Re: girlfriend that has been molested as a child

Hi, Jack,

I must preface this with the obligatory "I am not a licensed mental health professional".

Because I don't have the luxury of anonymity here (since I use my full name), I'm not going to give you specific personal details from any of my relationships. I can give you personal details about myself, if necessary, but I won't go into the same kind of detail about the women I know or have known. I have never had a relatioship with anyone, however, who was not abused in some way, and even most of the friendships (i.e. not an intimate relationship) share that "taint".

I personally never dealt with sexual abuse, although I am extremely knowledgeable, first-hand, as a recipient, about other forms of abuse. Thus, I do have some first-hand and second-hand experience in such matters.

What I offer is my opinion, and it may or may not be valid for your situation.

Here is something which took me thirty-two years to learn: You cannot give something to someone which she is not willing to let herself have.

If you are willing to do whatever it takes to help her get through this -- and this presupposes that, at some level, she wants to get through it -- then go for it. But realize that you might die before ever being intimate with her. If she means that much to you, then go for it.

Chances are, she cannot accept that sex can be something meaningful between two people. Chances are, if you decided to stick it out with her, it would take years for her to come around.

You need to decide whether or not she's the one for you. If she's that someone special for you, then you need to fight for her. Make the decision to stick it out with her and just be there for her. And be ready to spend seven years or twenty years or whatever helping her see that you're not the same bad guy that she's making you out to be (just like all the others who've hurt her).

Also be aware that she might actually do everything in her power to convince you to be just like all the others. She's in her own little private hell at the moment. She's creating her own way of looking at men, which is to say that she will try to find (and succeed at it) the hurt in anything you do. No matter what you do, she will always have this lingering suspicion that you're going to betray her. And the moment you really do -- and she will sorely tempt you to betray her in some way -- you will prove to her what she already knew (all guys are out to hurt her).

She might even try to betray you first -- to try to drive you away. Are you willing to let her betray you? What if she does? Do you love her enough to forgive her BEFORE she betrays you, and keep on loving her anyway?

It may never occur to her that she's solely responsible for assuming that all guys are bad. Yeah, some guys have treated her very poorly in her life, but she doesn't have to choose to let that affect her now. I know far too many people (heck, I've done it myself) who allow the past to be the reason for holding onto really stupid stuff.

Until she finds her reason to let it all go and move forward -- and who knows when that will be or what the magical reason is -- she will replay that hell over and over again.

Ever wonder why some women continue to remain in abusive relationships or, having left an abusive relationship, manage to find themselves in yet another abusive relationship? Well... it basically comes down to these women continuing to seek out men who will treat them the way they think they are supposed to be treated.

Why they think they are supposed to be treated that way is the big mystery -- there are as many reasons as there are people. The sorry fact is that the reason why really doesn't matter -- it's just the glue that holds the behavior in place. We believe in the reasons, and as long as we do, we remain trapped by them.

I was in a relationship at a time in my life when I believed that I didn't deserve very much (OK, a few such relationships, actually). I thought no one would be interested in me physically, or, more specifically, that no one would want to please me, and so I actually created this situation, even in people who were genuinely interested in me as a person and sexually! I couldn't enjoy the sex for any number of silly reasons. I couldn't be intimate, and I actively drove people away -- yet I craved genuine intimacy more than I can tell you.

I can name you all sorts of silly reasons I thought at the time. The truth is that all of the reasons I could name are just silly excuses -- I felt the way I felt because it never occurred to me that I didn't have to feel that way about myself!

Once I stopped believing in reasons and started looking at what I was actually doing, it was easy to change those feelings. But I had to realize that I'm the one creating those feelings. The "reasons" weren't creating those feelings -- I was. I created the "reasons" to explain why I chose to feel the way I did, and they kinda became the glue that kept me feeling those feelings.

I kept lying to myself about this, and I wanted other people to believe in my lies, so I was willing to believe in theirs. It took a lot of bullshit to finally set my bullshit meter off, and, even then, I'd forgive it and let it keep happening because that was all that I thought I deserved. (Yet another "reason" I believed in.)

I would make it easy for people to walk all over me, being a rather giving and generous person, above and beyond the call of duty, and there was no give-and-take, it was all give, give, give (from me). This created a very interesting scenario where, in order to be around me, people would have to get used to the idea of just taking from me. (Be it materialistically, or sexually, or whatever.) I created, by my choices and my actions, situations where I was being taken advantage of because that's the kinds of relationships I would create, even if that wasn't the original intention of the person I was with or whom I was "befriending"! My friends got used to taking advantage of me not because that's what they really wanted, but because that's what they got used to with me.

I had no respect for myself, and I couldn't accept any from anyone else, either. Admiration was not allowed; I'd change whatever behavior resulted in any of that right quick.

I had to go through a pretty major hell of my own in order to finally reach my breaking point and decide that I'd had enough of my self-torture, my self-abasement, my self-denial. I had to decide that I was worth "it", whatever "it" happened to be. I had to decide that this blame game had to end, and I don't necessarily mean blaming others. I blamed my reasons for my feelings -- that had to stop, too. Sometimes other people factored into those reasons. But it was these silly reasons I kept holding onto...

Once I realized that I'm the one making my feelings, and that these reasons are nothing more than decisions that I stuck to myself, it was pretty easy to start feeling what I wanted to feel, and to start believing in myself. And everything else has just started falling into place as a result.

And the sex got a lot better, too. *grin*

The point of this? I had to go through hell to finally realize that I didn't need my hell any more, and I took my wife with me through it (and I got to go through hers...). Are you willing to go through hell with her? If you're not, then get out of this relationship fast. But if you know she's the one you want to be with, then brace yourself for a bumpy ride and be ready to be sorely tested. Hell hath no fury...

Good luck!

=-John-=

P.S. If it's any consolation, the rewards at the end do make the risk worth taking, if she really is "the one". And if she really is "the one", then *know* that she will get through it, because she will. I know what I wrote makes it sound a bit hopeless, but it's not. I just don't want to mislead you or patty-cake you or bullshit you. It takes as long as it takes, but if you're not willing to commit 100% (and she demands nothing less...), then you will fail at this relationship.
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