Wax on, Wax off

This is sooo funny, hope ya'll enjoy. :)

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of
easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the
wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix
dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of
the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips
together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them
apart
press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No
muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am
mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out.

*YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the
hair
dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)


I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all
wayward
body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place
one
foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across
the right side of
bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching
down to
the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply
and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from
pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that
I've only
managed to pull off half of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP.

Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back
to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my
hairy
pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to
revel
in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the
strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on
the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the
most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax
and
matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my
foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put
my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina?
Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me
get the urge to poop. My head may pop off.
" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I
can
stand into the bathtub, get in, and immerse the wax! Covered bits and the
wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in
the tub - the water is slightly hotter than then that used to
torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is
having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In
scalding
hot water, which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that
convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend
thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to
get me
undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who- ha
are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't
have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She
wants to know exactly where the wax is located on
bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud
by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call
the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be
the
joke of someone else's night.


While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the
wax off
with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and
then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My
friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What
do I really have to lose at this point! I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens
out of
my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty
congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair..................................

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.
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