block male.......

I came from a abuse background, I think maybe it is the reason i block male. I was beated badly by dad and later abused by others sexually etc......so now when i was in the age for marriage, actually i already past the age, i always block marriage and i never really loved a male, although i dated some when i was not a real christian and did some crazy things.

A christian guy got a few visions from God months ago , God told him to come to me, but finally wake me up that i m a person that can not love a man.....

I still feel i need to get married cuz when i get older i need to find a family. but i do not love kids, do not love man. I will maybe abuse them, too, or treat them like machines or tools.

It is terrible, but I do not know how to do it.
I v read bunch of counselling books, and I know what is a perfect marriage, and i still love male in Christ as brother. but when i find their weakness, because there is no perfect male, i quickly judge them and want to throw them away or abuse them.
And even if I can accept them in Christ, and give them Christ love, i think i can. but i feel i stil block marriage.
I feel i can open an orphanage, or adopt orphans, but why do I need to marry a unperfect guy?
only Jesus is perfect......


besides, i also have v bad anxiety problem, everyday like living in hell. bad sleep etc...
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