I feel guilty all the time.

So here's the deal. I feel guilty all the time. I'll pick some trivial matter and let it build up until I think its a huge deal, then I usually try to make amends with the problem only to find out its nothing.

For instance: I did some homosexual experimentation in my younger years. I let this fester into a deep thing in the back of my mind. I got caught in logic circles and decided that since I had done these things this meant I was bisexual. So I tell my friends, family, and even girlfriend I'm a bisexual. My dad asks me why I think that and I tell him that I've had homosexual encounters younger in life and some a little later when extremely drunk. (Mostly just kissing) So he says " Well I mean I love you you whatever you want to call yourself, but I don't think you're bisexual. I'd bet every guy in this restaurant has had similar situations." "Well how do I know I'm not a bisexual if I've done these things?" " Are you attracted to men?" "No" " Wellllllll"....

I bring this up because that one was about a week ago. There are also things like... I once bought a drum set from my best friend when I was 16 and only paid him half the agreed amount and just let the debt be forgot about. Several years later it entered my mind and I felt guilty. So I texted him and asked how much I owed him and that I'm sorry. He didn't even remember and told me not to worry about it.

I feel guilty if I tell anything but the absolute truth. This is a typical type of story... "I once met Lou Ferrigno, you know, the hulk from that 80's version." "Really?" "No, I just saw him at a comic book convention."

My poor girlfriend. The very first New Years we were together I told her absolutely everything I could think of that made me feel guilty then told her I'd understand If she didn't want to be with someone like me. She told me she loved me :) I feel guilty when I kiss other girls on the cheek, or even when I hug them sometimes.

Its gotten to where I just can't not feel guilty. I'll feel guilty about something, obsess, purge by 'confessing to someone', then I'll find something new to feel guilty about. It's like I'm addicted to the feeling.

In the wake of this bisexuality thing. After realizing, I was just over analyzing I have now decided to feel guilty about a self-gratification experience. I spank the monkeyd during which time I looked at several images/ videos on the internet. Oddly enough I don't feel guilty about self-gratification in and of itself, but one of these images I looked at was of an ex girlfriend. I didn't think anything about it at the time nor did I feel guilty about it until days later... when the need, or compulsion, or whatever it is ... to feel guilty was not being satisfied.

So now I'm in the usual mental conundrum. Do I truly feel guilty or am I just feeding my 'addiction'? Is what I did wrong? Should I tell my girlfriend? If I did would it be just to make myself feel better and end up causing more harm than good? Am I just making a big deal out of nothing because I need to have something to make into a big deal? I don't want to make her feel insecure about a trivial matter because it happens to be the thing I'm focusing on this week.

This is the first time I have sought help for this. I have wonderful friends and family, a sweet apartment in a hip downtown community, a descent car, and a job I enjoy that provides me with more than enough income. I just want to live a normal, healthy, happy life, but for some reason I won't let myself.

What do I do?

Tweet