Red Neck's Zodiac

Are You A Confused Cuspal Creature?
A cusp is the dividing line between two astrological signs or houses. For example, if you were born on June 20, that would place your natal Sun on the cusp of Cancer/Gemini - CANCIMINI. Each sign has its animal symbol, but what of these cuspal creatures? Only TMA would stoop to such silliness! ...So let's get started:

The Aries/Taurus cusp (around April 20):
BULLIES - the galloping cow. The main characteristic of this cuspal creature is a one-pointed charge toward the object of its desire. The word "charge" is operative here, as this cusp rules credit cards (especially American EXPRESS), BULLIES are compatible with only themselves, and they make great bank robbers and military adventurers. Sometimes they make great cajun food. Famous BULLIES: Adolf Hitler.
The Taurus/Gemini cusp (May 20):
GEMINUS - the no-fault insurance salesperson. This fast-talking cuspoid combines the clever double-talk of Gemini with the business sense of Taurus. These curious and sometimes psychic creatures often become political pollsters. GEMINUS rules junk-mail, lunch pails, rotating TV antennas, the game Monopoly, licorice gumballs, and corporate lawyer scumballs. Famous GEMINUS: Dolly Madison.
The Gemini/Cancer cusp (June 21):
CANCIMINI - the crabby twins. I don't mean to imply that these people aren't well-integrated, but it is common to see a CANCIMINI talking to itself and taking notes. One self tends to worry about the other self. Due to their diverse attachments, they collect the strangest little colorful things but can't remember where they are. This cuspoid rules home parties, the Minneapolis/St. Paul area, and little plastic coffee stirring sticks. Famous CANCIMINI: John Dillinger.
The Cancer/Leo "fence" (July 23):
CANCEO - the regal beagle. This cusp rules Jello (all colors except green, which is ruled by Aqueesies) and all overcooked foods. CANCEO also rules Pampers and elderly house pets. Their lives are largely spent perfecting techniques of creative withdrawal, and they write books with titles like My Mother, My Castle and Subjective Opinion Reference Guide. Notable CANCEO: Inventor of the King Crab Salad.
The Leo/Virgo cusp (Aug 23):
LEGO - the crazed artisan. This is the cusp that inspired the Sphinx and that rules stage fright. These creatures are the emperors of the zodiac, and they maintain absolute control over their designated kingdom (no matter how small). In the panic caused by the plunge from the throne of Leo to the humility of Virgo, these poor confused souls can often be heard to say, "How can I help you (meet my needs)?" Famous LEGO: King Louis XVI of France.
The Virgo/Libra cusp (Sept 22):
VIRBRA - the pay scales. Virbra rules labor unions, labors of love, laboratory cleaning products, and laborious sentences like this one. It also rules the wax they put on apples to make them look shiny. These are the creatures who want perfect relationships and who write books called Romantic Perfection Despite Your Faults. Famous VIRBRA's: There aren't any.
The Libra/Scorpio zone (Oct 23):
LIBRIUM LEEPIO - the indecisive assassin. Yes, they have passive-explosive complexes — polite terrorists, one and all. These creatures are also the politicians of the zodiac, combining the flip-flopping of Libra with the desire for power of Scorpio. Their motto: "Don't get mad, get balanced, then get even!" LIBRIUM LEEPIO rules sedation, deflation, funeral luncheons, and practical jokes played by hairdressers. Famous LIBRIUM LEEPIO: Johnny Carson (could have had a promising career in the CIA).
The Scorpio/Sagittarius cusp (Nov 22):
SCORPTARIUS – the boomerang archer. What goes around comes around! This cuspal zone rules traveling diseases. Their motto is: "I've uncovered the secrets of the Universe, but damned if I'm telling!" On the other hand, some SCORPTARIANS are spies who advertise in trade journals, or write unauthorized autobiographies. This cuspoid rules airports, imports, exports, carports, carpools, cartoons, harp tunes, harpoons, balloons, paper shredders, and moldy cheddars. Famous SCORPTARIAN: Sorry, this information hasn't been cleared by military censors.
The Sagittarius/Capricorn cusp (Dec 21):
SAGICORNY - the flippant dictator. This cuspoid climbs the mountain of life, reaches the summit, throws both arms skyward, and shouts, "I'M ON TOP, THEREFORE I'M RIGHT!!!" Two famous SAGICORNIANS: Darth Vader and "The Human Cannonball."
The Capricorn/Aquarius cusp (Jan 20):
CAPRARIUS – the bringer of goats. The conventional eccentric, these cuspoids. CAPRARIUS rules things that don't belong together but are anyway. People born under this cusp often have successful careers in designing mass transit for dairy animals. They ask themselves (because no one else is interested), "How can I maintain the status quo in new, innovative, exciting ways?" Famous CAPRARIAN: George Burns.
The Aquarius/Pisces cusp (Feb 19):
AQUEESIES - the limp crystal. These guys are in the ozone, pure and simple. Not of Earth. Don't try to figure them out. I once knew an Aqueesies with a pet snail named Chaos. This cusp rules lost mail, confused bureaucracy, the entire New Age, selfless individualism, lost souls, and decentralized minds.
The Pisces/Aries cusp (Mar 20):
PRAYERIES – the shark. Picture an ostrich running around in circles with his head stuck in the ground. Their motto: "I am one with the Universe, but ME FIRST!" PRAYERIES rules holier-than-thou preachers, soggy highway flares, and root beer fizzies. This is not to be confused with LIBRARIES (Libra with Aries rising), which rules root beer soda and book stores.

Now that these cuspal creatures have their true place in astrological literature throughout the universe (TMA is indeed distributed on four planets, and we're about to get Sirius), we can all sleep easier!

© 1991 Tem Tarriktar - all rights reserved