I'm new just looking for some advice I guess

I am going through a divorce right now. It has been almost 2 years since my husband and I have lived together. My husband keeps asking me why I am doing this to him. As a result of that I spend a lot of time thinking about our relationship and discovering more and more things that I had somehow forgotten. Things that I feel so disconnected from that it's almost like I've been living in a fake life all this time. When we started dating me he hit me and choked me out of no where. I've always known it but it's like I forgot or made it not real. When I was pregnant with our daughter I went to a girl friend's house and got back a few minutes later than expected, he raped me while hitting me and screaming at me to beg him for forgiveness. It's not even like over time I forgot these things (these are just two of so many that I have been realizing in these past months), but it's like the next day I woke up and it was no longer real to me. Is something wrong with me? We were together for almost 4 years. I started feeling severely suicidal, but I couldn't tell anyone why. I hated myself and I feared him, but when I left I could only say it was because I wasn't happy. Like all of the abuse was hidden so well that even I forgot it. How could I forget it? Do you think going back and remembering will help me move on or do you think it will make me even more depressed? Any advice would be really nice. Tweet