"hair" - a hidden shame

Ok...here goes my shameful story, but comforable without judgment here from you all. Since I felt led by the Holy Spirit which is not always the case, I'm "undressing" myself as I disclose my struggle, battle, shame or whatever label we can give it. I know the scriptures, believe them, but the battle is always there. Here goes:

Grew up in very emotionally abusive home. Remember the "young" age of 9, when we relocated to this apartment building, parents constantly calling me names: rotten apple, problem child, etc. Name calling I lived with and went to school crying daily and then got the silent treatment of not being spoken to for weeks at a time. I was sent away to camp as a form of rejection so my parents could get a rest from their problem child--me! At camp I saw and adopted a behavior that I have lived with for a long time of over 40 years.

I am 57 and still fighting this battle. I was even bald at one time with pictures to prove and adopted the Lord about 12 years ago in my weakest moments. I have tried therapy, had continued ups and downs, not depression, have had my hair grow back, but go up and down and have been blessed once I keep my hands off the scalp and don't slightly touch the hair. I am more than sick and tired of this behavior and want to help others. I have been in and out of therapy. My husband used to be verbally abusive to me in saying how I am looking as negative, but he has not done that in a while. In the meantime, I have a very good personality and shine in the caring, giving enviroment. I am an encourager. I am not here to brag but tell you my struggle.

I understand mutilation, destructive behaviors, etc.

I am being very transparent and looking for support and encouragement here as I help others too in their battles. I am committed to winning this battle forever. I'm tired of teasers of winning and then back to square one.

Do not pity me or this story, but just perhaps partner with me as perhaps it can be a gift to receive permanent relief. Isn't enough enough and having a health ministry sometimes people may think I have had cancer as sometimes hair can be thin in area of scalp.

God bless you all.
carol