Abuse and the "Holiday Season"

During the Holiday Season, abuses increase at a dramatic rate.  Gas-lighting, coercion, verbal/emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and sexual abuse are at a fevered pitch, while the statistics on physical violence drop, dramatically.  Why?

A Holiday or special event is the most perfect time for an abuser to work non-violent abuses.  Typically, there will be more verbal abuse in the form of threats, like, "If you don't _____, the children won't get any presents, and it will be your fault."  Fill in the blank with anything that you can think of, whether it's sex, money, or just to cause the victim to cower, cave in, and meet the abuser's demands.

Abusers use tactics of "Withold and Reward," which translates into an expectation that is dangled in the victim's face that will be met only if, and only when the victim acquiesces to the abuser's demands.  This type of abuse is more damaging than any slap in the face, because it deliberately dehumanizes and objectifies the victim to their very core.  The victim's perception that they are powerless, helpless, and useless is driven home with surgical precision by these tactics.  A victim literally feels that they are deserving of the abuse.  Over time, the victim's "feeling" of worthlessness, helplessness, powerlessness, and hopelessness develop into a system of beliefs.

A few examples from my personal experiences with a violent abuser are:

• Him:  if you don't give me the type of sex that I want, right now, the kids aren't going to get a single present
• Him:  if you don't ask your parents for money, we won't be able to buy presents for the kids
• Him:  you are not taking my kids to Christmas Service unless you (get money, provide sex, or agree with whatever he was insisting)
• Him:  the kids aren't going to have a Christmas, and it's going to be your fault because you didn't (see above)
• Him:  you're not authorized to use our joint account to buy a things for a Holiday meal, unless you (see above)

These are actual examples and there are many, many more that others could add to them from their own experiences.  What is important to note is that the victim is held responsible for any/all dashed expectations if they refuse or debate any demand by the abuser.

From the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, www.thehotline.org :

• Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members
• Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs
• Controlling every penny spent in the household
• Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
• Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
• Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
• Preventing you from making your own decisions
• Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
• Preventing you from working or attending school
• Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
• Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
• Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
• Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol

Examples of emotional abuse from www.thehotline.org :

• Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
• Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
• Trying to isolate you from family or friends
• Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
• Demanding to know where you are every minute
• Punishing you by withholding affection
• Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
• Humiliating you in any way
• Blaming you for the abuse
• Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
• Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
• Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
• Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
• Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
• Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

Examples of sexual abuse from www.thehotline.org :

• Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
• Insulting you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
• Forcing or manipulating you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
• Holding you down during sex
• Demanding sex when you’re sick, tired or after hurting you
• Hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
• Involving other people in sexual activities with you against your will
• Ignoring your feelings regarding sex
• Forcing you to watch p 0 r n o g r a p h y
• Purposefully trying to pass on a sexually transmitted disease to you

Examples of financial abuse from www.thehotline.org :

• Giving an allowance and closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
• Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
• Preventing you from viewing or having access to bank accounts
• Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
• Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
• Stealing money from you or your family and friends
• Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
• Refusing to give you partner money, food, clothing, gas or medicine
• Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household
• Making you give them your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns

Examples of "Reproductive Coercion" from www.thehotline.org :

• Refusing to use a condom or other type of birth control
• Breaking or removing a condom during intercourse
• Lying about their methods of birth control (ex. lying about having a vasectomy, lying about being on the pill)
• Refusing to “pull out” if that is the agreed upon method of birth control
• Forcing you to not use any birth control (ex. the pill, condom, shot, ring, etc.)
• Removing birth control methods (ex. rings, IUDs, contraceptive patches)
• Sabotaging birth control methods (ex. poking holes in condoms, tampering with pills or flushing them down the toilet)
• Withholding finances needed to purchase birth control
• Monitoring your menstrual cycles
• Forcing pregnancy and not supporting your decision about when or if you want to have a child
• Forcing you to get an abortion, or preventing you from getting one
• Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t comply with their wishes to either end or continue a pregnancy
• Continually keeping you pregnant (getting you pregnant again shortly after you give birth)

Our current culture recognizes domestic violence and abuse as a social epidemic.  The statistics on DV&A are staggering, especially among teens and young adults.  If you have read the examples, above, and are able to identify any of them within your relationship, please, understand this cold, hard fact:  it will never, ever, EVER "get better."  There is not enough money, sex, slaps, punches, kicks, or verbal abuses in the world that will ever satisfy an abuser's need for control and power.  There isn't.  Abusers do not want to stop.

"But, what about the children?  How will I make it, on my own?  (S)he has threatened to kill me if I try to leave!"  Yes, these are genuine fears and they can all be addressed and managed with an abundance of help and support through agencies, groups, counselors, and other resources.  There is no excuse or reason good enough to remain in an abusive relationship and environment - not one.  Especially, if children are involved.  A child does not have the maturity or physiological ability to process what they witness, and those children will do one of two things, without fail:  a) develop into a "perfect victim," or b) develop into a more creative and effective abuser.  There are no other possibilities, regardless of what we might wish to believe, otherwise.  Trauma is carried by a child into their adulthood, and the traumas that they experience affect their core-beliefs.  So, if remaining for the "sakes of the children" is the current food for the Fear Monkey, accept the fact that it only harms them to a degree that will cause them to make terrible choices, as adults.

DV&A crosses all boundaries of race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, religion, and socio-economic status.  There is no "demographic" for DV&A. 

For more information on options, resources, safety, and exit strategies, please, visit the following websites:

www.thehotline.org

www.nrcdv.org

www.domesticviolenceresources.org

www.rainn.org

www.mencenter.org

www.180rule.com

www.familyarrested.com

Brightest Blessings for a safe, peaceful, and healing Holiday Season

Tweet