you sweet bee

i have really tried to think in my mind an answer for you ,
but without knowing why you might feel a certain way,
then anything i say kinda is pure speculation on my part

there are some really good forums here to deal with depression/ spirituality/ abuse/ etc if you feel any of those appropriate.

i think perhaps investing in a few self esteem books would be of great help to you.
remember that you alone have the power to choose how you feel about yourself.

we are somewhat shaped by the attitudes and behavioral patterns oh how others have constructed us to believe as we were children.

so if you picked up signals that you were unlovable etc/
then you will tend to feel that way about yourself until you face yourself and start to listen to what you choose to believe in self/..
not thru the *eyes* of what you think others see you as..

consider to take time..
get a paper and write down on one side
things you dislike about self
other side attributes or skills you do like.
then make a third spot for how you want to become and possible role models

now look at all that , objectively ..almost as if you were making a role playing character lol ..
each week pick 3 things or 1 even from each area..
one will work on decreasing in your life.. one you will strengthen, (praise yourself) acknowledge to good attributes you have
and the other, you will find ways to emulate the role models you admire. not to become them , just to find ways to utilize the characteristics you admire in them into your own personal life.
look back at your past in small segments of time..where you feel the negative feelings might have rooted/
now weigh them against current time..as you the same person ? no
are those influences still occurring in your life? no
if someone said things or did things to you like that now.. would you believe them? probably not.
so who are you NOW?
release the past as best you can..
if things happened to you as a child see yourself (now as an adult/) and go and talk to the child within and love them and tell them you would never do that/ and you love them and you will care for them etc.
acknowledge where wrongs happened and be the mother or comforter love source for your inner child that perhaps no one gave to that child when it was most needed.

pamper yourself/ baby yourself care for the child within.
look into your own childlike eyes and tell yourself i love you .
as who you are...
No need to be anyone but who you are for me to love you so uniquely YOU.
when you begin to learn to love yourself you become less caring of what others think...of you
you begin to feel that you can do as you feel right without needing the acceptance or acknowledgements of others.
you become grounded in a foundation of selfworth and respect.

you know, i was always told i was not pretty and no one would ever want me as a child.
nothing i did was ever right or ever came close to meeting unreal standards of acceptance.
i lived half my life believing that
when i look back at old pictures of me.. i am constantly amazed that.. granted i may not be a raving beauty,
but certainly i was never ugly as i was led to believe.

what a waste of illusions
now i really do have many *flaws that i have to accept as an outcome of a series of bad life situations..
i know have deep very visible and big scars and burns on both arms/ legs tummy. etc.. 177 approx.
my facial features have changed and yet what i thought was bad has turned out good. my nose was broken 3 times and never set/
this ended up with actually a very nicely curved bridge lol
where as before i had always hated my nose for the high straight bridge i previously had..
now i have one that women pay big bucks to get/ tho i did pay for it in years of pain lol.
from my head injuries i can no longer process certain things as well but my perspectives have changed
from years of enforced sedentary life style from heat strokes recoveries etc..
it has given me time to think more on the spiritual side of myself and what my future goals are personally/ and learning to accept my new limits and how to adapt my life to the changes.

all these things directly influence self esteem and identity.
i can choose to like or dislike who i am now..
i can choose to lay blame here and there..
still does not change who i am NOW
and accepting who i am now..
yet never losing sight of who i want to be and becoming closer to bringing that visualization into reality every day.

we have already changed every moment in time/
you are in control of how you feel and how you view yourself.
if you need to look at pics of others to gain an idea of how you want others to see you then do so/
stand up straight for confidence/ smile at yourself in the mirror/
change the things you can.. into what you want them to be...
if you don't who will?
you are in charge of your own life..
enjoy being captain of your own sailboat..
do you smell the winds of change?..
revel in them .. go forward on a journey of discovery and immerse yourself in all the wonderful beautiful things in life (including the wonderfulness of you and who you are becoming NOW )

love to you
Ami Joi Benton