I'm just a scared kid.

First off, I'm just going to start this out by apologizing if it's too long. This might be a dump, so if it is, I apologize.
When I say I'm just a scared kid, in a lot of ways I truly am. I am 21 years old and have absolutely no idea who I am or what I want to do with my life. I realize this happens to everyone, young and old. However, it means something different for me.

There is a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. A lot of pretty terrible stuff (at least from my perspective). My parents/family do not like my partner, and my partner does not like them. I have basically cut off contact with my family because of things they have said about my partner. I have no friends. And recently we have been spending an increasing amount of time in the house, going nowhere.

I found this link a couple of nights ago while looking on the internet for the first time about codependency: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relati...


I was completely shocked at what I had come across. Honestly, it's like they were describing me. My mother was overbearing and a workaholic. My father was distant and didn't really spend much time with me. Both divorced and then re-married. Apparently this sort of home life can lead to a child being codependent as an adult.

I am constantly seeking approval from anyone and everyone, but it mostly used to be my mother growing up and now has transferred onto my partner.
This seems to be how I'm recognizing how it is these days:
When my partner and I fight, I feel like I am alone. I feel like I am worthless and not worthy of loving and am so afraid that every time we fight she is going to leave me (and of course most of our fights have to do with my family).
I feel the need to be close to her at all times.

She used to be on the computer a lot before I met her. Blogging, playing computer games and a member of many forums. She has a lot of online "friends" so to speak.
When she gets onto these forums and/or chats with people online I get a horrible nervous feeling in my stomach. I want to know everything that she's doing. I want to know who she's talking to.

It's getting to the point where I feel like I am absolutely insane. I don't want to act this way. Of course not! However, it's much like a compulsive disorder. I feel I have no control over it. Or perhaps it's an addiction.

Whatever the case, it is really starting to scare me. I am extremely unhappy and constantly feel worthless and ashamed and inadequate.

So now you may say: Oh wow, you really need to go see a therapist.
Well, I would. However, I have no medical insurance. So that throws that out of the window. I've been to the Codependents Anonymous site (before I found this one), and there are absolutely no meetings in my area.

I am so afraid. I have absolutely no idea what to do.
If you have any advice, please share it. At this point I am willing to try anything so I don't ruin my life. Tweet