The Light of Awareness

Question 1:

THE UNCONSCIOUS can be transformed only through awareness. It is difficult, but there is no other way. There are many methods for being aware, but awareness is necessary. You can use methods to be aware, but you will have to be aware.

If someone asks whether there is any method to dispel darkness except by light, howsoever difficult it may be that is the only way - because darkness is simply the absence of light. So you have to create the presence of light, and then darkness is not there.

Unconsciousness is nothing but an absence - the absence of consciousness. It is not something positive in itself, so you cannot do anything except be aware. If unconsciousness were something in its own right, then it would be a different matter - but it is not. Unconsciousness doesn't mean something; it only means not consciousness. It is just an absence. It has no existence in itself; in itself it is not. The word "unconscious" simply shows the absence of consciousness and nothing else. When we say "darkness" the word is misleading, because the moment we say "darkness" it appears that darkness is something that is there. It is not, so you cannot do anything with darkness directly - or can you?

You may not have observed the fact, but with darkness you cannot do anything directly. Whatsoever you want to do with darkness you will have to do with light, not with darkness. If you want darkness, then put off light. If you don't want darkness, then put on light. But you cannot do anything directly with darkness; you will have to go via light.

Why? Why can you not go directly? You cannot go directly because there is nothing like darkness, so you cannot touch it directly. You have to do something with light, and then you have done something with darkness.

If light is there, then darkness is not there. If light is not there, then darkness is there. You can bring light into this room, but you cannot bring darkness. You can take light out from this room, but you cannot take darkness out from this room. There exists no connection between you and darkness. Why? If darkness were there then man could be related somehow, but darkness is not there.

Language gives you a fallacy that darkness is something. Darkness is a negative term. It exists not. It connotes only that light is not there - nothing more - and the same is with unconsciousness. So when you ask what to do other than to be aware, you ask an irrelevant question. You will have to be aware; you cannot do anything else.

Of course, there are many methods for being aware - mm? - that is a different thing. There are many ways to create light - but light will have to be created. You can create a fire and there will be no darkness. And you can use a kerosene lamp and there will be no darkness, and you can use electricity and there will be no darkness. But whatsoever the case, whatsoever the method of producing light, light has to be produced.

So light is a must, and whatsoever I will say in reference to this question will be about methods to produce awareness. They are not alternatives, remember. They are not alternatives to awareness - nothing can be. Awareness is the only possibility for dispelling darkness, for dispelling unconsciousness. But how to create awareness? I talked about one method which is the purest: to be aware inside of whatsoever happens on the boundary line of the unconscious and to the conscious - to be aware there.

Anger is there. Anger is produced in darkness; anger has roots in the unconscious. Only branches and leaves come into the conscious. Roots, seeds, the energy source, are in the unconscious. You become aware only of faraway branches. Be conscious of these branches. The more conscious you are, the more you will be capable of looking into darkness.

Have you observed at any time that if you look deeply in darkness for a certain time, a certain dim light begins to be there? If you concentrate in darkness, you begin to feel and you begin to see. You can train yourself, and then in darkness itself there is a certain amount of light - because, really, in this world nothing can be absolute and nothing is. Everything is relative. When we say "darkness", it doesn't mean absolute darkness. It only means that there is less light. If you practise to see in it, you will be capable of seeing, Look! Focus yourself in the darkness! And then, by and by, your eyes are strengthened and you begin to see.

Inner darkness, unconsciousness, is the same. Look into it. But you can look only if you are not active. If you begin to act, your mind is distracted. Don't act inside. Anger is there - don't act, don't condemn, don't appreciate, don't indulge in it, and don't suppress it. Don't do anything - just look at it! observe it! Understand the distinction.

What happens ordinarily is quite the reverse. If you are angry, then your mind is focused on the cause of anger outside - always! Someone has insulted you - you are angry. Now there are three things: the cause of anger outside, the source of anger inside, and in between these two you are.

Anger is your energy inside, the cause which has provoked your energy to come up is outside, and you are in between. The natural way of the mind is not to be aware of the source, but to be focused on the cause outside. Whenever you are angry you are in deep concentration on the cause outside.

Mahavir has called KRODHA - anger - a sort of meditation. He has named it ROUDRA DHYAN - meditation on negative attitudes. It is! - because you are concentrated. Really, when you are in deep anger you are so concentrated that the whole world disappears. Only the cause of anger is focused. Your total energy is on the cause of anger, and you are so much focused on the cause that you forget yourself completely. That's why in anger you can do things about which, later on, you can say, "I did them in spite of myself." You were not.

For awareness you have to take an about-turn. You have to concentrate not on the cause outside, but on the source inside. Forget the cause. Close your eyes, and go deep and dig into the source. Then you can use the same energy which was to be wasted on someone outside - the energy moves inwards. Anger has much energy. Anger is energy - the purest of fires inside. Don't waste it outside.

Take another example. You are feeling sexual: sex is again energy, fire. But whenever you feel sexual, again you are focused on someone outside, not on the source. you begin to think of someone - of the lover, of the beloved, A-B-C-D - but when you are filled with sex your focus is always on the other. You are dissipating energy.

Not only in the sexual act do you dissipate energy, but in sexual thinking you dissipate it even more because a sexual act is a momentary thing. It comes to a peak, the energy is released, and you are thrown back. But sexual thinking can continuously be there. You can continue it in sexual thinking, you can dissipate energy. And everyone is dissipating energy. Ninety percent of our thinking is sexual. Whatsoever you are doing outside, inside sex is a constant concern - you may not even be aware of it.

You are sitting in a room and a woman enters: your posture changes suddenly. Your spine is moire erect, your breathing changes, your blood pressure is different. You may not be aware at all of what has happened, but your whole body has reacted sexually. you were a different person when the woman was not there; now again you are a different person.

An all-male group is a different group, and all-female group is a different group. Let one male come in or one female, and the whole group, the whole energy pattern, changes suddenly. You may not be conscious of it, but when your mind is focused on someone, your energy begins to flow. when you feel sexual, look at the source, not at the cause - remember this.

Science is more concerned with the cause and religion is more concerned with the source. The source is always inside; the cause is always outside. With cause you are in a chain reaction. With cause you are connected with your environment. With source you are connected with yourself. So remember this. This is the purest method to change unconscious energy into conscious energy. Take an about-turn - look inside! It is going to be difficult because our look has become fixed. We are like a person whose neck is paralyzed, and who cannot move and look back. Our eyes have become fixed. We have been looking outside for lives together - for millennia - so we don't know how to look inside.

Do this: whenever something happens in your mind, follow it to the source. Anger is there - a sudden flash has come to you - close your eyes, meditate on it. From where is this anger arising? Never ask the question: who has made it possible? who has made you angry? That is a wrong question. Ask which energy in you is transforming into anger - from where is this anger coming up, bubbling up, what is the source inside from where this energy is coming?

Are you aware that in anger you can do something which you cannot do when you are not in anger? A person in anger can throw a big stone easily. When he is not angry he cannot even lift it. He has much energy when he is angry. A hidden source is now with him. So if a man is mad, he becomes very strong. Why? From where is this energy coming? It is not coming from anything outside. Now all his sources are burning simultaneously - anger, sex, everything, is burning simultaneously. Every source is available.

Be concerned with from where anger is bubbling up, from where the sex desire has come in. Follow it, take steps backwards. Meditate silently and go with anger to the roots. It is difficult but it is not impossible. It is not easy. It is not going to be easy because it is a fight against a long, rooted habit. The whole past has to be broken, and you have to do something new which you have never done before. It is just the weight of sheer habit which will create the difficulty. But try it, and then you are creating a new direction for energy to move. You are beginning to be a circle, and in a circle energy is never dissipated.

My energy comes up and moves outside - it can never become a circle now; it is simply dissipated. If my movement inwards is there, then the same energy which was going out turns upon itself. My meditation leads this energy back to the same source from where the anger was coming. It becomes a circle. This inner circle is the strength of a Mahavir. The sex energy, not moving to someone else, moves back to its own source. This circle of sex energy is the strength of a Buddha.

We are weaklings, not because we have less energy than a Buddha: we have the same quanta of energy, everyone is born with the same energy quanta, but we are accustomed to dissipating it. It simply moves away from us and never comes back. It cannot come back! Once it is out of you, it can never come back - it is beyond you.

A word arises in me: I speak it out; it has flown away. It is not going to come back to me, and the energy that was used in producing it, that was used in throwing it away, is dissipated. A word arises in me: I don't throw it out; I remain silent. Then the word moves and moves and moves, and falls into the original source again. The energy has been reconsumed.

Silence is energy. Brahmacharya is energy. Not to be angry is energy. But this is not suppression. If you suppress anger, you have used energy again. Don't suppress - observe and follow. don't fight - just move backwards with the anger. This is the purest method of awareness.

But certain other things can be used. For beginners certain devices are possible. So I will talk about three devices. One type of device is based on body awareness. Forget anger, forget sex - they are difficult problems. And when you are in them, you become so mad that you cannot meditate. When you are angry you cannot meditate; you cannot even think about meditation. You are just mad. So forget it; it is difficult. Then use your own body as a device for awareness.

Buddha has said that when you walk, walk consciously. When you breathe, breathe consciously. The Buddhist method is known as ANAPANASATI YOGA - the yoga of the incoming and outgoing breath, incoming and outgoing breath awareness. The breath comes in: move with the breath; know, be aware, that the breath is moving in. When the breath has gone out again, move with it. Be in, be out, with the breath.

Anger is difficult, sex is difficult - breath is not so difficult. Move with the breath. Don't allow any breath to be in or out without consciousness. This is a meditation. Now you will be focused on breathing, and when you are focused on breathing thoughts stop automatically. you cannot think, because the moment you think your consciousness moves from breath to thought. you have missed breathing.

Try this and you will know. When you are aware of breathing, thoughts cease. The same energy which is used for thoughts is being used in being aware of breath. If you start thinking, you will lose track of the breath, you will forget, and you will think. You cannot do both simultaneously.

If you are following breathing, it is a long process. One has to go into it deeply. It takes a minimum of three months and a maximum of three years. If it is done continuously twenty-four hours a day... it is a method for monks, those who have given up everything; only they can watch their breathing twenty-four hours a day. That's why Buddhist monks and other traditions of monks, they reduce their living to the minimum so that no disturbance is there. They will beg for their food and they will sleep under a tree - that's all. Their whole time is devoted to some inner practice of being aware - mm? - for example, of breath.

A Buddhist monk moves. He has to be continuously aware of his breath. The silence that you see on a Buddhist monk's face is the silence of the awareness of breathing and nothing else. If you become aware your face will become silent, because if thoughts are not there your face cannot show anxiety, thinking. Your face becomes relaxed. Continuous awareness of breathing will stop the mind. The continuously troubled mind will stop. And if the mind stops and you are simply aware of breathing, if the mind is not functioning, you cannot be angry, you cannot be sexual.

Sex or anger or greed or jealousy or envy - anything needs the mechanism of mind. And if the mechanism stops, you cannot do anything. This again leads to the same thing. Now the energy that is used in sex, in anger, in greed, in ambition, has no outlet. And you go on continuously being concerned with breathing, day and night. Buddha has said, "Even in sleep try to be aware of breathing." It will be difficult in the beginning, but if you can be aware in the day, then by and by this will penetrate into your sleep.

Anything penetrates into sleep if it has gone deep in the mind in the day. If you have been worried about a certain thing in the day, it gets into the sleep. If you were thinking continuously about sex, it gets into the sleep. If you were angry the whole day, anger gets into the sleep. So Buddha says there is no difficulty. If a person is continuously concerned with breathing and awareness of the breathing, ultimately it penetrates into the sleep. You cannot dream then. If your awareness is there of incoming breath and outgoing breath, then in sleep you cannot dream.

The moment you dream, this awareness will not be there. If awareness is there, dreams are impossible. So a Buddhist monk asleep is not just like you. His sleep has a different quality. It has a different depth and a certain awareness in it is there.

Ananda said to Buddha, "I have observed you for years and years together. It seems like a miracle: you sleep as if you are awake. You are in the same posture the whole night." The hand would not move from the place where it had been put; the leg would remain in the same posture. Buddha would sleep in the same posture the whole night. Not a single movement! For nights together ananda would sit and watch and wonder, "What type of sleep is this!" Buddha would not move. He would be as if a dead body, and he would wake up in the same posture in which he went to sleep. Ananda asked, "What are you doing? Were you asleep or not? You never move!"

Buddha said, "A day will come, Ananda, when you will know. This shows that you are not practising anapanasati yoga rightly; it shows only this. Otherwise this question would not have arisen. You are not practising anapanasati yoga - if you are continuously aware of your breath in the day, it is impossible not to be conscious of it in the night. And if the mind is concerned with awareness, dreams cannot penetrate. And if there are no dreams, mind is clear, transparent. Your body is asleep, but you are not. Your body is relaxing, you are aware - the flame is there inside. So, Ananda," Buddha is reported to have said, "I am not asleep - only the body is sleep. I am aware! and not only in sleep. Ananda - when I die, you will see: I will be aware, only the body will die."

Practise awareness with breathing; then you will be capable of penetrating. Or practise awareness with body movements. Buddha has a word for it: he calls it "mindfulness". He says, "Walk mindfully." We walk without any mind in it.

A certain man was sitting before Buddha when he was talking one day. He was moving his leg and a toe unnecessarily. There was no reason for it. Buddha stopped talking and asked that man, "Why are you moving your leg? Why are you moving your toe?" Suddenly, as the Buddha asked, the man stopped. Then Buddha asked, "Why have you stopped so suddenly?"

The man said, "Why, I was not even aware that I was moving my toe or my leg! I was not aware! The moment you asked, I became aware."

Buddha said, "What nonsense! Your leg is moving and you are not aware? So what are you doing with your body? Are you an alive man or dead? This is your leg, this is your toe, and it goes on moving and you are not even aware? Then of what are you aware? You can kill a man and you can say, "I was not aware.'" And, really, those who kill are not aware. It is difficult to kill someone when you are aware.

Buddha would say, "Move, walk, but be filled with consciousness. Know inwardly you are walking." You are not to use any words; you are not to use any thoughts. You are not to say inside, "I am walking," because if you say it then you are not aware of walking - you have become aware of your thought, and you have missed walking. Just be somatically aware - not mentally. Just feel that you are walking. Create a somatic awareness, a sensitivity, so that you can feel directly without mind coming in.

The wind is blowing - you are feeling it. Don't use words. Just feel, and be mindful of the feeling. You are lying down on the beach, and the sand is cool, deeply cool. Feel it! - don't use words. Just feel it - the coolness of it, the penetrating coolness of it. Just feel! Be conscious of it; don't use words. Don't say, "The sand is very cool." The moment you say it you have missed an existential moment. You have become intellectual about it.

You are with your lover or with your beloved: feel the presence; don't use words. Just feel the warmth, the love flowing. Just feel the oneness that has happened. don't use words. don't say, "I love you," you will have destroyed it. The mind has come in. And the moment you say, "I love you," it has become a past memory. Just feel without words. Anything felt without words, felt totally without the mind coming in, will give you a mindfulness.

You are eating: eat mindfully; taste everything mindfully. Don't use words. The taste is itself such a great and penetrating thing. Don't use words and don't destroy it. Feel it to the core. You are drinking water: feel it passing through the throat; don't use words. Just feel it; be mindful about it. The movement of the water, the coolness, the disappearing thirst, the satisfaction that follows - feel it!

You are sitting in the sun: feel the warmth; don't use words. The sun is touching you. There is a deep communion. Feel it! In this way, somatic awareness, bodily awareness, is developed. If you develop a bodily awareness, again mind comes to a stop. Mind is not needed. And if mind stops, you are again thrown into the deep unconscious. With a very, very deep alertness you can penetrate, Now you have a light with you, and the darkness disappears.

Those who are bodily oriented, for them it is good to be somatically mindful. For those who are not bodily oriented it is better to be conscious of breathing. Those who feel it difficult, they can use some artificial devices. For example, mantra - mm? - it is an artificial device for being aware. You use a mantra such as "Ram-Ram-Ram" continuously. Inside you create a circle of "Ram-Ram-Ram" or "Aum" or "Allah" or anything. Go on repeating it. But simple repetition is of no use. Side by side, be aware. when you are chanting "Ram-Ram-Ram", be aware of the chanting. Listen to it - "Ram-Ram-Ram" - be aware.

It will be difficult to be aware of anger because anger comes suddenly and you cannot plan it. And when it comes you are so overwhelmed that you may forget it. So create a device like "Ram-Ram-Ram". You can create it, and it will not be a sudden method. And if used for a long time, it becomes an inner sound. Whatsoever you are doing, there will be "Ram-Ram" as a silent sequence. Be aware of it. Then the mantra is complete, the japa is complete, the chanting is complete, when you are not only the creator of the sound but also the listener. It is not only that you are saying "Ram" - you are also listening to it. The circle is complete. I say something. You listen; the energy is dissipated. If you yourself say "Ram" and you yourself listen to it, the energy comes back. You are the speaker, you are the listener.

But be aware of it. It should not become a dead routine. Otherwise you can go on saying "Ram-Ram-Ram" just like a parrot, without any awareness behind it. Then it is of no use. It may create a deep sleep even. It may become a hypnosis. You may become dull. Mm? - Krishnamurti says that those who chant mantras, they become dull, they become stupid. And he is right in a way, but only in a way. If you use any chanting just as a mechanical repetition, you will become dull. Look at the so-called religious people: they are just dull and stupid. No intelligence, no flame in their eyes of life, of aliveness. They just look dead, like lead, heavy. They have not given anything to the world, they have not created anything. They have just repeated mantras.

Of course, if you go on repeating a particular mantra without awareness, you will be bored by it yourself, and boredom will create stupidity. You will become dull, you will lose interest. A certain sound repeated continuously can even create madness. But Krishnamurti is right only in a sense; otherwise he is completely totally wrong. And whenever one judges something by those who are not following it, really, that judgement is not good. Anything must be judged by the perfect example.

The science of japa is not just to repeat. Repetition is secondary. It is just a device to create something of which to be aware. The real thing is to be aware. The basic thing is to be aware. If you build a house, the house is secondary. You build it to live in. And if there is no living, and you create a house and live outside, then you are foolish.

Repetition of a certain name or sound is creating a house to live in. It is creating a certain milieu inside. And if you have created it, you can manipulate it more easily than sudden happenings. And by and by you can become accustomed to it, related to it in a deep consciousness - but the real thing, the basic thing, is to be conscious of it.

The science of japa says that when you become a hearer of your own sound, then you have reached. Then you have completed the japa. And there is much in it. When you see a sound, for example, "Ram", your peripheral apparatus is used in creating it, your vocal apparatus. Or, if you create a mental sound, then your mind is used to create it. But when you become alert about it, that alertness is of the center, not of the periphery. If I say "Ram", this is on the periphery of my being. When I listen to this sound "Ram" inside, that is from my center - because awareness belongs to the center. If you become aware in the center, now you have the light with you. you can dispel unconsciousness.

Mantra can be used as a technique; there are many, many methods. But any method is just an effort towards awareness. You cannot escape awareness. You can start from wherever you like, but awareness is the goal.

These are all methods of will. It would be better if I talk of at least one method of surrender, of the path of surrender. These are all methods of will: you will have to do something.

Hui-Hai was a Zen Master. When he had come to his Teacher, the Teacher said, "Choose! Would you like methods of will? Then I will suggest something to you. Or, are you ready to surrender? If you choose the path of will, then you will have to do something. I can only be a guide."

On the path of will, there are only guides. There are not really Gurus, Masters. There are simply guides. They instruct you; you have to do everything. They cannot do.

So the Teacher said, "If you want to proceed on the path of will, then I will be your guide. I will give you instructions and techniques; then you will have to do everything. If you choose surrender, then you have not to do anything. I will do it all. Then you have just to be a shadow to me, just follow me. Then no doubts, no questioning; then no inquiry. Whatsoever I say you do."

Hui-Hai chose the path of surrender. He surrendered himself to his Teacher. Three years passed. He would sit by his Teacher's side. Sometimes the Teacher would look at him and would go on looking at him, continuously looking at him. The look was so penetrating and so deep that it would haunt Hui-Hai. When he was not even with his Teacher, the look would follow him. He would sleep, but the eyes would be with him, the Teacher would be looking at him. He couldn't even dream because the Teacher was there.

For three years continuously he would sit by his Teacher's side, and suddenly the Teacher would look at him and penetrate, and his eyes would go deep. Those eyes became a part of his being. He could not be angry, he could not be sexual - those eyes would be present there. He would be haunted. The Guru was there. He was always in his presence. Then after three years, the Guru, for the first time, laughed. He looked at him and laughed, and then a new haunting began. Then he would hear the laughter. And even in sleep, suddenly he would hear the laughter and he would begin to tremble. For the three years again, the Guru would suddenly look at him and laugh, and that was all.

This continued for three years, that is for six years altogether. Then suddenly one day, after six years the Guru touched his hand. He would look in his eyes, take his hand in his hands, and Hui-Hai would feel the Guru's energy flowing in him. He became just a vehicle, a vessel. He would feel the warmth, the energy, the electricity, everything flowing in him. It was impossible to sleep because the Teacher was there. And every time, every moment, something was flowing.

Then, after another three years - that is, after nine years altogether - the Guru embraced him. And Hui-Hai has written that with that day the haunting ceased. There was no Hui-Hai: there was only the Teacher. That's why the haunting ceased.

Three more years passed - that is, twelve years - and one day the Teacher touched Hui-Hai's feet. That day the Teacher also disappeared, but Hui-0Hai became an Enlightened man. many would ask him later on, "How did you gain it?" He would say, "I cannot say. I only surrendered. Then everything was done by him, and I do not know what happened!"

When you surrender yourself, you can surrender only the conscious mind, not the unconscious. You don't know about it, so how can you surrender it? If I tell you to surrender your money, you can only surrender that money which you know you have. How can you surrender that money that is hidden in a treasure which you don't know that you have? So only the conscious part of the mind can be surrendered, and the conscious mind is the barrier.

If I say something to you, the conscious mind begins to think whether it is right or wrong, true or false. And even if it is true, it begins to wonder, "What is the purpose of this man saying it? What does he want from me?" Many things, many questions, many doubts will come, and the conscious mind creates a resistance.

If you know anything about hypnosis, then you must have come to know and feel that in hypnosis the person who is hypnotized will do anything if ordered - anything, any absurd thing. Why? In the hypnotic state the conscious mind is asleep. Only the unconscious is there. The barrier has been broken. In hypnosis your conscious mind has gone to sleep it is not there. So in hypnosis, if you are a man and I say, "You are a woman," you will behave like a woman. You will walk like a woman; you will be shy; your movement will become more graceful, more womanly; your voice will change.

What happens? The conscious mind which can create doubt - which will say, "What nonsense you are telling me! I am a man, not a woman" - is asleep. And the unconscious has no doubts. The unconscious is absolutely faithful. It has absolute faith, trust. There is no logic in the unconscious. It cannot resist, so whatsoever is said is believed. There is no problem. That's why so much emphasis is placed on faith - shraddha. Faith is of the path of surrender; it belongs to the path of surrender.

Whatsoever is said is believed on the path of surrender. It is day, and the Teacher says it is night - believe it! Why? Because this believing will break the habit of questioning, resistance. Ultimately it will destroy the so-called barrier of your conscious mind. And when the conscious mind is not there, the Teacher and you become one. Then you can work - not before that. Then it is a telepathic relationship. You are in a deep communion. So whatsoever the Guru thinks becomes a part of you. Now, whatsoever he wants to do, he can do it. You have become just totally receptive to him. Now there is not a fight between the Teacher and the disciple; otherwise it is a fight. There is a communion, a deep meeting.

So Hui-Hai said, "I do not know. I simply surrendered; that is what I did. The only thing I did was this. I said to myself that I have tried and I have struggled, and I have not found any bliss. It may be that I am the cause of all my misery. If I choose the path of will, again I will be choosing, again I will be practising, again I will be there. Whatsoever the result may be, I will be present in it. And if I am the misery - and I have tried everywhere and I have done everything - it is better to drop myself and see what happens. So I told my Teacher that I would surrender, and after that I simply waited for twelve years. I don't know what he was doing, but many things were happening. I was transforming - I was being transformed and changed."

Our unconscious minds are related. They are one. We are islands only as far as our conscious minds are concerned. Otherwise we are not separate: the deeper mind is one. If I am talking to you, then there are two ways to convey my message to you. One is through your conscious mind. It is a method of struggle because your conscious mind will go on thinking about it. It cannot accept. First it has to negate.

The first thing the conscious mind says is "no", and "yes" comes only in a very faltering way. "Yes" comes only as a helplessness. you cannot say "no", you cannot find any way to say "no", you are unable to say "no", you have no argument for saying "no", so you say "yes". Your "yes" is impotent, weak, just out of helplessness. The moment you find another reason to say "no", you again feel to be vibrating with energy. Your "no" is very potent. "Yes" is just dead; "no" is alive with the conscious mind.

The conscious mind is a conflict continuously - defending, afraid, looking around with fear. It cannot trust; it cannot say yes wholeheartedly. Even if it says it, it is always a temporary thing. It is waiting for the real no to come, and then it will say it. So you can convince a man, but you cannot convert him. you can argue with a man, you can silence him with argument, but you cannot convert him.

He may feel that he cannot say anything more, but inside, deep down, he knows that something must be found somewhere, which will prove that you are wrong and he is right. It is only that at this moment he is unable to say no, so he accepts. But this acceptance is not a conversion. It is just a temporary defeat, and he feels hurt and he will take revenge. This is one way which has become prominent in this age. If you have to convey something, you have to convey it through the conscious mind.

In ancient days, quite the contrary was the method. Drop this conscious mind and convey directly through the unconscious. Time is saved, energy is saved and unnecessary struggle is saved. That's what is meant by surrender. Surrender means now you say, "I am no one any more. Now, whatsoever you say I will follow. I will not decide to follow again and again. Now there will be no question withe very decision. I decide, finally, ultimately."

With the conscious mind you have to decide again and again every moment. With the surrendering mind, you have decided once, you have chosen, then you drop. And when you don't doubt, when you don't question, then by and by the conscious mind loses its grip because it is a mechanical thing. If you don't use it, it becomes non-functional. If you don't use your legs for twelve years, they will become non-functional. Then you won't be able to walk.

So Hui-Hai continuously waited in a surrendering mood for twelve years. He could not think, he could not argue, he could not say 'no'. 'Yes' became the mood, yes became potent, yes became strong, alive. 'No' was just not there.

In this state direct transformation is possible. Then the Teacher can do much. Then he penetrates into you. Then he begins to transform you. And the more you are transformed form inside, the more conscious you become, but that is not your work.

In Indonesia there is now a modern method: they call it LATIHAN (from subud methods). It works miraculously. One has not even to surrender to the Teacher - one simply surrenders to the Divine. But the surrender must be total. One surrenders to the Divine and says to the Divine, "Now, finally, I say whatsoever you want to do with me, do! I will not resist. Now, whatsoever happens I will follow it as if it is your instructions." And if a man begins to feel trembling, he trembles. If he begins to feel screaming, he screams. If he feels to run, he runs. He begins to behave in mad ways. But no resistance must be there. Whatsoever happens, he accepts it and flows with it, and within days he is a transformed being, a different being.

When you are totally receptive to the universal, the cosmic force, it transforms you. Then you need not transform yourself. Then you are carried in a very strong current. If you are not fighting, you are just carried. The Cosmic is present here, but you resist. You stand against it. Everyone is fighting against the Cosmic. Everyone feels himself more wise.

Leave it to the Cosmic. Surrender to the Cosmic, or surrender to the Teacher - it makes no difference. The real thing is surrender. But it is a very mad path - a very mad path - because what will happen is unpredictable. It may happen, it may not happen. You cannot know beforehand. You proceed in an unknown, uncharted sea, and you are not the master. You have surrendered. This surrendering breaks down your resistance, your ego. And when the surrendering is complete, there is light, there is awareness, there is flowering. You have flowered suddenly.

So when I say there is a possibility of surrendering, sometimes it looks as if it will be easy - as if the path of will must be arduous and the path of surrender must be easy. It is not so. To some the path of will is easy, to some the path of surrender is easy. It depends on you; it does not depend on the path. No path is easy, no path is difficult. It depends on you! If the path suits you, it is easy.

Hui-Hai was not doing anything, so it was easy in a way. But you know what he did? He surrendered. It was done in a single moment. But can you do it, this waiting for twelve years? Distrust and many things will come in. Someone will say, "Why are you wasting time with this man? He is a fraud. he has deceived many. many have come and gone. What you are doing here?"

Hui-Hai would listen and would not react. And this is not the end: the Teacher would even create many, many things which would bring doubt. Suddenly Hui-Hai would think, "What am I doing here? Am I mad with this man? And what is he doing? If he just proves to be a fraud after twelve years, then my life is wasted." And this man, this Teacher, would create many situations in which doubt would arise, and the mind would begin to function. But Hui-Hai would not listen to the mind. He would say, "I have surrendered. I have surrendered and now there is no going back." It is not easy. Nothing is easy, but things become more difficult if you choose wrongly.

And lastly, I would like to say that it is natural that we always choose wrongly. There is a reason for it. Because the opposite is always attractive, it is natural that we choose wrongly. All choice is basically sexual - so a man chooses a woman, a woman chooses a man, and the same goes on and on in every dimension. If you are a man of surrender, it is more possible that you will choose the path of will because will will be more attractive: it is the opposite. If you are a man of will, you may choose the path of surrender because the other, the opposite, is more attractive. It happens in many ways.

Mahavir is a man of will, but his followers, his authentic followers, will be men of surrender because he will attract the opposite. He is a man of will but he will attract those who are men of surrender. So if followers decide by themselves they will begin to follow Mahavir's ways, and this will be a wrong thing because Mahavir is a man of will and his path is the path of will. If they just begin to follow whatsoever Mahavir is doing, they will be wrong and ultimately frustrated. If they leave it to Mahavir, then Mahavir will always suggest to them the path of surrender. This is the problem.

So when the Teacher is dead and a long time has passed, it becomes a deep cause of confusion for the followers - because now the Teacher cannot decide: you have to decide. So someone becomes attracted to Buddha and he begins to follow Buddha's path as Buddha did. This is going to be wrong. If Buddha could have been asked, he would have suggested a different thing.

The last dying words of Buddha to Ananda are, "Ananda, be a lamp unto yourself. Don't follow me: appa DEEPO BHAVA - Be a lamp unto yourself! Don't follow me." Ananda was following Buddha continuously for forty years. It was not a small period. For his whole life Ananda had followed devotedly, and no one could say that his devotion was imperfect in any way or incomplete. It was total. But Ananda, the most devoted follower, could not achieve Enlightenment, and the death of Buddha was nearing.

One day Buddha said, "Now, today I am going to leave this body."

So Ananda began to weep and said, "What will I do now? For forty years I have been following you in every single detail." Even Buddha could not say, "You have not followed and that's why you have not reached." He had followed and he was sincere, but he was still an ignorant man.

Buddha said, "Unless I die, Ananda, it seems you will not reach."

"Why?" Ananda asked.

Buddha said, "Unless I die, you cannot return to yourself. You are too much attached to me, and I have become the barrier. You have followed me, but you have forgotten yourself completely."

You can follow a Teacher blindly and still reach nowhere - if you are just following the Teacher according to you. Remember these words: "according to you." Then you have not surrendered. Surrender means now you are no more there to decide. The Teacher decides. Even if the Teacher is not there, surrender to the cosmic energy. Then the cosmic energy decides. The moment you surrender, your gates are thrown open and the cosmic flood enters you from everywhere and transforms you.

Look at it this way: my house is filled with darkness. I can do two things. Either I have to create light in my house - then I will have to create it; or, I can open my doors and the sun is outside. I just open my doors, and my house becomes a host to the Divine guest, to the sun, to the rays. Then I become receptive and the darkness disappears.

On the path of will, you have to create the light. On the path of surrender, light is there - you have just to be open. But when the house is dark and when everywhere there is darkness, one fears to open doors - one fears even more. Who knows whether light will enter or whether thieves will come in? So you lock up. You close every possibility so that nothing enters in. That is the situation.

Either create light by yourself: then the darkness disappears. Or, use the cosmic light: that is always there. Then open yourself! Be vulnerable! Then don't depend on anyone. Then be ready, whatsoever happens. If you are ready no matter what may happen, then darkness itself becomes light. With that readiness, nothing can remain dark. That very readiness transforms you totally.

 

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