Tracey, response to your message...

Hi, Tracey! Thanks so much for your reply! I didn't expect you'd be able to look into my stuff. I know you're so busy! So that was a great surprise! Lots to say.....

Ya know sometimes I think I must have some Gemini somewhere cause I go back and forth a lot, then again, don't know a whole lot about astrology. But the Sagittarius thing is totally relating........and I feel like a LOSER!!! hahahahahahha Ah, it's good to laugh at yourself!

Seriously, though, since these posts I am feeling so stressed. I think I'm exhausted and it's freaking me out again. Everything feels like work. Not much fun. Lots of responsibility. Work, then make dinner while watching kids, bathe them, put them to bed, hubby works at night, alone a lot, work all night till I collapse! bleh!

I have so many questions! Am I asking too much of my body right now? I'm definitely not pursuing enough personal interest right now. And I just feel so TRAPPED. Trapped by circumstance, trapped by lack of funds. For example, I'd love to get some alternative therapies but I just can't afford them....and I haven't been able to for many months. I haven't even been able to get them started. OK, I'm in a complaining mood!

But all of this is very new to my whole life perspective. I can see incorporating all kinds of therapies and self-expression one day. You know that phrase 'jack-of-all trades, master-of-none', well I've been realizing that I could have a lot of interests and my phrase may just be 'jack-of-all trades is my master!'. Related to the Pluto/north node. And remember how I told you I've been searching for my life passion as more of a career but I'm seeing how this may have been so difficult cause it's not so concrete like being a lawyer, teacher, etc. Maybe some sort of healer so I'm just jumping into massage therapy. I won't be ready to practice till next fall but I've already gotten started with classes.

Regardless of that huge step towards a more fulfilling career, I feel stressed right now! And no, my Chiron is still lingering. Or I'm feeling the shadows. I've had a couple more episodes related. Remember how you said something about Aries in my chart? The other day it popped in my head "I just have a hot temper" with particular issues, mainly parenting-that Chiron again. I am very laid back except with this one area and it's been controlling me lately! I will just call it rage! ANd it makes me so sad! Why can't I just let go of it? Why does it/she(inner child) feel so threatened? Why is it so active? I feel like I'm just hurting myself emotionally over and over again, as if I have no control. It's like I have so much insight and wisdom yet I'm being held hostage or something. THat's a very good description.
I'm working on this best I can. Maybe it is too early to think her pain is truly healed. She was held in denial for many, many years and maybe she just hasn't expressed her anger about it enough. Problem is I don't want her hurting anyone anymore. So I'm exploring ways for her to feel heard and validated. Related to challenge of Blue Monkey and right now I'm in the shadow....big time! Any comments, which I'm sure you'll share, are appreciated.

Ya know, Tracey, this is related to shadow of Red Dragon. When I read the shadow description, I resonated with so much!!! Distrust.....you say I have to transform to trust. Check this out, been realizing since meeting you how I had a profound feeling of distrust from very early age. I didn't see it at first, but "I" see how from a very early age I have had major life events reinforce the message that I didn't get what I needed. And I think a lot of this is at a very fundamental, almost unconscious level. Or at least it's affected me such. Hmmm, there's a lot of conflict going on. Like it's on another plane and I'm rallying against it to change but I've been sucked into the shadow of it. The now me sees what's happening yet I still feel at it's mercy. So I guess that's a big thing I'm trying to transform? There's so much here....

I am so ready to transcend this stuff! I haven't had a true feeling of peace with the world in a while and I miss it! I know I will...I do have faith. It's just scary in the trenches and I feel guilty that I can't react in a more positive way.

Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
Ok, now that I've spilled my guts, again, I'll go! haha!

Love,
Lori

P.S. did you see my two dreams lately - this week? They were about me being rejected by a romantic interest, basically.