Sad & Angry: Miss my HSV-2 Infected Wief

Hi, I am married to an extraordinary woman -- she is beautiful inside and out, a yogi, healer, so uplifting and kind. Though our relationship has been entirely monogamous, of this I am entirely certain, she was given a visual diagnosis of HSV-2, followed by a lab diagnosis, a little more than a year ago. It was a complete shock to us both. Though I've had very few sexual partners, I have routinely had myself tested for the gamut. My tests have always come back completely clean, even for HSV 1 and 2, and all subsequent tests -- the last conducted about two months ago -- are also clean. (I've had them run every possible HSV test on me). I just don't have it. She does.

She has had extremely frequent -- as in, almost monthly -- outbreaks. It has greatly reduced out ability to have sex. As she is a very health-conscious person -- organic food, essential oils, no pharmacies, etc. -- she will not take Valtrex or other prescription meds to relieve symptoms, and nothing else has really seemed to work. So for weeks at a time, we're not having sex. Not long after her diagnosis, and despite my clean bill of health, she abruptly put a ban on oral sex, giving or receiving, so there's no intimacy in that fashion either.

I am trying to be loving, patient, and supportive through all of this. My wife is a truly amazing woman, but the sexual component of our relationship was always a very meaningful one -- a soulful, spiritual, joyful way to connect -- and its absence is an ongoing challenge for me.

Sexually, I feel completely neutered; I cannot be the sexual aggressor or initiator. I have to constantly wait to see if she's "available." (I know this is deeply frustrating for her too). I'm feeling diminished as a man, both by way of expressing myself to her and by way of receiving pleasure from her. (If she's having an outbreak, then we're both simply out of luck).

Emotionally, I'm having a really hard time with this. I miss the emotional closeness that a loving sexual relationship offers. Additionally, we would very much like to have a child together, but would really like to have a home birth (as she did with her first child); herpes can exponentially reduce the possibilities of a home birth, and can even complicate pregnancy and delivery from all the research we've done.

What's more, I'm very angry about having to deal with this. She has often reflected on her free and expressive younger days, and the ways she has played and enjoyed herself in the past. I feel like I'm now stuck with the bill -- and the brick walls; the outbreaks, more specifically -- of someone else's good time. I'm the clean-up guy. It drives me crazy having to hear about her past or know that she even occasionally, strictly platonically, speaks to ex-boyfriends. I feel absolutely stuck in someone else's mess, deprived now for a good time once had. I know this is wrong-thinking, but I feel like I cannot connect with my wife in a very meaningful way. (Of couse, it's not nearly the only way, but it is an important one).

I guess my question is two-fold: 1) anyone have any ideas about how to emotionally work through these issues and grow a greater intimacy and bond with my wife? and 2) is it safe to have oral sex if one partner has HSV-2, what other sexual ways have you found to connect with your partner when only one of you is infected, what all-natural ways have you found to possibly relieve HSV-2 symptoms?

I am sad. I am angry. I am disappointed, even, in the ways I am handling this situation. I miss the freedom and the romance and the clarity and connectedness our relationship once had, and am determined and devoted to work things out. I appreciate your input and insight, most truly.