Ex Christian (#10)

wt-hell?!

Something inside of me is very unsettled right now. I have been thinking on it for awhile and feeling very weary in what is happening and has been happening inside of me. Although much has changed in my life recently, this odd feeling or maybe even this odd knowing continues to nag at me. I have a lot on my brain but at the same time not much at all. I am as free as a bird having no job, few bills and hardly any real responsibilities. Yet many times I am completely caged inside. My spirit torments me, my gut wrenches and writhes in pain, I feel that if I don't get this off of my chest and out of my body that I may simply explode. On the outside, to any passerby or even to those with me everyday, I look as though I have all my stuff together. I can be very wise, give good counsel, say things that make perfectly good sense to the idiotic mind and revel in the glory that is my easy, happy-go-lucky life. However, I know that I cannot escaping the wretched feeling deep within my bones. If I'm not careful it will seep out and those around me will smell the stench of an unhappy soul.
For nearly a year, I have had this unnerving feeling that I was constantly being lied to in everyday life over petty things. The start of it came during the summer of 2008 when I was applying for scholarship for a study abroad program. I had been accepted to study abroad in Mexico, living with a host family, studying in a foreign school and many days spent traveling and exploring. I was all set with my home school, but I thought that the scholarship would not come. But I got it and I became exceedingly glad, excited and nervous. I arrived in Mexico, got set up, took loads of test and came to find out that the school was not going to accept the credits that I was registered for. Therefore, because of lack of funds for yet another extra year of college I moved back to the states to finish off my degree. That entire month I felt that I was being lied to.
Before that my ex-fiance was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in the side of his jaw. For awhile things seemed to be looking up. The doctors had removed the tumor and treatment was underway. He maintained his joyous countenance but I knew that inside he was plagued with the idea that he was going to die. I felt that this was all some kind of sick joke that was being played. Like somebody was trying to test us to see if we could actually stay strong and stand behind what it was we believed in. Healing. We never saw it. I felt like I had been lied to and my stomach turns to this day thinking that everything we believe about sickness and death is a lie.
We've been told that life and death are all part of "The Curse" and because of the fault, excuse me, the sin, of one couple the entire world to this day and forevermore suffers the consequences of their mistake. I find it hard to believe that there is nothing that I can do in my own strength that can or will reverse that effect on my spirit, my body, my mind, my heart, or my soul. I am thoroughly infected with the most outrages from of diseases. In fact, we all are infected with the greatest sinfully transmitted disease. It is nothing less than the largest of pandemics ever to infect the world. Or that is, so we've been told.
It's been nearly 4 1/2 years since my first declaration of agnosticism. I sound like I'm at an AA meeting, Agnostic Anonymous, telling my story to others who struggle with this empty feeling inside. However, I did not stick with my first declaration and the third time was not the charm. Perhaps the fourth time I make my declaration it will stick. Who really knows? Is it really that important that I have a title for my lack? In the grand scheme of things, do my declarations really even matter or change who I am? I honestly don't think it matters. But for the sheer fact that I feel that I must explain myself, as we are very much accustomed to in this society, I will continue to try to unravel answers for which I have so many questions. I was raised Protestant Christian the majority of my life. Within this sect of Christianity, I have shifted back and forth between denominations but never being swayed from the basic fact that the Bible is the Word of God and what it says is truth. The foundation of Christianity, being that we have all sinned, Jesus came to take on our sin, was killed, buried, resurrected for us, and now sits at the right hand of the Father, was the foundation of my life from age 4 until I began questioning its validity at age 18. Never once did I rebel from the teachings of my elders, my mother, the pastor, the sunday school or VBS teachers. I held whole-heartedly to the saving stories of Noah, Moses and Jonah, to the courageous efforts of Daniel and Joshua, to the wisdom of Kings David and Solomon. Indeed these men are looked at as heroes; they were weaklings until God stepped in and clothed them in His love, grace and mercy. Just like the Superheroes of comic books, these guys were nerds and unattractive until they had their super gear on and >pow< they came in and saved the day and continue to teach everyone a valuable lesson. But is that all these men are to us? Are they just stories that give us valuable lessons and keep our morals in check? Did they really exist? Or is this some fabrication of someones beautiful imagination?
Why do I feel so caged up, when I've been taught all of my life that the truth sets me free? The answer to this question is the true beginning of my feelings of constantly being lied to. Petty events in life have caused me to look at and examine things that people have told me. I don't take anything that people say to me with face value. I dissect and analyze almost every bit of information that enters my ears, unless I know that it is pure nonsense to begin with. I almost always have to know the other side before I can make a solid decision and usually I feel like I'm guessing and taking a chance every time I try to make a decision. If the truth honestly does set me free, when do I actually begin to feel the freedom? I think that people get into their heads and feel that a few good quotes from the Bible helps them feel better and takes their mind off of things that are really happening. They decide that some unknown body has better control over their life than they do. They place blame on some other unknown body who is supposedly evil and is out to get us all, in Layman's terms. Does my freedom only come in death? If it does, then I thought that it came in the death of the beloved son on the God-forsaken cross. If it did, then why are we not free? My struggle over the past 4 years or so has been that of an ongoing wrestling match between what I feel deep within me, what I've been taught over years and years, and what people expect of me. I am tired of the struggle, but am I the one to decide who wins? Is this a RAW match where the winner is predetermined? Or is this street fighting where the better man is left standing? Maybe it's a Cinderella story and the underdog comes out on top? With these questions, I am presented with yet another struggle. I wish that I didn't care or at least didn't let the thoughts of others determine whether I cared or not. Why do I feel that I have been doped up with feel good medicine over many years and finally I am seeing the effects that excessive amounts of drugs does the body harm?
These thoughts make me ask the question: why do I desire to have a winner? Why can I not just forsake one ideal and live my life with the other? Some of the answers that I have come up with are as follows: I am scared; so I live my life with two or more conflicting ideas because I'm scared that one of them is the truth but I don't know which one. It seems better to be on the safe side having all my cracks sealed then to accidently have jumped into a sinking boat without a life jacket thinking I would be saved. I am therefore a coward; unable to make a solid decision because one side is not more convincing than the other side. I am brainwashed; I've been taught my whole life to live my life for the Lord, but really who is he? And why do I need to live my life for Him, if in fact it is My life?
I honestly want to live my life for me, yet I would feel that I would be letting down so many people in my life and that years and years of training would be flushed down the toilet. I believe that people would turn their backs on me and I would lose friends. But would I really be losing friends if I only made them on false presuppositions that I was on the same spiritual level as them. I think one reason I feel like I've been lied to, or maybe this is an effect of being lied to, is that the past few years have been fake. Looking back, through the eyes of today, it all looks like a lie, a falsification, a simple production whose curtains have closed. I had my lines to say, I had been training since I was 4. I had a scriipt ready at hand, in any translation and language. I even got tips on how to improve my performance from previous thespians. The scriipt and stage had taken over that which was reality and helped me through many tough times in my life. But that is exactly what it was, a play and I was simply a character. My scene is over and I feel free to walk away knowing that I performed well however much my heart longs to be on the stage in the spotlight again, I know that I will never go back to it again. I am ready to explore life outside of the theatre doors, away from the Directors guide and the criticism of the audience and fellow performers. I know that I will probably stumble, fall and be hurt but with the help of my former training I know that I will be able to get back up again. It's time to see what new adventures await me! I am finally free!