Full Body Scans to Double as Annual Checkups

Full Body Scans to Double as Annual Checkups
Solution to Airport Security, Health Care Woes


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) In what some in the White House are calling a "win/win" solution to the nation's airport security and health care reform problems, starting next month U.S. airports will begin conducting full body scans that will double as annual physical checkups.

President Obama announced the breakthrough solution, telling reporters, "With this all-purpose exam, we will be able to find everything from a hidden weapon to a spot on your lung."

After scanning a passenger, Mr. Obama said, "We will either give you a clean bill of health or wrestle you to the ground."

The President added that instituting the body scan/checkup could ward off some terrorists right from the start, "because a lot of them will balk at the $25 co-pay."

But according to Davis Logsdon, who studies Terrorism and health care reform at the University of Minnesota, the body scans may attract more terrorists than they deter: "If there's one complaint that terrorists have about al-Qaeda it's that they have lousy benefits."


Elsewhere, a new book claims that actor Warren Beatty slept with 13,000 women, making him the second-ranked golfer in the world.....