From Rudy

It is kind of scary working with all of these folks in the South who have had their lives shattered or on hold from these hurricanes that keep coming....and me pretending I am okay while I try to help those souls trying to hang on to what is slipping through their fingers...what they have always known....I have had to sleep in my truck...waiting for pay for at least seven days of the almost two months I have been here...Civilization is a hot shower... It is hard to pull off a composed look though without clean clothes, food, or a bath but still I have to act like everything is fine... everything is going to be okay...

...but for many of those on fixed incomes, whatever I do to help them along the way will help but will it stop gravity? as their homes and their lives pull slowly down. Many are thousands are leaving because they can't hang on any more. The beligured middle class seems is fairing just as bad or worse as the poor...the poor never had anything but these working middle class folks have a lot to lose..they were already were just hanging on and now this...Like throwing a stone to a a weak swimmer....the bottom looks frightening to those just barely hanging on.

Things have changed in the South... When things are grand the wealthy can hold a good poker face...with kind words to say but as some in the priveledged class see their quality of life is at risk, they tighten their giving belt to stay up high...the middle class is fading fast... while the poor and powerless, who once played along with the players game, as long as they could keep a roof over their head and keep themselves fed, are now at the breaking point...there is a sense among the poor that even if they work in convienience stores and serve food at the fast food line or clean the rooms at the Motel 9, that they can not keep from going down....so they can't pretend anymore that they appereciate your business or that they hope you will enjoy your meal...because that is not what hey really feel...even if they say it..what they they have been told to say...they only still say it because they still have a hot shower and a meal waiting somewhere to eat... I feel their pain....but you can tell...how they really feel.

You can only eat so many 99 cent burgers and you can only eat so much Ramon Noodles or skip meals and eat crackers and ketchup until something has to give... Eating good covers up a lot of indignities....if you can eat good but when you can't pull some change together for a taco it can wipe a smile right off of your face... Things are barely hanging on and there seems to be a market driven need to usurp the people of the South to make room for someone else...

This is what I see...It kind of sticks to your skin ...aall of this devestation and moldy insulation...after a while...

Even if you used to eat wonderful salads every day...and fresh fruit...and delicious nuts...and you thought you might go vegetarian soon...when you get down to nickles and dimes....you want to fill up on as many calories as you can...and drink sugary drinks to kill the hunger so you can skip a meal...or two... a day...and when you get a little ahead...go for the low cost buffets...and eat as much as you can....it is kind of like an insurance policy against an uncertain future.....that is not a healthy way to live...but somethings has to give...

Things have changed here in the South...So many people living on the edge...isolated and alone...believing they were in some larger community of man...but as their resources dry up....they slip further into being alone................

I had a dream a few days ago that I was going to die in 30 days and in the dream a voice told me to get my things in order.

All of this stuff ..It kind hangs on you ofor a while...like that skunk smell of road kill....long after you have long since passed it by....

I had a dream about dying a few nights ago....I don't know what this dream was all about but I was thinking that "You need to get yoor things in order" was an conscious-unconscious need for me to get rid of any unforgiveness I may still have in the hidden little places inside of me...and get it out because that stuff tends to hang around after you are gone. Sorry for allo of the Stream of conscious thoughts....

My middle daughter seems to resent me{maybe from the divorce to my first wife(she left me...I don't hold it against her) or I don't know? but once upon a time things always worked out the way I hoped...Like my dreams seemed to always came true...Maybe it is time to talk to her! I did a lot of praying for angels to protect my children and my ex-wife and and my new family and all of the children who have borrowed me as daddy for a time.

I don't really mind going...it is better there... but I would just want to stay around to protect those little ones from harm... Maybe I am not going to die but maybe I just needed to come to that realization? I have come to this conclusion though based on the posibility of death: If there is anything you can do to forgive every harm done to you and if you can let go of any unforgiveness you have for yourself before going to the light....do it...forgive all harm done to you by anyone...and forgive yourself....and I believe it will make the transition smoother... No attaachment to darkness and fear makes going home a more pleasent journey(no return trips to clean up the messes you might have created while you were here...maybe that is why I am here..again..

It is easy for me to forgive others... but...I have to let go of self judgement of self for my own barbs as well..you guys need to let go of any harms(even the little ones)I may have caused you by my words I say now... I know I've bruised some of you..the little disagreements...I am letting them go....I hope you do too.. . I told a guy about how the world will disentegrate in a ball of flames...and be formed again...he stuck to his beliefs & I to mine ...but either way...he felt it was a moving moment in his life...and so did I...We were drawn together for a moment in time...You have to let the small stuff go & realize that everyone can see the same thing and interpret the same event in different ways... I hope I don't scare anyone knowing what I know about the future as it unfolds... and then...when the whole world explodes...death has a sense of finality to it to some...and even though it seems an end to most...even I realize it means a stopping point for one thing and the beginning of another...but we travel only from "life to life." That doesn't mean we should do less while we are here but rather that we should be more aware of why we are here... Why are we here? You know as well as I that you chose to be here and so did I...but let's play along and see...what we came along to see...

Shedding this life is the easy part but we should do everything we can to love...loving the unlovable even.. as much as we can while we live because the love we give & the love we receive is all that matters there...If you don't remember there...that is okay...there remembers you... and love is all that really matters there..and even here... that is what I had to say.

I was sideswipped by a driver on I 95 and they just took off... The person trying to get around the stalled vehicle banged up my truck...and I thought what a drag...I called the police but they never answered...I would have called again but you know...I just can't carry around that load for too long...I just let it go... It feels kind of good...just letting it go...I just hope the person who hit me had a good reason to run... I hope they make it up to someone... hopefully to someone... down the line...

Maybe I do need to stay? I don't really think I will miss here...to tell you the truth... but I may still have some work to do...so if 30 days goes by then I guess it is true...that I still have some work here left to do...on myself maybe...or maybe I am ready... I really do miss home...that place beyond all of the wars and pain...broken hearts & tears... I really wouldn't miss here...but...

There is so much to do down here in the South... I werk' almost 16 hours a day... I want to get home for the holidays...so I better let go and get goin' back to werk' again...

I just wanted to drop in and say hello..or goodbye...if dreams come true... & it really was fun to meet all of you...in this ethereal world of cyberspace...

Ya'll
have become a big part of my spiritual family...I know most of you better than I know my closest friends(the ones I have met in person) CureZone is such a grandiose place. Most of all this is a great place to explore ways of putting yourself back in line...Or getting your things in order....

I see so much pain down here in the South but most everyone is still friendly enough.... but the folks trying to pull one over on FEMA or the Insurance Companies get nasty little 'toods and it may contaminate their children and make things worse for what truly matters(our children). There is so much work in the South...If the 'toods could get past trying to scam someone and get to work helping the rebuilding of the lives of everyone around them...but you know...it is just a few of those....most of the folks I meet are patiently trying to get back on center....boy they are reeling right now...still in shock, I believe...some want to leave...it seems that most of us know...something big is changing about this world..though...they...we...don't really know where we would go...

I can forgive them (those few with the bad 'toods) but they will carry around that chip on their shoulder until they get past all of that... So much to do... I just wonder if the South can take any more of these Hurricanes? It is amazing to me that there is anyone left? How can anyone afford to stay here(exception: The Roofers are gettin' Rich!)? It is such an extraordinary time in our nation's history and it seems like it remains under the radar screen...now that the media has gone away...

It is like we were in a war and lost...but I feel the most concerned for the children without fathers and for mothers trying to find a place to stay...who have no place to stay...It costs so much for a motel room and they are all booked up anyhow... I wonder what will happen to America if this wound to the South is not healed and soon? It will soon be a very different place here though...like grapes mashed and pressed....turned upside down...the world will be...and then a time and then the end...so all in all...I guess it is best not to worry for tomorrow and get back to loving today for all you can.... Thanks for checking in Paulette. You have been a wonderful friend...


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