HELP! I love my ex but hate the lying cheating addict

I'm a new user to this group. I met Tom 2 years ago, an addict who had been clean for 17 years. He spent time in rehab and hospitals in the early 80s. We had a perfect relationship for the first year. Then I sold my house, bought another, didn't have a lot of time for him for a few weeks. We started drifting apart, but things got better (I thought). Cheated on me with an ex-gf and lied about it. I dumped him and he stayed with her for 4 months before deciding that he wanted me back. I sort of took him back, but he kept lying to me for no reason, about stupid things like what he ate that day. Felt much guilt and remorse over hurting me and using her. Guilt turned to Depression and anxiety. Went on Paxil and Wellbutrin which didn't work. Started seeing the ex again and continued to tell elaborate lies. Seemed out of control. Said he really loves me, wants to be with me forever, never wants to speak to her again, but then I find out that he's been seeing her. Finally I had enough and told him I hated him and never want to see him again, that he's a lying piece of crap and I hope he rots in hell. His life went into a tailspin. He "finally" ended it with her that day (he claims). Started taking large amounts of Xanax and Adderall and beer (lying about it, of course). Completely out of control, just like 17 years ago. Used all last week and his last day was Sunday. Monday and Tuesday terrible depression, anxiety, withdrawal, nausea, all-day crying, talking about doing anything to end this feeling including killing himself. I checked him in (voluntarily) to a "behavioral health center" where he will be locked in for about a week. So far he's doing much better, but I'm concerned that he's bullsh*tting everyone to get out of there (he's an incredible bullsh*tter who knows how to get around people).

His brother and friends tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. He was clean for 17 years, but he meets me and a year later he's hospitalized. Tom can't deal with anything negative. He lacks impulse control and does things without thinking about consequences. He now thinks the ex was just another addiction to him, and that he kept going back to her because she reminded him of his druggie past (they were together in the early 80s when he was using).

On the one hand, I hate him for everything he's put me through, the constant cheating and lying and head games and playing with my emotions. But on the other hand I love the person I fell in love with, the good guy who wants to get better and is trying to fight the bad guy. I feel guilty for all the name-calling and rotten things I said to him when I was angry about his cheating. I feel guilty that I'm angry with him for what he did, because he's suffering so much. I'm there for him no matter what and I'm helping him the best I can, but my emotional state isn't making much sense right now. I'm a very logical person, but I can't figure out how I can love someone that I hate so much.

Has anyone else experienced this type of lying and cheating when drugs aren't even involved at the time?

Well, so much for keeping this brief! Thanks so much for being able to read this far!

I should note that we're no longer in a relationship (my decision), but that he's hoping we will be together forever "someday". That will never happen. I love him but I'll never be in love with him again or take the chance of going through that hell again. Tweet