ccxzz

Hello,
I'm a 22 year old single mom, and I just got out of a bad relationship. When we first moved in together I heard my ex in the bathroom snorting oxycontin. He then decided to take suboxone to help "fight the addiction". Little did I know you just have to wait a day before going back to oxycontin. So time goes on and my Depression and anxiety of him doing drugs behind my back get worse and worse. I feel like a horrible mom for staying with this guy even though I have a child, but to be honest I couldn't get out. And he was so convincing that he was changing. Then about a month a go he took me by the neck and threw me into a wall in front of my daughter. I of course did the right thing and called the cops. He got arrested and spent the weekend in jail only to have his mommy and daddy drop $50,000 to bail him out. Why they did something so stupid I don't know. So he comes out and tells me how sorry he is and that jail was a wake up call for him and he needs to get off his ass and go to rehab. I still got a restraining order but I couldn't seem to get him out of my life. I have such a codependency issue that I can't handle being alone so I kept talking to him. No, I would never ever let him come around my child again, but for my own sake, I felt I needed to see him. I almost feel like I'm as addicted to him as he is to drugs. So that being said, we went to dinner last night. He was probably the sweetest he has ever been to me. Telling me he was going to do what ever it took to get better and he would marry me one day. Still knowing I could never really be with him, I still fell for what he said and felt so comforted and loved. Then this morning I talked to him for 2 hours crying and telling him how much I want him to get help so he can live the life he deserves. Again he tells me how I'm the only person he can come to and he knows what he needs to do. Well why after 5 minutes of having such a heartfelt conversation, do I catch him in his truck smoking oxycontin? Well that's what he claims anyway, but I once saw his website history on his computer and it showed searches for "how to scrape heroin resin out of a pipe". He claimed he just watched a documentary on it and was interested in the topic. Why did I stay knowing he was lying? Why did I go back after he hurt me? Why do I still feel so much love and pain for him when he doesn't even care about himself or me? Seeing him with my own eyes doing drugs seriously felt like I walked in on him cheating. My heart just stopped and I felt like I was going to throw up. Luckily this time around when I called him mom she said he will be in a hospital within the next 24 hours and she will be sure of it. But what about me? What do I do with myself? My parents aren't there for me, they just yell at me for being stupid. My friends are great to talk to but it's not changing the pain I have and the feeling of wanting to die. I called probably 4 different treatment centers for codependency and all of them are like $10,000-$15,000 and don't accept insurance. Not that I even have any. So apparently only rich people can get the help they need. I found a group meeting but it's all about God and praying. I am not against God, I love God. I just know that I've tried that approach and unfortunately it goes beyond praying for me. I need serious help and I can't find anyone to help me. If any of you out there have experienced anything like this or know of a low cost treatment plan for me, please please please respond. I'm so miserable in my own skin right now, I don't know what to do. Thank you.
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