My rape experience , and how it changed me. Input welcome

Somebody please help me , the first time it happend i had no clue what was happening I was just an innocent young white kid around 10 or so all I knew was my coach who was partying with my parents was suddenly alone in the bed with me my room pitch black except for the light coming underneath the door. I remember him talking quietly to me almost playing it off. And then he left. Then it happend my bf molested me as I lay in bed. In total darkness awake but acting asleep, first time it happend he was gentle lightly running his hand all over backside, from my thighs up and around my butt where he took extra time to use his fingers to explore my crack , I was so f***ing nervous I was froze with panic, I could hear him masterbating with his other hand then he reached under and began caressing my penis. Then it happend I remember it tickled and began arousing me . One night I'm laying there and Mikey pulls my boxers off exposing my naked lower half and he all the sudden has me in his mouth and proceeds to bob up and down with a fury , I can't tell who's enjoying this more him or me, I remember struggling to keep from letting out moans until it was to much and I exploded inside his mouth .. I remember feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, confused for liking what had just happend. Even worse was the desires and cravings I had to experience it all over.. To this day i fantasize and have curious thoughts . Is it wrong to wanna experience A huge penis filling me up and start to pulse and contract from ogasm . Tweet