"Easy Open" Coconuts

I am here to dispel any notion that a coconut with an "easy open" feature, is, in fact easy to open.

See, before, when I would get a coconut, I wasn't interested in keeping the milk, so I did what I assume the prudent thing to do with coconuts is: I put it in my sink and hit it several times with a large hammer. Smashed it to bits, coconut pieces evereywhere, husband frantically running in from the other room, afraid the house was being knocekd down, that sort of thing.

Well, now that I'm going raw and also know the benefits of coconut milk, I wanted to open the coconut and keep the milk. I notcied the one that I bought back from the store yesterday said: "Easy Open: Pierce eye, drain milk, and tap along edge." Huh.

Step one: Pierce eye. Well, that's easy enough. I just went to the garage and got the power drill. Except that nature has constructed an *exceptionally* strong shell, and someone had forgotten to charge the power drill batteries all the way, so there was quite a bit of grunting and effort before a hole was drilled.

Step two: Turn the coconut over for the milk to drain. Nothing comes out. I assume because a vacuum was created and realized I would probably have to drill *another* hole to get some air in. Drill runs out of batteries while drilling second hole.

Grab a chopstick, jam it in hole #2 and twist and shove, hoping to open up that last little bit. Success. However, chopstick gets stuck in second hole and refuses to come out. More grunting and pulling. Finally, chopstick extraction is acheived.

Finally able to drain coconut milk out. I then observe the groove that's been cut around the coconut. Hmmm...tap lightly. By this time I am really wanting my @!#*(#@!! coconut and am quite tired. What to tap with?

Step three: Pick up cocunut to examine. Realize that there is still a whole bunch of milk in it and that the gravitational effect of simply upending it over a glass does not neccessarily drain milk. Tapping issue tabled for moment. Commence coconut shaking dance. Receive confused looks from dogs as madly flailing arms about trying to shake rest of milk out. Note to self to never apply to be on the show "Survivor". Can't even open a #$!@%^ coconut.

Step four: tap lightly along groove and coconut will open. Yeah, like I'm gonna belive *that*, I wasn't born yesterday, you know. Open drawer, search for coconut tapping device....select meat tenderizer. Begin with a light tapping motion along seam. Nothing happens. Slightly increase tapping strength. Nothing happens. Move coconut off counter as do not want to destry counter and incur wrath of husband and possible buyers at open house on Sunday.

Place coconut in sink. Hit it as hard as can. Coconut opens.

Pause for brief moment for tears of relief and joy.

Ali