Using Common Sense

How can we possibly know that someone might be a malignant narcissist or a sociopath?  There's no outward, physical symptoms, so what are the some of the common traits of sociopathy?  From the website, www.lovefraud.com, the list below is a good start:

• Glib and superficial
• Egocentric and grandiose
• Lack of remorse or guilt
• Lack of empathy
• Deceitful and manipulative
• Shallow emotions

What the hell does "glib" mean?  When someone makes a "glib" comment, it goes something like this:  a woman just lost her infant to SIDS and you express a normal empathetic response of sorrow for her loss.  A malignant narcissist or sociopath will say something like, "She'll get over it - she can make another baby."  Okay....we all say things that are inappropriate every so often, and sometimes attempting a comedic response is how people cope with tragedy.  But, a consistent display of inappropriate comments is a screaming, flapping, waving RED FLAG for us to either attend to our strict boundaries with this person, or simply (best choice) walk away from them - don't let them into your head for a second!!  Another example of a "glib" response comes directly from the mouth of my former business partner with regard to suicide:  "Let them die!  More food for me!"

Egocentric and grandiose - this is kind of difficult to pin down until you've spent some time with the sociopath.  They fabricate incredible histories for themselves.  For instance, my eldest son who has been properly diagnosed a sociopath has claimed to be a decorated combat veteran and has gone so far as to generate and forge military documents that might support his claim.  He also claims to be of Italian descent - he has an affinity with mafia-related activities.  My former business partner claimed to have been the sole music teacher for one of the top 4 American Idol finalists who just happened to have family in the wee, tiny PA town that he lived in.  Sometimes, the deceptions are so clever and complete that these people can worm their ways into situations that they believe will "validate" their status:  hobnobbing with celebrities or powerful politicians, etc.  Ted Bundy rubbed elbows with a number of high-level State politicians, and nobody was the wiser to his heinous crimes.

Lack of remorse or guilt:  these types of people cannot and WILL not apologize for harming others.  If they ever do render an apology, it is backhanded and obviously insincere.  They justify their behaviors and choices.  An example of this is the former business partner who said (and, I quote), "Sure, I work 'the system' because I deserve to be cared for."  This remark was with regard to applying for and taking disability payments when he was perfectly fit to work a real job.  The lack of remorse also includes things like shoplifting, borrowing money and never repaying the loan, setting up coworkers to be disciplined or fired, becoming heavily involved in organized religion to hide their crimes (or, sins), engaging in illegal activities, using people for sex and discarding them, etc.

Lack of empathy simply means that these types of people literally do not feel the normal range of emotions that others do.  They do not feel pity for others.  They do not feel grief.  They do not feel sorrow.  They do not feel joy.  They do not feel contentment.  The only way that they can express what they perceive to be normal human emotions is to mirror what they observe in others.  Paying close enough attention to our boundaries and the behaviors of others will flesh out these types of people's failure to behave appropriately.  For instance, the former business partner's second wife died of cancer and, to this day, he displays what he believes to be a normal behavior by acting as if she had just passed each year on the anniversary of her death about 13 years, ago - his recollection of her condition has nothing to do with her, but everything to do with what he "went through" during her illness.  He even maintains a website dedicated to her "memory" and posts over-the-top sentimental remarks on Christmas, Mother's Day, and Easter - all other times of the year, he's busy chasing women, setting people up to take them for a financial ride, etc. 

Deceitful and manipulative is universal.  If they want something, they will say and do whatever they believe will get it for them.  The manipulations of these types of people are so devious that those who do not fit this profile are often unaware that they've even been played.  The deceptions have alread been mentioned:  pretending to be someone or something that they aren't.  The manipulations occur simply because the source targets (victims) either don't have, or don't observe, strict personal boundaries.  They manipulate trust, loyalty, pity, and every other emotion and reaction that will get them what they want.  These types of people generally trample boundaries, for instance:  a former friend who fit the profile of a sociopath (and, actually did hard time for "theft by deception") would often say about her mother that she couldn't wait until she died.  I finally told her that I didn't appreciate her making those comments, because I would have given everything that I owned to spend another half hour with my own mother who had passed.  Her response was, "Well, you don't understand - she was very abusive to me when I was a child."  Regardless of history, defending a behavior that someone has identified as objectionable to them and continuing to engage in the offensive behavior is another indication that the person fits the profile of a sociopath.

Shallow emotions is what I equate with acting.  These types of people present what they believe to be the appropriate emotion without ever feeling it.  For instance, the former friend mentioned above had finally been caught in a number of deceptions that involved me, personally.  When I finally asked, "By what right do you feel it appropriate to discuss my personal finances with people that you're serving in a restaurant?" she attempted to divert the focus by answering, "I didn't say anything to those people, and my husband's been beating me, again."  After a couple of minutes, I ended the conversation by telling her that I wasn't interested in whether or not she'd been physically abused by her husband - a shock to her, I'm sure, because I had given her all of my personal history and she had put forth an incredible effort to align herself with me through abuse, neglect, victimization, etc.  True to form, she showed up at my door a few minutes later pretending to cry about being beaten.  Her shoulders heaved and shook, and she caused her hands to tremble when I gave her a cup of coffee, but not one tear slid down her cheek.  My eldest son can turn on the waterworks at the drop of a pin if it will suit his needs.  But, he doesn't feel the pain required to create true sorrow.  The only "true emotion" that I've ever seen someone who fits the profile of a socipath display has been rage:  rage at being discovered for what they are; and, rage at being denied something that they want (money, sex, status, etc.).

What is so vital to our personal safety is constructing and maintaining strict boundaries and remaining vigilant so that NOBODY crosses them.  This means BFF's, family, coworkers, significant others, etc. - NOBODY is excused from recognizing our boundaries.  If we say that we don't want to hear about someone wishing their mother to die, it means just that:  no excuses and no allowances.  If we say that we don't defraud anyone, we don't make exceptions for anyone, regardless of their complaint or justification as to why they are immune to social morals and legal consequences.  If we tell someone that we don't appreciate continuous sexua| references, we must mean it and walk away from anyone who might place us or our businesses in jeopardy for a possible suit of sexua| harassment.  Boundaries are very, very difficult to construct if we don't clearly understand the depths and breadths of malignant narcissism and sociopathy - if we don't understand the dynamics, then we don't know where to begin or how to react to put up the "I'm NOT Your Source Target" sign, immediately. 

For more information on sociopathy, please, visit the website:  www.lovefraud.com.  This site is a great place to learn about sociopathy, and a wonderful place to heal from being victimized, regardless of who the perpetrator is. 

Brightest blessings, and get those boundaries squared away!