Hi,
I dont' know what to tell you. You are obviously hurting.
There are many people like you. I can relate my own self to you, too. We all can, in a way. If it helps, keep in mind you are not alone.
If you care to explain a little about your situation, some of us may have some advice or suggestion to help you. I know that explaining is very difficult when the accumulated pain is too much to handle; but if you try to explain a little, just a little about a single aspect of your life, it gets easier. Others can also make questions to help you clarify your ideas. And after that, you will surely get the benefits of human solidarity here.