I know that though being in touch with these feelings enough and accepting and embracing myself though this I will survive I will make it though. The only way though is to let you know how I feel inside and release you from me though every possible feeling I may have so that I may be free of you and forgive you so that my soul my be released from you. It is so terribly saddening and really strikes the heart in a way that I don’t know any other pain could ever come close. It really challenges me to take a good look at myself and my life, and for that I am grateful that I have learned and turned within myself to recognize my feelings and how no one is responsible for them but me. I am the creator of my life and I have chosen everything that has happened to me in my life as well as manifested all the areas and things in my life. In this case I learned to love myself though the lack of love from one of the most influential person in my life my farther also I have learned to be independent of the opinion of others and follow my own path and listen to my intuition and trust in myself more then anyone else. I have learned so much about my self and I feel it is in part of the horrific and traumatizing part my dad played in my life and by accepting this and reflecting on my feelings and feeling ok about all of them opens me to a world of self actualization that is just beginning. It truly is the darkest before dawn and though every breakdown is a break though and the wounds will heal all things change this is certain I welcome all the change I’m going though now and all the change I have to come with open arms I receive this life and with my father’s death my feelings of anger, rage, guilt, shame, insecurity, sadness die with him. My life will now have major changes and I will still working though many, many more feelings obstacles and issues but each one will be felt and honored, respected and cherished and released with a new awareness and a lesson learned from each and everyone. I will live free and know that my life will be filled with love, happiness, harmony, and acceptance for all that is to come. I can now step off the ledge of fear and onto the foundation of love.

Closing:
Nervous, anxious, and very scared, but ready and willing to walk up and speak my peace. I came to the service relaxed but tense emotional but composed I was a pool of emotions waiting for the moment to stand and speak the truth. I walked forward after my mother said her share and faced the ocean breathing closing my eyes and then I turned and faced the crowd. I was shaking my mouth was getting dry and my legs felt like they were going to crumble. I focused for a second and then began my speech. I started with an opening of thanks for those that had come and to show support. I expressed my gratitude and appreciation, but also I made clear and aware that what I was about to say may be of disturbance to some and should that be the case, that they keep in mind that I am expressing my feelings towards my farther. That in no way does what I have to say reflect how they feel in anyway shape or form, and that’s ok because we all knew my dad in different ways and to some he may very well have been something he wasn’t to me. So I shared my empathies on this sensitive matter and opened with my story. I was so brave and courageous and the whole time I was feeling so much truth and freedom. I was being lifted feeling light as air while I spoke the tragedy I lived though and although, what I had to say was so devastating and horrifying I was feeling tranquil and calm. I was release my farther I was release myself most importantly and I was taking a stand for all the kids in my heart that never had a farther there to take that stand, take that complete leap of faith and trust in themselves. I was doing something monumental something like a land mark a transition in my life. A paradoxical shift was taking place and I felt it take shape in my energy fields. I was speaking out! Expressing my deepest thoughts feelings and emotions with those present and it felt so freeing. I watched myself and as I closed with my final thoughts of its not what happens in our life, but how we chose to feel with what happens in our lives. That we all make choices and my dad made his, but I was my own mentor my own master that I made the choice to connect with my genuine and higher self. I was relaxed and comfortable in my expressions I was beyond myself I was in the center of my being and feeling so very enlightened and gifted. This was my moment of truth this was a defining moment a memory that will go on and on. I feel so relived and I know that what ever else is to come that I cannot run any more. That it is time now, to face myself time and time again and face my fears, hurts, hopes, dreams, facing everything that is presented to me and accept it. I have a sense of peace now I have a real feeling of sensitivity and connection with myself funnily enough it’s a feeling that I have been looking for its something I’ve been searching for when all I had to do was stop looking else where and start living my life out loud and express all that is me and feel comfortable being me and I love myself so much more now that I have. I am aware of the unknown and how it can be challenging scary and a huge test in many case this is natural but to understand this and run away is not what I chose any more. That its time to get real and start to feel and tonight I feel this a strong sense of self awareness I am so very grateful for this time right now and love each day that I have to learn more and more.

Healing is something we all can do it just takes the belief and the trust within our selves to awaken our crying souls. God Bless Tweet