Lonely and Broken

Hi, so there's nobody on here I'm guessing, since there hasn't been any posts for 18 days.

I was actually looking for the "Liver" forum and was scrolling through all the "L's"... Hey, yep.... That's me... I'm pretty f*cking lonely right now. I realised it earlier today, when I was trying all these home remedies on myself, desperately trying to feel better, struggling, as I always seem to be, searching, ever searching for the answer to my infernal health problems.

Why do I always feel like SH*T???

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?~!?!?!?

Then a thought struck me. I'm dying of a broken heart. I'm lonely. Like, really, truly, deeply lonely. I don't feel there's a soul in the world I can connect with on any deep level. This part of my journey is utterly, truly alone.

Sure, there are people around me. People I know. "Friends" and acquaintances. But I never feel like anyone really gets it, get's me. I feel like I walk alone through this path in life, and all the times I look back I see that I was alone, after all, that all relationships I ever had were delusions. I've only ever been alone, reaching out, but there's nothing really there. So I don't reach anymore. I don't reach for friends, I don't reach for family. I left my long-term lover. The reaching and the nothing there, that is way more painful than the not trying. I realised I haven't socialised at all this year. I don't really care. There's nothing to miss, just a heap of explaining myself to people that don't understand. Nobody understands. Nobody gets it. I shouldn't open my mouth. I shouldn't be honest. But I can't help it.

It's painful at times. Sometimes, well, most times, I prefer it, to be alone, by myself. There is this huge feeling of relief when I can do my own thing in my own space. My bubble. I don't have to explain anything. I can just relax and be me.

But sometimes, like today, it's rainy, and I'm sick and I'm just dying for a hug, for someone to touch me ;( I'm an attractive 30 year old female, it doesn't make sense. But I feel completely unlovable.

I know it's probably my vibe, my inner melancholy. There is an emptiness in my heart. There is an underlying desperation for healing. I just wish I was healthy. More than anything else in the world, I wish my body was ALIVE. I'm slender, fit and athletic. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs. I smile a lot, but nobody ever asks me out. Only seedy old men. Greying/balding men in their mid to late 40s with a beer gut seems to be the default attraction in my life. No offense to these guys, some of them are nice people. But of course I always say thanks, but no thanks. I'm not being stuck up, but I must be too friendly for my own good. I'm a genuine person, and people must see this as vulnerability. But I'm real. Nobody else seems to get it. Or they get it, but not quite.

There are 6 billion people in this world. We are all individuals on our own path. What could be more lonely than life itself.

I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm dying of loneliness.