I need to know that there's hope: my complete drug history...

My Drug History:

January 2007 --> July 2007

50-120mg of Accutane

*This was the beginning of the madness. The hell, whatever you want to call it. I became extremely depressed, anxious, socially isolated, paranoid, psychotic at times, developed body dysmorphic disorder, terrible body pain, confusion, cognitive difficulties.

August 2007 --> July 2009

10mg Lexapro

*Felt OK during this period in comparison to the rest of my drug history. All the while WAS very anxious, depressed at times, hyper-stimulated, DP/DR, and became extremely emotionally blunted near the end.

July 2009

Rapid tapered 10mg Lexapro in 2 weeks

*The month off of basically c/t Lexapro was complete hell: extreme depression, anxiety, bipolar swings, suicidal feelings, thoughts, rage, everything you'd imagine.

August 2009

Reinstated 10mg Lexapro

*TURNING POINT, and one of the most regrettable decisions, imo, to date. Made me worse and made the next 6 years possible. It did tamper down bits of the c/t, but kindled, for sure.

August 2009 --> July 2010

Lexapro 10mg

*Tried staying put and stabilizing... never happened and got deteriorated worse to the point of terrible exercise intolerance and Chronic-Fatigue-Syndrome symptoms... with the accompanying adverse psych drug effects.

July 2010 --> November 2010

Switched to 20mg Celexa from Lexapro

*Did nothing for me. Tried to stabilize for 4 months and just slept all the time and felt horrible. Was sleeping 16 hours a day at points.

November 2010

Tapered 20mg Celexa in 4 weeks

*The taper itself wasn't bad. I felt things again, started to feel REAL, and thought this may be the end of it.

January 2011

Drug Free

*As time passed, I began going downhill... developing SEVERE anxiety again, depression, continuing exercise intolerance, food sensitivities , candida?/IBS symptoms, periods of feeling like I was going to pass out, die. This is the first time in my drug history where I legitimately feared for my life and felt like I was going to die a majority of the time. Severe panic, phobias, food allergy symptoms, gut issues, started getting close to bed bound.

April 2011

Started going rapidly downhill; quit UW-Madison.. could not school/work.

*Couldn't work or go to school. Everything above became worse. I was lost. Had no clue what was going on (at that point, for some reason, I got so fixated on healing myself through detoxing and natural healing that I completely disregarded Celexa w/d). A panic attack at the therapist prompted me being prescribed the benzo.

July 2011 --> January 2012

Started unknown amounts of Xanax 'as needed''; not sure how much/how often I ended up taking.

*TURNING POINT... I had no idea the dangers of benzos... but I got addicted and quick. The rest has been pretty much stemming from this experience. If I would have known I was still in Celexa w/d and had the resolve/confidence that I do now, this would be the end of my drug history.

November 2011 --> Present

45mg Armour Thyroid

*Noticed nothing, really.

January 2012 --> Present

20mg Hydrocortisone

*Terrible decision. My adrenals were completely healthy, albeit very stressed at this point. This was another one of those moments I wish I could have back.. HC has done NOTHING to help me, and it made me worse and precipitated my 6-8 months of being almost completely bed bound and fearing for my life every day.



*Admitted myself to the Psych Hospital in June 2012, because I wanted to die, and I was expecting it. Got put on Prozac and Ativan and released 1 week later.



Post Hospital-

June 2012 --> Present

30mg Prozac

*No idea what this has done for me. Wish I could have gotten out of the hospital without it.

June 2012 --> Oct. 2012

.75mg Ativan

*This may or may not have been a positive. I was surely still in benzo withdrawal at this point, so getting put on ativan and then crossing to Valium may have saved my life.

October 2012 --> Present

10-15mg Valium

*Now tapering this... and it's been difficult, no doubt, but this is no comparison to when I was in c/t and on my back 24/7 dying from anorexia and in severe panic 24/7.



..and where I'm at now??? Well, I'm a completely different person and don't fear anything (although the w/d itself causes the intense fear). In a way I'm glad that I've gone through all of this, because it has changed my outlook on life, my relationship with my sister, and I'm a much more compassionate person. But everyday I look back and regret the decisions that I allowed to happen to myself. I miss exercising. I miss weightlifting, playing basketball, camping, being with friends, doing ANYTHING and enjoying it. I hate looking back everyday and worrying that I'll never heal from this... that I will always be like this... worrying about not having a roof over my head long enough to be drug free and heal... being over the age of 30 and still not done with this all. It's hard to believe that this will end up having taken up 10+ years of my life... but you can thank our medical establishment and psychiatry for that. I went from working 60+ hours a week and being extremely active in the gym and outdoors to being a shell of my former self at the age of 27. Only by the determination and mental strength am I now able to work part time and go to school part time.



At the current moment, I'm tapering my Valium... then plan on tapering my corticosteroid, then the Prozac, and finally my Thyroid med... and then the healing begins... it'll probably be a good 2-3 years before I'm off everything... at the least.



Currently:

6.9mg Valium

16.25mg HC

30mg Prozac

45mg Armour Thyroid





Currents Symptoms:

Physical

-Exhaustion/tiredness/weakness

-Body/joint pain

-Muscle wasting

-Severe exercise intolerance

-Cold hands/feet

-Tingling/Numbness in body

-Air hunger

-Hypoglycemia

- food intolerances /reactions/IBS

-Dizziness

-Internal Vibrations

-Nauseated

-Dry Mouth

-Heart Palpitations

-Thrush



Mental

-Blackouts/Severe Memory Impairment

-Cognitive difficulties

-Difficult to speak/communicate

-Severe anxiety/panic

-Severe depression

-Suicidal Ideations/thoughts

-Terror/Fear

-Paranoia

-Feelings of rage

-Extremely irritable

-Catatonic at times

-Confusion

-Emotionally Blunted

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Basically, I just need validation that it makes sense that I still feel like I do. That I still feel like I'm an invalid... even though I can manage to work part time/school part time. I want to be whole again. To live again. Be myself again.

Things that I'm doing to help myself?

Well, I've colon cleansed for 1-2 years now... taking a BIG T of Psyllium with water everyday and have cleaned out feet and feet of dark plaque.. I rarely see anymore of it. Having 1-3 bm's daily... 75% are large and fully formed...

Have been eating well within the limits of what I can tolerate.

Diets consists of:
Quinoa, Chickpeas, about a LB of raw brocolli a day, coconut oil, wheat germ oil, avocados, nutritional yeast.. the occasional few T of organic, real peanut butter.

Everything but the wheat germ oil is organic.

I'm drinking about 1/2 gallon of water a day.

Have been sleeping earthed for 3+ years.

I just want to know that this struggle will pay off. Tweet