Re: Always feelin guilty

I know exactly what you're talking about....I recently broke away from an N parent and after nineteen years of dealing with it, I'm still looking over my shoulder because I'm scared I'm going to be judged or doing something that people disapprove of. When I lived with the N parent, it was like having two seperate personalities. I had one, the real me, whcih all my friends and certain family members knew...then I had the one for N parent. The worst part was, "the real me" wasn't a bad person at all. I would have to lie about things in order to avoid being yelled at for hours and sometimes days on end for trivial things. I had to keep my hair a certain way for her, I had to keep my clothes and wear certain clothes around her (aka I had to wear dress clothes just to be seen in public with her even in a place such as a grocery store.), I had to have my make up perfect or i'd get yelled at about how I don't wear enough or how it looks "messed up".
I had to have my nails always painted, never chipped or plain, I couldn't have any differentiating opinion to hers. She would ask who was texting me, what they said, what I said back. A fight would spark if I didnt reply to the text with what she wanted me to reply with. Mind you, the fights would last for days. If I didn't do what she wanted, I'd be blackmailed. (i.e. "you're going to deliver this plate of cookies to the pastor's son and write him a cute note in this card or your phone and car insurance will be shut off.")

I couldn't even pick my own friends, boyfriends, life, anything. WHen it comes to make up and clothes...I'm an average girl. I wasn't "goth" or radical or anything..yet she would still complain. Nothing was ever good enough for her, and when it wasn't good enough, it got down right scary. I am glad to know other people have went through this...I feel so alone in this now that I've broken away from N parent.
I still have a lot of the same habits that I had around her...she was around my whole life..it's hard to break those horible habits after such a long time. It's going to be an uphill climb to break all those ways for me...but now that I know that there are others out there in my predicament, I think that will make it easier. Tweet