Re: Raped In The Rooms of AA

I want you to know how sorry I am that this happened to you, and you didn't "deserve" it.

I have experienced my share of sexual assaults during my lifetime, and I never reported any of them - I believed that I was somehow responsible for those events, and that I should have "known better," thus adding to the shame-core beliefs that had been formed during my childhood as a result of a dysfunctional home environment.  Fear was the greatest factor in my not reporting the incidents - a fear that I would not be believed, and that I would be blamed for the actions of others.  I have carried layers of shame for nearly my entire lifetime.

Having typed that, you're not "stupid," and that feeling is not a fact.  It's a layer of shame that the rapist placed on you, which is a typical response.  You have nothing to be ashamed of - a crime was committed against you.  And, chances are, this guy has done this, before.

Absolutely, tell you counseling therapist about the event.  Please, keep in mind that your counselor is not going to sit in judgment of you, nor will they lay blame on you.  Your therapist will help you to come to your own decisions about how to process the crime that was committed against you, and determine what your course of action(s) will be. 

BlueRose is a strong supporter of the National Rape Hotline, www.rainn.org, and am passing this site along to you so that you can begin to sort out this horrific event.  You are not alone, and you are not required to define who you are by this event, or any others. 

The most important thing for you, right now, is to live in the present and to process the event with your counselor.  (S)he will likely encourage you to report the crime, and that will have to be a personal decision.  That you are doing the work to process your lifetime of experiences and taking responsibility for your sobriety (CONGRATULATIONS!!!) is a reflection that you intend to be who you are and emerge from your traumas. 

As for telling your sponsor, I cannot tell how to approach that.  I can only tell you what I would do, especially given the personal work that I've done processing my own traumas.  I would first tell my counselor, then my sponsor, then I would report the crime.  Even if it would be his word against mine, I would still report it because people who do this don't just wake up and think, "Gee, my life has been so dull, lately, that I'm going to sexually assault someone."  Rape is not about sex - it's about control, shame, humiliation, devaluing, and the whole host of negatives that occur for their victims.  This guy has likely done this, before, and will do it, again, because he's figured out the "shame" factor that typically prevents rape victims (male, as well as female) from reporting their crimes.

EDIT ADD:  And, please, do not judge any 12-Step program by the actions of this one man.  To be sure, there are many predators that use many means to serve their purposes, and AA can be one of them.  But, typically, people who are involved in AA as a matter of their own choice (not Court-ordered, or mandated by family) are interested in personal recovery and healing. 

My very best wishes to you.