Quickies

Quickies ....

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says
"A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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A man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
The doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The psychiatrist says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc.
Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
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Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum, or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of mueslix.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
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What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
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Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "I'll man the cannon, you drive."
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