Re: Maysoon-Inner Monologue

P.A.P. Escaping Your Inner Monologue Alcatraz
September 9th, 2005

Escaping Your Inner Monologue Alcatraz

Okay, I know I said in my last column that I don't ever want to get married but being a P.A.P. affords me the luxury of changing my mind and I have decided to marry Kanye West. I am totally in love with him and we are going to have like a thousand milk chocolate babies. Why? Could it be because he's written some of the most brilliant rap lyrics ever ("I need Jesus like Kathy Lee needs Regis!") or is it because he has enough bling to keep me in the princess lifestyle I am so accustomed to? No. I am marrying Kanye because on live television on the number one ranked network in America, he said, "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Amen brother, you go on and completely forget that whole overrated inner monologue and speak the truth.

We are told from an early age, "If you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all." These unspeakable thoughts are known as your inner monologue. In this column I am abandoning my inner monologue to say a lot of things I having been dying to say but haven't mainly because the gorgeous and super talented Suheir Hammad is constantly reminding me to use my inner monologue. The following is a list of things I'd like to say to certain people now that I've been inspired by Kanye West. Please feel free to look on in horror a'la Mike Meyers.

1. To Arab Men:
You're mother is not that special. Your back hair must be waxed if you'd like to go to the beach. Are you seriously asking me to pay for my $1.35 bagel? You're non Arab girlfriend is so not hot. Seriously you need to button the top of your shirt if I am expected to be able to eat. Stop with the cologne your making my asthma act up. Eww, what's with the long pinkie nail?

2. To Lebanese girls who dress like prostitutes:
Step away from the plastic surgeon. I dare you to eat this cheese burger. You are not French so just shut up! Ces va?(check spelling) You totally married him for the money and you know what that makes you.

3. To Activists who are way too gung ho:
Stop speaking for me cause you are way too crazy. Bathe! Look if there's no dancing I'm not going to your stupid protest. It's 112 degrees you can take off the kuffeyah now.

4. To Palestinian Mother-in-laws:
You make Israeli soldiers look sweet. Your son is not Jesus even if his name is Issa nor should he be treated like a prophet just cause his name is Mohammed. Your son is not special. Well, my mom doesn't cook it that way. If you keep making that face it'll stick that way. No, he couldn't have done better. Yes, I am going to spend all his money. Shush!

5. To my baba: A 55 year old with four kids and a sick wife is not the perfect guy for me to marry just because he's an engineer. Stand up comedy is not the same as stripping. No I'm not fasting, I have my period. Why do you keep telling people I am 21? Tampons will not make me lose my virginity. Marrying your cousin is twisted.

6. To my ex fiance:
Yes, I am having you killed.

I have a couple of more general inner monologues that need to come out:

Sure I'll drive you home just give me gas money. Oh my God in heaven that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. This house smells like cat pee and that means you are dirty. Touch his hand again and I will break it. Wow! You totally got fat. Your dog is a stupid filthy animal and if it licks me I'll have it put to sleep. No, I didn't miss you. He broke up with you because your barking mad. Please stop dancing, it's making my eyes bleed. Somebody please kick Britney Spears down a flight of stairs. And finally, Yes, I know I've met you fifteen times and no I don't remember you because you're simply not memorable because you have the personality of a box of wet hair.

Wow, I feel so much better. You should definitely try this. In fact, you can email me some of your inner monologues that are trying to break out of that politically correct alcatraz mind of yours. Come on trust me its so much fun. A special thank you again to Mr. Kanye West for inspiring me to speak my truth and a gentle reminder that he's meeting my baba and me at The 96th Street Mosque this Friday. Yallah bye!


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