Marriage in Islam

Al-Hamdu-Lillaahi Rabbil-'Aalameen was-Salaatu was-Salaamu 'alaa Ashrafil-Anbiyaa.e wal-Mursaleen, wa ba'd:
As-Salaamu alaikum wa Rahmatullaah



Interfaith Marriages

Children have the right to be brought up in an Islamic environment by good Muslim parents. So Muslim men in the West should think carefully before marrying outside the faith.

Muslim men and women are told to seek faithful spouses with a strong, good belief, and not allow non-Muslim standards of selection influence them. Muslim men can marry only Muslim, Christian, or Jewish chaste women, while Muslim women can marry only chaste Muslim men.

Allah (s.w.t.) said:

This day are (all) good things made lawful for you. The food of those who have received the Scripture is lawful for you, and your food is lawful for them. And so are the virtuous women of the believers and the virtuous women of those who have received the Scripture before you (lawful for you) when you give them their marriage portions and live with them in honor, not in fornication, nor taking them as secret concubines. Whoso denies the faith, his work is vain and he will be among the losers in the Hereafter. [Qur'an: Al-Ma'idah (5:5)].

A Muslim man is discouraged from marrying a non-Muslim woman if there is no Islamic State or if he is not living in an existing Islamic state, since the non-Islamic states do not recognize his rights as head of the family to raise the children Islamically. On the contrary, the children will most likely be brought up in their mother's religion, since the Muslim husband does not have his Islamic rights in his non-Muslim wife's country.

There are many tragic examples of Muslim men who tried to take their children to their Muslim countries after they divorced non-Muslim wives. The women in many of these cases succeeded in bringing the children back to be raised in the non-Islamic societies as non-Muslims. The fathers are referred to as kidnappers (of their own children) in the non-Islamic media. Unfortunately, even the governments in Muslim countries these days help the non-Muslim wives to get custody of the children. This is due to the absence of an Islamic state, which would protect Muslim children from being kidnapped by non-Muslim wives to be raised as non-Muslims.

Muslim men should consider these issues before they marry non-Muslim women, especially when the man is strongly influenced by her physical appearance. A Muslim man should look to the future and consider his duties toward his children. The cases mentioned show clearly the damage that can be done to children in interfaith marriages, and while a personal sin may be easy to forget and repent from, one may never overcome the problems that arise because his children were raised as non-Muslims as a result of his negligence concerning providing the right spouse and community for them. Children have the right to be brought up in an Islamic environment by good Muslim parents.

The benefits of marrying a non-Muslim woman are minimal when both live in a non-Islamic state. The woman and her relatives would not see how Muslims live as a community, nor would they have close contact with family, should the Muslim man decide to marry her and live outside the Islamic State. Marrying a chaste Christian or Jewish woman in a non-Islamic state should be considered as a last resort and as the only alternative to keep him from falling into adultery. Men, however, should be aware of the fact that most women in non-Islamic societies do not qualify as chaste women in Islam, (i.e. abstention from unlawful sexual activities). Some Muslim men ignore these conditions and ignore the commands of Allah when they are misled and fooled by a smile from a non-Muslim woman.

Abdullah Ibn `Abbas, a famous companion of the Prophet (s.a.w.) and a famous scholar, said that Muslim men should not marry Christian or Jewish women from people who are enemies of Islam.

Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradhawi, a contemporary Muslim scholar, said that the Christian or Jewish women can be married only if the four conditions summarized below are satisfied:

She must be Kitabiyyah, i.e. Christian or Jewish by faith, and not by virtue of birth into a Christian or Jewish family. Many women who live in Christian or Jewish societies today are atheists, Buddhists or Bahai's. These women are prohibited for Muslim men. A woman who commits apostasy, by becoming a non-Muslim after being a Muslim, would not be allowed to marry a Muslim man, since apostasy is much worse than unbelief.

She must be Muhsanah, which means chaste and virtuous. Women who are involved in illicit relationships with men are prohibited for Muslim men. Most non-Muslim women these days do not qualify as Muhsanat (chaste and virtuous women who abstain from sexual activities outside marriage), and Muslim men should fear Allah and keep this condition in mind.

The woman should not be from people who are fighting Islam or are helping others to fight Islam.

There should be no threat or possible harm from marrying her. For example, if a man's children would not be raised as Muslims, he should not marry her. If the courts in a non-Islamic society would give the children to her in the case of divorce, then he cannot marry her, unless she agrees that he would have the children in the case of divorce.

Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradhawi also said that Muslim men may not marry Christian or Jewish women if the Muslim community is a small minority in a huge non-Muslim society, and such marriages would make it impossible for Muslim women to find Muslim men to marry. This is classified under "limiting the allowed" in the Islamic jurisprudence. Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradhawi used the example that if all people grew cotton instead of wheat, the government would have the right to stop them from doing so, since wheat is a necessary food ingredient, even though growing cotton is allowed in normal cases.

Non-Muslim women who repent and accept Islam are treated as any other Muslim if their acceptance of Islam is sincere and not merely for the purpose of marrying Muslim men. Islam forgives all that was before it. Some people, however, accept Islam by name only to marry a Muslim, without showing the least change in their lifestyles to prove that they are following Islam. One should not marry from such people.

There are many Muslim girls of a marriageable age who are living in non-Islamic countries, and it is the duty of the Muslim men to protect these girls from marrying non-Muslim men, which is absolutely prohibited in Islam. If Muslim men loosely practice their right to marry Christian or Jewish women, the Muslims girls in non-Islamic societies will be forced into unwanted circumstances and Muslim men will be at least partially responsible and will get their share of the punishment from Allah.

In considering marriage to a non-Muslim woman a man should remember that marriage is more than the private marital relationship. A good Muslim woman would provide her husband with total security, comfort, trust, tranquility, and happiness, and would raise the children as good Muslims. A man would not have to see his children taken to a church every Sunday without being able to prevent it or live with the concern that his wife would teach his children un-Islamic traditions. It is much easier to trust a Muslim woman than to trust a non-Muslim woman who does not fear Allah, and know that He is watching her all the time. And certainly a woman who does not fear Allah, who sees and knows everything, will not fear or obey her husband who is only home in the evenings.

Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w.) said:

A woman is chosen as a wife for her wealth, beauty, family, and faith. Win the one that has the faith or you would ruin your life. (Bukhari and Muslim).

The following verse from the Qur'an beautifully gives us the guidelines for selecting the right wife:

Allah (s.w.t.) said:

Do not marry unbelieving women until they believe; a slave woman who believes is better than a free woman who does not believe, even though the latter may appear very attractive to you. Al-Qur'an: Al-Baqarah (2:221)



Nikah - Choice

Islam is a complete code of life, which is the single formula that will bring us bliss and joy in this world and the eternal life of the hereafter. It is the system designed by our creator, Allah Ta'ala who alone has complete and perfect knowledge of the intricacies of human nature. On no issue of importance to our daily life is the Shari'ah silent. Every aspect has been addressed where we have been given such guidelines that are simple yet all encompassing. The critical juncture of Nikah has also been graced with these beautiful guidelines.

The choice of your partner in marriage is absolutely crucial since your entire future and that of your offspring rests on it. We have been given such beautiful guidelines in this matter, which are sure to bring great joy, if only we could subject ourselves to it. The brevity of this article does not allow us to discuss the wealth of information on this subject. However, we will suffice with just two Ahaadith.

THE CHOSEN BRIDE

The first of these Ahaadith contains guidelines for the prospective groom. Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, "Generally four aspects are considered in a woman when choosing her for marriage. These are her wealth, social standing, beauty and Islamic character and piety. Become successful by giving preference to her Islamic Character and piety". (Mishkat).

When one realizes that marriage constitutes a situation where the problems of daily life as well as the burden of domestic and social responsibilities have to be faced with ones partner, then the wisdom of the grounds of preference becomes very clear. To a very large extent the very Deeni character and Jannat of the coming generation is influenced by the mother.

While the beauty of a woman is important to the level that there should be some natural inclination, making this the basis, as is so often done nowadays, is the height of foolishness. It must be realized that once the attraction wears off, it is the personality you will have to live with.

Only the fear of Allah Ta'ala will create within a woman the spirit to give preference to her husband and children over herself. For a woman of piety looks at the gains of Aakhirat, not the small sacrifices of this world.

THE CHOSEN GROOM

We can well appreciate the vital need for having a wife of Islamic stature especially in the modern and permissive society in which we live where women are subjected to such propaganda that is coldly calculated to strip her of any decency or desire to be a submissive wife and loving mother.

The second Hadith deals with the guidelines given to a prospective bride and her family. Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, "When an offer of marriage is received from a person whose piety and character pleases you then accept this proposal. If you do not do so, then great Fitnah (mischief) will spread on the earth" (Mishkat).

Here too we find parents generally basing their selection upon the wealth and social standing of the groom, while scant attention is paid to his Deeni character. Aside from the disastrous and far-reaching consequences with regard to the Aakhirat of our daughter and grandchildren, we often find ourselves having to come to terms with the disastrous domestic situation of our daughter. Wife bashing, neglect, coming home at ungodly hours, infidelity are just some of the vast spectrum of heart-breaking problems our daughters are faced with. Surely a preference of Deeni character would have given us the inner peace of heart that all these problems had been avoided.
This would be coupled with a warm sense of satisfaction achieved by the wonderful sight of the Islamic nurturing and development of our grandchildren before our very eyes. The fruits of this can never be matched by all the treasures of this material world put together.

Consider just one incident from the lives of Sahaaba (Radhiyallaahu
Anhum), where their abstinence from the wealth of this world is clearly exhibited:

Thaabit Bunaani reports that Yazid bin Muawiya (The ruler of that time) sent a proposal for the daughter of Abu Darda (Radhiyallaahu Anhu). The proposal was rejected. One of the members of Yazid's court gave him Dua and requested permission to send a proposal for himself. The permission was grudgingly given. This person thereafter sent a proposal, which was duly accepted. This created quite a buzz amongst the people who could not fathom why the rulers' proposal had been rejected while that of a lowly courtier had been received favorably.

Abu Darda (Radhiyallaahu Anhu) explained his action likewise, "I looked towards my daughter and imagined the day when eunichs
(Court servants) would be at her back and call and she would be surrounded by wealth and people. Where would her Deen (Desire for Aakhirat and abstinence from this world) be in those days?" (Ahmad, Hilyah).


The ruling of seeking approval of the woman for her marriage

The conditions in which a woman is married, then she will be in one condition from amongst these three conditions:

1. Either she will be a young virgin girl who has not reached the age of puberty and who has never been married.
2. Or she will be a virgin who has reached the age of puberty who has never been married.
3. Or she will be one who has been married before.

And for each is a separate ruling.

1. About a young virgin girl who has not yet attained the age of puberty then there is no ikhtilaaf (difference) among the scholars that the father has the right to get her married without her permission, because there is no meaning in asking of the permission from a young child.

Abu Bakr (may Allah be pleased with him) married his daughter Aaisha (may Allah be pleased with her) to the Messenger (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) when she was just six years old and he (may Allah be pleased with him) sent her to the Prophet (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) when she was 9 years old. (Narrated by Imaam Bukhari and Muslim)

Imam Shawkaanee (may Allah have mercy on him) said in Nainul Awtaar v.6 p.128-129: “The mentioned hadeeth is a proof that a father has full authority to marry his daughter who has not reached the age of puberty without her permission.” And he also writes, “This hadeeth also proves that a young girl can be married to an older man. Imaam Bukhari (may Allah have mercy on him) has named a chapter in his saheeh on this same issue, and under this chapter he narrated the same hadeeth about Aaisha (may Allah be pleased with her). Haffidh ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) has related an ijmaa’ (agreement) (of the scholars) in his book Fathhul Baari about this issue.”

Allamah ibn Qudaamah (may Allah have mercy on him) writes in al-Mughni that allamah ibn Mundir states that all of the people of knowledge from whom we have taken knowledge have an ijmaa’ (agreement) on this issue that a father can marry his young daughter who has not yet reached the age of puberty ( without her consent ) on the condition that he has kept in mind the suitability and compatibility of the marriage.

I (i.e Shaykh Fawzaan) say, that marrying Aaisha to Messenger by Abu Bakr (may Allah be pleased with him) at the age when she was just six is a refutation upon those people who deny or dislike the marraying of young girls to older men. And on the basis of ignorance of the Book and the Sunnah they try to portray it in as something evil and wrong.

2. About a virgin girl or woman who has attained the age of puberty, she cannot be married off except with her approval, and her silence will be considered as approval, because of saying of the messenger: “A virgin girl cannot be married except with her permission.” So it was said, “and how is her approval?” he (saw) said: “ her silence.” (Bukhari & Muslim). Accordingly with the people of knowledge it is agreed that it is necessary to ask for permission from a woman who has reached the age of puberty, even if the one who is marrying her off is her own father.

Allahmah ibnul Qayyim (may Allah have mercy on him) says in al-Hudaa an-Nabawi v.5 p.96: “The majority of the salaf and Imaam Abu Haneefah and Imaam Ahmad (may Allah have mercy on all of them) have the same saying according to one narration, and this is what is preferred.” because this is what coincides with the commands and prohibitions of the Messenger of Allah (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him).

3. About a woman who has been previously married, the same ruling applies that her approval is necessary for her to be married but the difference is that her approval must be explicit and clear in words “yes” or “no” as against a virgin girl or woman whose silence will be considered as a “yes”. It is mentioned in al-Mughni v.6 p.493, “We do not know of any ikhtilaaf (diffence) among the people of knowledge in this issue, that the woman who has already been married must express her consent in explicit words because there are clear ahaadeeth and also because the tongue brings out what is in the heart, and this has come in everyplace where an approval is needed."

Shaykhul Islaam ibn Taymiyyah (may Allah have mercy on him) says in Majmoo’ al-Fataawaa v.32 p.39-40, “No person has the right that he gets a woman married without her permission. This is what has been taught by the Messenger of Allah (saw). If a woman does not want to marry any person she cannot be coerced into marrying him, but a young girl who has not reached the age of puberty can be married by her father without her consent. But one who was already married cannot be married off without her permission; not by her father and not by other than him, and the Muslims have united upon this. Similarly a virgin girl or woman who has attained the age of puberty cannot be married off without her consent except by her father or grandfather. There is an agreement of Muslims on this as well. And the father and grandfather should also seek her approval. But there is a difference of opinion about this hukm (command) whether it is waajib (mandatory) or mustahab (preferable). And the correct saying is that to seek her consent is waajib (mandatory) on both of them as well. The one in authority (i.e. the father) when taking in account the man whom he is marring his daughter to must consider the fear of Allah and Taqwa as it is a must to take into consideration if that person will be compatible with his daughter. He must keep in mind the benefits that her daughter will achieve and marrying her off because of them. And he must be careful not to marry her off because of personal benefits that he may receive.”



How should an Islamic wedding party be...

With regard to having a wedding party in the Islamic manner, one should keep away from the things which are forbidden in sharee’ah but which many people do not pay attention to during celebrations, such as the following:

With regard to the woman: going to a male, non-mahram hairdresser to have her hair done; or adorning herself in ways that are haraam, such as thinning the eyebrows by plucking them, or wearing tattoos, or wearing hair extensions, or other kinds of haraam things, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) cursed the one who plucks eyebrows and the one who has that done, the one who adds hair extensions and the one who asks to have that done; imitating the kuffaar in their dress, because usually the wedding dress shows many of the woman's charms and her body, in such a way that the dress is very revealing - we seek refuge with Allaah – and also a great deal of money is wasted on the dress.

Among the haraam actions that have to do with the man are: shaving his beard for the wedding night, which is done on the grounds that this makes him look more handsome, but this is something which is haraam according to sharee’ah; letting one's clothes hang below the ankle (isbaal).

There follows a list of haraam things which both men and women should avoid in the wedding party:

1- Mixing of men with women, and things that are involved in that, such as greeting and shaking hands with one another, and men and women dancing together, because all of that is haraam and is a very serious matter.

2- Taking pictures, whether men do that amongst themselves or women do that amongst themselves.

3- Drinking alcohol or eating pork.

4- Letting the husband come in to where the women are in order to take his wife.

5- Women wearing revealing, tight or short clothes amongst themselves, because this is haraam – so how about wearing such things in front of men?

6- People should avoid spending extravagantly or going to extremes in showing off in wedding parties, because that may wipe out the blessing.

7- The husband and wife exchanging rings and thus imitating the kuffaar, thinking that this will increase the husband’s love for his wife and vice versa.

Finally, both partners should know that the more the teachings of Islam are followed in the wedding party, the more blessed their marriage will be, the more love and harmony there will be between them, and the less problems they will encounter in their married life.

For if the married life is based from the outset on haraam things which go against the commands of Allaah, how can they expect the marriage to be successful after that?

There have been many marriages in which there were things that went against the commands of Allaah, and they did not last.

Fear Allaah with regard to this party and keep it free of things that are forbidden in Islam




Effect of a Sound Marriage: Rights of the Husband and Wife
• The importance of meeting the spouse's rights in a marriage.
• The rights of the wife over the husband.
• The rights of the husband over the wife.
Introduction
The first thing that every married Muslim must realize is that one's spouse is first and foremost another Muslim. He/she is one's brother and sister in Islam. Therefore, at minimum all rights that fall upon a Muslim due to the general brotherhood of Islam are also due to one's spouse. It is a sad situation for a Muslim brother or sister to respect their Muslim brothers and sisters outside of the house but for the situation in the house to degenerate into less even than that minimum standard of respect and kindness inside the household. Therefore the first step is for every Muslim to open some of the books about respect, manners (adab) and couresty towards other Muslims and to realize that all of those principles apply to their partner in their house. The Prophet (sas) stressed this when he said:'
"Laa yu'minu ahadukum hattaa yuhibbu li akheehi ma yuhibbu li nafsihi."
"No one of you has believed until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." Bukhari & Muslim
Clearly, husband and wife have even greater rights and obligations toward each other due to the great and important contract which ha been transacted between them and on which basis they live together. In the Qur'an, Allah states that if a husband wishes to divorce one wife and marry another that he may not take back any of the dowry which was given no matter how large it was. Then, Allah says:
{Wa kaifa ta'khudhoonahu wa qad afdhaa ba'dhukum ilaa ba'dhin wa adhadhna minkum meethaaqan ghaleedhan.}
{How could you take it once you have entered unto one another and they (the women) have taken from you and awesome covenant.} An-Nisaa:21
Because of this "awesome covenant", rights and obligations between husband and wife should not be looked at coldly or legalistically. Spouses should strive to make other happy and take into consideration the needs, abilities and weaknesses of the other. Since in most cases, neither spouse is completely fulfilling their obligations, they should both realize and acknowledge their own shortcomings.
The Prophet (sas) in particular advised the husbands to treat their wives in the best way - perhaps due to their greater authority in the household and their greater strength. This is clear in the following hadith:
"Khairukum khairukum li ahlihi wa anaa khairukum li ahliy."
"The best of you is the best of you to their family and I am the best of you to my family."
"Istawsoo bi an-nisaa'i khairan fa innahunna khuliqa min dhila'in wa inna a'waja shai'in fiy adh-dhila'i a'laahu fa in dhahabta tuqeemuhu kasartahu wa in taraktahu lam yazal a'waja fastawsoo bi an-nisaa'i khairan."
"I entreat you to treat women well for they have been created from a rib and the most crooked part of a rib is the upper part. If you insist on straightening it, you will break it. If you leave it, it will remain crooked. So, I entreat you to treat women well." Bukhari
Actually, both spouses usually fail to some extent in fulfilling their obligations. Therefore, before criticizing the other or being harsh with the other due to some shortcoming, each one should look first to themselves and realize what wrong they may be doing.
Common Rights Between the Two
There are some rights which each of the two spouses has over the other. These include:
1. The right to enjoy each other.
2. The right to inherit from each other.
3. The right of confirmation of the lineage of their children.
Rights of the Wife/Obligations of the Husband
Allah said in the Qur'an:
{Wa lahunna mithlu alladhiy 'alaihinna bi al-ma'roofi}
{And for them (women) similar to what is upon them according to what is right.} Al-Baqarah:228
Commenting on this verse, Ibn Katheer wrote that the spouses have similar rights upon one another and each must do his or her best to fulfill the other's rights. In the Farewell Pilgrimage, the Prophet (sas), stated:
"...wa ittaqoo Allaha fiy an-nisaa'i. Fa innakum akhadhtumuhunna bi amaani Allahi wa istahlaltum furoojahunna bi kalimati Allahi wa lakum 'alaihinna alla yooti'na furushakum ahadan takrahoonahu fa in fa'alna dhalika fadhriboohunna dharban ghaira mubarrihin wa lahunna 'alaikum rizquhunna wa kiswatuhunna bi al-ma'roofi."
"...And beware of Allah concerning women. You have taken them as a trust from Allah and have made their bodies lawful to you by the word of Allah. You have the right upon them that they no allow anyone in your house that you dislike. If they do that, you may hit them in a way which does no harm. They have a right over you for sustenance and clothing according to what is right." Muslim
The rights of the wife over the husband which we will discuss in this chapter are as follows:
1. The dowry
2. Support
3. Kind and proper treatment
4. Marital relations
5. Not to be beaten
6. Privacy
7. Justice between multiple wives
8. To be taught her religion
9. Defense of her honor
The rights of the husband over the wife which we will discuss are:
1. Being head of the household
2. To be obeyed in all that is not disobedience to Allah
3. Marital relations
4. That she not allow anyone in the house of whom he disapproves
5. That she not leave the house without his permission
6. That she cook for him and keep his house (two opinions)
7. To be thanked for his efforts
8. That she now fast a voluntary fast without his permission
Rights of the Wife Over the Husband
Dowry (Mahr)
This right of the wife has been discussed in some detail. Allah said in the Qur'an:
{Wa aatoo an-nisaa'a saduqaatihinna nihlatan. Fa in tibna lakum 'an shai'in minhu nafsan fa kuloohu hanee'an maree'an.}
{And give women their dowries as a gift. Then, if they are pleased to give some of it to you, consume it with good health and enjoyment.} An-Nisaa:4
The payment of the dowry to the wife is an obligation and a debt upon the husband until he pays it and there is no escaping it unless the wife freely and willingly gives up her right to it. In the past, and in many cases today, the father tries to take the mahr away from his daughter. In the jahiliya, this was justified by saying that the father was merely recouping all the expenses he put forth for his daughter who is now a member of another family and benefits them.
Nowadays, it occurs often in this country that the husband tries to take back the dowry (if it is even paid in the first place) or make use of it in forms of spending which were obligatory upon HIM in the first place. This is a lowly practice and is completely forbidden unless she explicitly allows it without any coercion or pressure. Otherwise, it is HER property and she may dispose of it (or not) as she alone sees fit.
Support (Nafaqah)
Allah says:
{...Wa 'alaa al-mauloodi lahu rizquhunna wa kiswatuhunna bi al-ma'roofi laa tukallafu nafsun illa wus'ahaa...}
{...And upon the father is the mother's sustenance and her clothing according to what is reasonable. No person shall have a burden on him greater than he can bear...} Al-Baqara:233
Her support is one of the most important rights of the wife over her husband. Ibn Katheer commented that the above verse implies that he must provide for her without extravagance nor the opposite, according to his ability and the standards set by his society at his time. When the Prophet (sas) was asked by a man, "What is the right of our wives upon us?", he (sas) answered:
"An yut'imahaa idha ta'ima wa an yaksoohaa idhaa iktasaa wa laa yadhribi al-wajhi wa laa yuqabbih wa laa yahjur illa fiy al-baiti."
"That he should feed her whenever he eats and cloth her whenever he clothes himself, that he not hit her face, that he not call her ugly and that he not boycott her except within the house." Ibn Majah
A woman is even allowed to take from her husband's property without his knowledge if he falls below this basic level of supporting her. In a hadith recorded in Muslim and Bukhari, the Prophet (sas) told Hind bint Utbah, after she complained that her husband, Abu Sufyan, was stingy and was not maintaining her and she asked if she could take from his property without his knowledge:
"Khudhiy maa yakfeeka wa waladaki bi al-ma'roofi"
"Take was is sufficient for you and your child according to what is customary." Muslim & Bukhari
Support of one's wife is one of the most important obligations of the husband. It is one of the distinguishing aspects of "husband hood". Allah said in the Qur'an:
{Ar-rijaalu qawwaamoona 'alaa an-nisaa'i bimaa fadh-dhala Allahu ba'dhahum 'alaa ba'dhin wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim...}
{Men are in charge of women because of what Allah has given to some more than others and because they support them from their property.} An-Nisaa:34
If a husband does not support his wife, she has no obligation to fulfill her obligations to him. If a woman goes to a judge and shows that her husband will not support her, the judge may immediately separate them according to numerous scholars.
The verse makes clear that the man being "in charge" goes back to the two causes mentioned. This means two things:
1) both men and women need to be aware of this right and this obligation and that the woman is under no obligation to stay in the marriage if she is not supported - regardless of his wealth and hers and
2) Muslim society must be organized in such a way that Muslim men are able to get the means to support a wife.
This second point is critical. If society reaches a state where women are more able to earn a living than men, this will undermine the "in charge" status of many men in their households. It wil in fact undermine the Islamic household altogether. This is what is happening in virtually every Muslim land today with U.N. and other organizations giving primary attention to helping women to be economically viable and independent even when a large percentage of the men still cannot find the means to support a family. (It is the same destruction they inflicted on families in the U.S. in the 50's 60's with the welfare system.) The corrupting influence this will have on society as a whole cannot even begin to be described.
Women are absolutely ALLOWED in Islam to pursue business ventures (the Prophet's first wife Khadija was a major business woman in Makka), employment and other means of earning money. They are, in fact, needed in various sectors such as women doctors and women teachers. However, facilitating the ability of men to earn a living and support a family is the FIRST priority in an Islamic society. All economic planning and social/economic programs must be in line with this principal.
Kind and Proper Treatment
Allah says:
{...Wa 'aashiroohunna bi al-ma'roofi fa in karihtumoohunna ta 'asaa an takrahoo shai'an wa yaj'ala Allahu feehi khairan katheeran.}
{...And consort with your wives in a goodly manner for, if you dislike them, it may well be that you dislike something which Allah makes a source of abundant good.} An-Nisaa:19
Commenting on this verse, Ibn Katheer wrote:
"That is, have kind speech for them, deal with them with kind deeds and in a beautiful manner to the best of your ability. In the way that you love that from them, behave in that way towards them. As Allah has said, "They have rights similar to those upon them according to what is right" (Al-Baqarah:228). The Messenger of Allah (sas) said: "The best of you is the best of you to his wives and I am the best of you to my wife." It was from his behavior that he would treat them in a beautiful fashion, with a smiling face. He would sport with his wives, be gentle with them and spend generously upon them. He would laugh with his wives and he even raced Aisha... Every night, he would gather his wives together in the house of the one with whom he (sas) was going to spend the night and eat dinner with them on occasion... After he prayed the night prayer, he would enter his house and talk to his wife a little bit before sleeping, making them comforted thereby. And Allah has said: {You have in the Messenger of Allah the best example.}"
Part of the problem is Muslims buying into the fantasy world being propagated in television, movies and other media. The hadith about the rib makes it clear that it is rare to find a "perfect wife" and in the same manner, no woman should expect to find the "perfect husband". If one is living in some fantasy world, they are apt to be greatly disappointed with real life.
Physical Relations
In Sahih Ibn Hibban, the following was narrated:
"The wife of 'Uthman ibn Madh'oon complained to the Messenger of Allah (sas) that her husband had no need for women. During the days he would fast and at night he would pray. The Prophet (sas) asked him: "Am I not the best example for you to follow?" He answered: "Certainly, may my father and mother be sacrificed for you." The Prophet (sas) then told him: "As for you, you pray during the night and you fast during the day. Certainly, your wife has a right upon you and your body has a right upon you so pray and sleep and fast and break your fast."
There are several similar incidents narrated where Companions of the Prophet (sas) gave similar decisions in similar situations. In one story which took place in the presence of Umar, the Companion who was judging told the husband that since Allah had given him the right to four wives and he had only one that he could practice his praying and fasting three out of four nights, but that at least one in four had to be reserved for his wife.
Not to be Beaten
It is the right of the Muslim wife that she is not to be struck except in the case of nushooz (rebellion against the husband's authority). Even in that case, the husband is only allowed to "strike" her, but in a way which does no harm, similar to the proper disciplining of a child. It is never lawful for him to strike her face or cause her any bruise or injury. Allah says in the Qur'an:
{...Wa allaatiy takhaafoona nushoozahunna fa'idhoohunna wahjuroohunna fiy al-madhaaji'i wadhriboohunna fa in ata'nakum falaa tabghoo 'alaihinna sabeelan inna Allaha kaana 'aliyyan kabeeran.}
{...And (as for) those (women) from whom you anticipate rebellion, admonish them, avoid them in the sleeping place and hit them. If they obey you, do not desire and further way to (harm) them. Surely, Allah is Knowing, Great.} An-Nisaa:34
It is incomprehensible how so many translators have translated the word "wadhriboohunna" in the above verse as "beat them" or, even more laughable: "beat them [lightly]". This is wrong, wrong, wrong. It is an abomination which has caused much misunderstanding and opened the door to the enemies of Islam. The word in Arabic means to "strike" or "hit". It inludes everything from a tap with a tooth-stick to what in English we call beating. If it is stated that so-and-so "hit" so-and-so without further description, it would be assumed to be a single blow and it could be of any magnitude.
When the Prophet (sas) took a tiny stick and tapped one of the Muslims on the stomach to straighten the ranks in preparation for war, he "hit" him with this meaning. Contrast this to the English phrase: "beat them". The meaning is totally different. If you took a shoe lace and hit someone on the hand with it, you could properly say dharabtahu in Arabic but in English you could never say that you had "beaten" that person. Please get this straight and correct anyone you hear distorting the meaning of this verse in this way.
The verse mentions admonition, boycotting and hitting in the case of nushooz. This refers to a rebellion against the husband's authority within the marriage which amounts to a breach of the marriage contract on her part. Ibn Taimia said about this:
"Nushooz in the verse: {...And (as for) those (women) from whom you anticipate rebellion (nushooz)...} means that she is recalcritrant to her husband and she is estranged to him inasmuch as she does not obey him when he calls her to bed, or she leaves the house without his permission and other similar things in which she is required to obey him."
Many scholars have stated that the three steps must be taken sequentially, i.e, admonition then separation in sleeping and finally hitting, making hitting a last resort only in extreme situations. Thus the vast majority of whan men do to their wives in spontaneous fits of rage often over trivial issues is absolutely haraam and not sanctioned by Islam in any way. An-Nawawi said about his:
"At the first indication of disobedience to marital authority, a wife should be exhorted by her husband without his immediately breaking off relations with her. When she manifests her disobedience by an act which, although isolated, leaves no doubt to her intentions, he should repeat his exhortations and confine her to the house but without striking her... Only when there are repeated acts of disobedience may a husband strike his wife."
As we said, this can NEVER be a "beating". A husband is never allowed to strike his wife in any way which causes injury or leaves any kind of mark. The Prophet (sas) said:
"Fattaqoo Allaha fiy an-nisaa'i fa innakum akhadhtumoohunna bi amaani Allahi wa istahlaltum furoojahunna bi kalimati Allahi wa lakum 'alaihinna an laa yooti'na furushakum ahadan takrahoonahu fa in fa'alna dhaalika fadhriboohunna dharban ghaira mubarrihin wa lahunna 'alaikum rizquhunna wa kiswatuhunna bi al-ma'roofi."
"So beware of Allah regarding women for you have taken them as a trust from Allah and you have made their bodies lawful with the word of Allah. You have the right over them that they should not allow anyone on your furnishings who you dislike. If they do that, hit them in a way which causes no injury. And, they have the right over you to provision and clothing according to custom." Bukhari & Muslim
Privacy
It is actually the right of both spouses that the other not discuss their private moments with anyone else. Note the following sahih hadith:
"Is there any man among you who goes to his wife, closes the door behind them, covers themselves and conceal themselves by Allah's concealing?" They said: "Yes." He then said: "Then he sits after that [with others] and says, 'I did this and that.'" They were silent. He then turned to the women and said: "Do any of you talk about such things?" They, too, were silent. Then a young girl stood up on her toes so the Prophet (sas) could see her and hear her and she said: "O Messenger of Allah they [the men] certainly talk about that and they [the women] also talk about it." He (sas) said: "Do you know what they are like? They are like a female devil who met a male devil in the street and they satisfied their desires with the people looking on." Abu Daud (sahih)
Justice
If a man has more than one wife, he is required to do justice between them in terms of physical things (housing, clothing, food, etc.) and nights spent with each. Allah said:
{Wa lan tastatee'oo an ta'diloo baina an-nisaa'i wa lau harastum. Fa laa tameeloo kulla al-maili fa tadhharuhaa ka al-mu'allaqati. Wa in tuslihoo wa tattaqoo ta inna Allaha kaana ghafooran raheeman.}
{And you will not be able to effect justice between the women no matter how hard you try. So do not incline [toward some] completely such that you leave [another] as if suspended. And if you reform and fear Allah, surely Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.} An-Nisaa:129
The Prophet (sas) indicated that there are forms of justice which are required just as there are forms of justice which are beyond human ability. Those which are required are money, housing, cloting and the like as well as nights spent with her. Those beyond human ability are feelings of the heart and things like that. He (sas) said:
"Allahumma hadhaa qismiy feemaa amliku falaa talumniy feemaa tamliku wa laa amliku."
"O Allah, this is my division in what I control, so do not blame me regarding that which You control and I do not." Abu Daud (some graded it weak, others graded it hassan).
Also, the Prophet (sas) warned of the dangers of not fulfilling justice where it is required between wives, saying:
"Man kana lahu imra'taan fa maala ilaa ihdaahumaa jaa'a yauma al-qiyamati wa shiqquhu maa'ilun."
"Whoever has two wives and favors one of them will be resurrected on Qiyama with one of his sides hanging down." Abu Daud (sahih)
To Be Taught Her Religion
The Prophet (sas):
"Kullukum raa'in wa kullukum mas'oolun 'an ra'iyyatihi. Al-imaamu raa'in wa mas'oolun 'an ra'iyyatihi wa ar-rajulu raa'in tiy ahlihi wa huwa mas'oolun 'an ra'iyyatihi."
"All of you are shepherds and all of you will be asked about your wards. The ruler is a shepherd and shall be asked about his wards. The man is a shepherd of his family and will be asked about his ward." Bukhari
Knowledge in Islam is of two types: 1) that which is obligatory upon each and every Muslim and 2) that which must be learned by some among the Ummah. Of the first type, it is obligatory for every Muslim woman to know her beliefs, how to pray, how to fast, as well as issues particular to woman such as how to purify herself from her monthly course, etc. She must also know her obligations toward parents, her husband (and his obligations toward him), her children, her neighbors, etc. as well as her rights over each of those.
It is the obligation of the husband to make sure that she acquires all the knowledge which it is obligatory for her to acquire. If this means that he has to spend money on books or tapes, then he must do so. The scholars have emphasized the importance of this right of women to the extent that many of them have given her permission to leave the house to attend a lecture at the masjid even without her husband's permission.
It is well-known that the Prophet (sas) said that seeking knowledge is incumbent upon every Muslim mail and female. Allah said in the Qur'an:
{Yaa ayyuhaa alladhina aamanoo qoo anfusakum wa ahleekum naaran waqooduhaa an-naasu wa al-hijaaratu 'alaihaa malaa'ikatun ghilaadhun shidaadun la ya'soona Allaha maa amarahum wa yaf'aloona ma yu'maroona.}
{O you who believe guard yourselves and your family members from a fire whose fuel is people and stones. Over it are tough and fearsome angels. They do not disobey Allah in any order they carry out that which they are ordered to do.} At-Tahreem:6
Part of the meaning of this verse is that the husband/father (the "shepherd" of the household) must take all necessary means to ensure that all those under his guardianship (wives and children) have the opportunity and the means to acquire all the knowledge they need to worship Allah and live their lives as Allah has prescribed that we live our lives. If he has fulfilled that, then he has fulfilled his obligation and will not be asked about the sins of his wife and children. If he fails to fulfill this, then he himself will be asked about their sins and their going astray based on HIS shortcomings in not fulfilling his obligations in this regard.
In another version of the hadith about the "shepherds", the Prophet (sas) continues:
"...hattaa yus'ala ar-rajulu 'an ahli baitihi: a aqaama feehim shar'a Allahi am adhaa'a?"
"...until the man will be asked about the people in his household: did he establish among them the law of Allah or did he allow it to become lost?"
To Defend Her Honor
A man should be "jealous" with regard to his wife's honor and standing. He should defend her whenever she is slandered or spoken ill of behind her back. Actually, this is a right of every Muslim in general but a right of the spouse specifically. He should also be jealous in now allowing other men to look at his wife or speak with her in a manner which is not appropriate. The Prophet (sas) mentioned in a sahih hadith that "Three will never enter paradise... ad-dayyooth." Ad-dayyooth (sometimes translated "henpecked") is the weak husband who has no jealousy toward his wife and other men.
"Jealousy" in this sense means fervor for the boundaries of Allah and anger when they are transgressed. The Prophet (sas) said:
"Inna Allaha yughaaru wa inna al-mu'mina yughaaru wa ghairatu Allahi an ya'tiya al-mu'minu maa harrama 'alaihi."
"Verily, Allah has jealousy and the believer has jealousy. Allah's jealousy is due to a believer committing that which He has forbidden him." Muslim
This does not mean, however, that a Muslim should go overboard on this point suspecting his wife at every turn and trying to spy on her. This becomes Adh-dhann (suspicion) which the Prophet (sas) warned us about in the following hadith in Bukhari and Muslim:
"Iyyaakum wa adh-dhanna fa inna adh-dhanna akdhabu al-hadith."
"Stay away from suspicion for suspicion is the most lying of speech."
Rights of the Husband Over the Wife
In the this section, we will discuss the following rights of the husband over the wife or obligations of the wife toward her husband:
1. Being head of the household
2. To be obeyed
3. Physical relations
4. Control over who enters the house
5. Wife leaves the house only with his permission
6. Housework and being served by his wife (two opinions)
7. To be shown gratitude for his efforts
8. She does not fast (voluntary) except with his permission
Being the Head of the Household
When one thinks of the rights of the husband, this is probably one of the first things which comes to mind. However, a serious question must be asked: Is this a right of the husband or another right of the wife? Allah said:
{Ar-rijaalu qawwaamoona 'alaa an-nisaa'i bimaa fadh-dhala Allahu ba'dhahum 'alaa ba'dhin wa bimaa anfaqoo min amwaalihim. Fa as-saalihaatu qaanitaatun haafidhaatun lil ghaibi bimaa hafidha Allahu...}
{Men are in charge of women by that with which Allah has preferred some of them over others and by that which they spend from their property. So the pious women are obedient protecting in absence that which Allah has protected...} An-Nisaa:34
The verse seems to present a great right of the husband over the wife. Upon deeper thought, it is clear that this verse actually points to a right of the wife and an obligation of the husband. The word for "in charge of" in Arabic indicates also support, protection and responsibility on the part of the husband for his wife. This does not just mean that he is the "boss" or the dictator in the house and whatever he says goes. Rather, it means that he has a heavy obligation to lead his family. Remember the hadith from the previous section, where in one version of the hadith about the "shepherds", the Prophet (sas) continues:
"...hattaa yus'ala ar-rajulu 'an ahli baitihi: a aqaama feehim shar'a Allahi am adhaa'a?"
"...until the man will be asked about the people in his household: did he establish among them the law of Allah or did he allow it to become lost?"
Like any kind of leader or ruler, he will be held accountable before Allah Most High: did he make the decision that is most befitting for his family in this life and the hereafter or did he simply follow his desires? Did he do what was just and right or simply do what he liked to do?
In Allah's infinite wisdom, he did not leave the basic foundation of Islamic society - the family - without organization, leadership and guidance. It is clearly upon the husband's shoulders and is his responsibility. It is upon him to fulfill that responsibility in the correct manner.
Likewise, Muslim women must learn to accept this situation and this ruling of Allah Most High. They should resist becoming like the disbelieving women, particularly in the "West", who are trying to take over as head of the household or think that it should be shared equally between the two spouses. The rapid degeneration and disappearance of the institution of marriage since the spreading of this corrupt belief is the clearest proof of all that it is not only against Allah's order and His plan for us, but also against human nature and completely out of touch with reality and unworkable. I believe that the latest figures are that over HALF of the children in the U.S. are being raised in single-parent homes!
Women who follow the kuffar and their own desires in being jealous of the man's role and trying to claim some or all of it for themselves should think about the hadith of the Prophet (sas):
"La'ana rasoolu Allahi (sas) ar-rajulata min an-nisaa'i."
"Allah's Messenger (sas) cursed manly women."
Again, like all rights and obligations in Islam (in marriage and other areas), it is important that BOTH parties understand them and exert their best efforts to apply them in the way that is pleasing to Allah Most High.
To Be Obeyed
As we saw in the verse from An-Nisaa quoted previously, it is the right of the husband that his wife obey him. This obedience, however, does not include anything which is disobedience to Allah. The Prophet (sas) said:
"Laa taa'ata fiy ma'siyatin. Innamaa at-taa'atu fiy al-ma'roofi."
"No obedience in what is sinful. Obedience is only in what is right." Muslim & Bukhari
Two things are now clear: 1) a woman is obligated to obey her husband, and 2) no Muslim may obey anyone in what is disobedience to Allah. Additionally, one strong opinion limits the required obedience of the wife to those duties being described in this chapter. In other words, the husband should not seek to control every detail of her life, even in things which have no direct impact on his rights as her husband.
What happens if there is a conflict between obeying one's husband and obeying one's parents? Scholars have taken two opinions on this matter. One that obedience to the husband always takes precedence over obedience to parents. Others have taken the position that obedience to one's parents takes precedence since Allah has described being undutiful to one's parents as one of the greatest sins after associating partners with Allah.
First of all, it is clear that the obligation of every Muslim toward their parents is very great just as the obligation of a Muslim wife to respect and obey her husband is very great. Parents should be aware that they have entered their daughter into a contract which requires her to obey her husband. Likewise, husbands should be aware of the fact that their wives have a great obligation toward their parents. When these two come into conflict, someone is probably not acting properly.
When the two do come into conflict, it seems clear that the strongest opinion is that the rights of the husband take precedence over the rights of her parents, as in the following hadith from Aisha:
"I asked the Prophet (sas): Who has the greatest right over a woman? He (sas) said: Her husband. I said: And who has the greatest right over a man? He (sas) saiid: His mother." (Al-Haakim - taken from Fiqh As-Sunnah)
Physical Relations
It is the obligation of the wife to respond whenever her husband calls her to come to bed unless there is a strong reason why she cannot. Again, like in the issue of leadership, this is the way which Allah has given us to live which is best for us - since nothing we do or do not do cannot in any way harm or benefit Allah Most High. Thus, when women resist this and insist on being the ones who call the shots in this regard or that it is somehow 50/50, it is only the two of them who will suffer. It will lead to frustration, marital discord and the husband's desire to seek fulfillment of his needs elsewhere. If he ends up turning to the haram, then a very great harm indeed has been inflicted upon society. This point is clear from many hadith, among them:
"Idhaa ar-rajulu da'aa zaujatahu li haajatihi tal ta'tihi wa in kaanat 'alaa at-tannoor."
"Whenever a man calls his wife for his desire, let her come to him even if she is occupied at the oven." At-Tirmidhi (sahih)
Thus, a wife must be responsive to her husband even if that involves the wasting of some wealth (by burning the bread). Because the social consequences of this breaking down are so serious, so the danger to a woman who fails to respect it is very serious. The Prophet (sas) said:
"Idhaa da'aa ar-rajulu imra'tahu ilaa firaashihi fa abat an tajeepa la'anathaa al-malaa'ikatu hattaa tusbiha."
"Whenever a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses to come, the angels curse her until morning." Al-Bukhari
Even extra acts of prayer and fasting must be curtailed if that interferes with a man's desire for his wife's company.
Control Over Who Enters the House
It is established from many hadith that the wife is not to allow anyone inside if she knows that her husband does not like for that person to be in the house (male or female). This is the second right of the husband over the wife, as the Prophet (sas) mentioned in the hadith:
"...Wa laa ta'dhana fiy baitihi illa bi idhnihi..."
"...And that she should not admit anyone to his house except with his permission..." Muslim & Bukhari
The permission referred to here does not have to be explicit for every individual. If the wife knows or has good reason to believe that her husband would not object to a particular individual, then she may allow them into the house.
That She Not Leave the House Without His Permission
The best place for a Muslim woman is in her house. When Allah addressed the wives of the Prophet (sas) and ordered them (and, by extension, all of the Muslim women) to remain primarily in their homes, he associated the desire of women to be "out" and to display themselves with the jahiliya (the age of foolishness):
{Wa qurna fiy buyootikunna wa laa tabarrujna tabarruji al-jahiliya al-oolaa wa aqimna as-salaata wa aateena az-zakaata wa ati'na Allaha wa rasoolahu...}
{And stay in your homes and do not display yourselves like the ways of the time of ignorance. And establish the prayer, pay the zakat and obey Allah and His Messenger...} Al-Ahzaab:33
The scholars of tafseer state that, although the verse is explicitly directed at the wives of the Prophet (sas), the general principle applies to all Muslim women and wives in particular - that they should not leave the house except for a legitimate purpose such as going to the masjid, seeking knowledge, shoping for household needs, etc. and that if they are married, they may not do that except with their husband's permission. This is a point of very wide agreement among the scholars, although there doesn't seem to be any clear and sound hadith which states it. Although the following hadith VERY strongly indicates that this is the case:
"Idhaa ista'dhanat imra'atu ahadikum ilaa al-masjid falaa yamna'haa."
"If the wife of any of you seeks permission to go to the masjid, he may not prevent her." Muslim & Bukhari
As with any right which a person may possess, this right should be used in the right fashion and not be misused such that it leads to harm and distress. The Prophet (sas) said: "No inflicting of harm and no reciprocating of harm." A contemporary author, Faihaan Al-Mutairi said about this:
"If a man disallows his wife from leaving the house, out of fear and honor for her, then he must not let her feel that she is a prisoner in the house and that she was only created to serve him and serve the children. Instead, he must choose a day out of the week, or less or more, according to the need and ability, to walk with his wife and children in a place that is free of temptations so that they may become happy in their hearts and out of fear of boredom. The one who studies Shari'a finds this aspect to be very clear, that is, the aspect of one sproting with his wife and trying to make her happy. The Messenger of Allah (sas) went out with his wife, the Mother of the Believers, Aisha and raced with her. It is confirmed that Aisha said: "The Prophet (sas) raced with me and I beat him. After a while when I became heavier, he raced me and beat me and said: This one is for that one."
So those Muslims who expect their wives to stay in the house 24 hrs. per day and 7 days per week are not truly following the sunnah. Rather, they have invented an innovation which will only server to drive women and children away from Islam.
Housework
The rights which have been stated so far are non-controversial and agreed upon among the scholars. The duty of the wife to take care of housework such as cooking, cleaning and generally serving her husband in the house is an issue about which there are different opinions. Definitely, this is and has always been the custom of the Muslims, all the way back to the Prophet (sas) and his Companions. It is part of the ihsaan (good treatment) which should be exchanged between husband and wife. That is not quite the same, however, as saying that it is the husband's right. If that is the case, then she would be committing a sin if she failed to fulfill it.
Clearly, the safe way is the way of all of the female Companions of the Prophet (sas) who used to serve their husbands in this regard. If they had servants to help them, fine. If not, they used to handle the housework, cooking and cleaning. The Prophet (sas) himself, our best example in this regard, used to help his wives with these chores.
There are many scholars on both sides of this issue as to the obligatoriness of these services. The strongest argument that they are is the following hadith of Husain ibn Muhsin that the Prophet (sas) asked his aunt if she was married. When she answered in the affirmative, he said:
"How are you with respect to him?" She answered: 'I do not fail in obeying him save in those things that I am incapable of doing.' The Prophet (sas) told her: "Look to how you are with respect to him for he is your paradise and your hell-fire." Ahmad & others (acceptable according to Al-Albaani).
Al-Albaani states that this hadith is proof that a woman must serve her husband according to her ability, the first of such obligations is the bringing up of the children.
To Be Thanked for His Actions
Gratitude is one of the most important characteristics of a believer. A Muslim is grateful both to Allah for His infinite mercies and also to people who do well by him/her. The Prophet (sas) said:
"Inna ashkaru an-naasi lillahi tabaaraka wa ta'aala ashkaruhum lin-naasi."
"The most grateful people to Allah Blessed and High are the most thankful of them to others." Ahmad
"Laa yashkuru Allaha man laa yashkuru an-naasi."
"Those who do not thank people do not thank Allah." Abu Daud & others
Although it is an obligation of the husband to look after his wife, this does not mean that she should not be thankful to him for his kindness and his efforts in looking after her welfare and happiness. This is something fundamental which should exist between husband and wife. Each of them should acknowledge the efforts of the other, show them gratitude and repay them in kindness. Allah said:
{Hal jazaa'u al-ihsaani illa al-ihsaanu}
{Is the reward for good deeds extended anything other than good deeds (returned)} Ar-Rahman:60
It would seem from various hadith that it is specifically necessary for the wife to remind herself of this principle. Perhaps since a large part of the husband's contribution to the household takes place as working outside of the home, she may tend to overlook it. This seems to be a common characteristic of women as can be seen in the following hadith of the Prophet (sas) after his night journey to see heaven, hell and Jerusalem:
"...wa ra'aitu akthara ahlihaa an-nisaa'a. Qaaloo lima yaa rasoola Allahi. Qaala: Bi kufrihinna. Qeela: Yakfurna billahi? Qaala: Yakfurna al-'asheera wa yakfurna al-ihsaana lau ahsanta ilaa ihdaahunna ad-dahra thumma ra'at minka shai'an qaalat maa ra'aita minka khairan qattu."
"...and I saw most of its inhabitants (i.e., hell-fire) women. They said: Why, O Messenger of Allah? He said: Because of their kufr. It was said: Their kufr toward Allah? He (sas) said: Their kufr toward their mate and they commit kufr (ingratitude) of good deeds extended even if you extend good deeds to one of them forever but then she sees something from who (which she dislikes) she says: I have never seen any good from you." Muslim & Bukhari
In another hadith, the Prophet (sas) warns wives in a similar manner:
"Laa yandhuru Allahu ilaa imra'atin laa tashkuru li zawjihaa wa hiya laa tastaghniy 'anhu"
"Allah does not look at a woman who does not thank her husband while she cannot do without him." Al-Hakim (acceptable per Sh. Al-Albani)
She Does Not Fast (Voluntary) Without His Permission
The Prophet (sas) said:
"Laa yahillu lilmar'ati an tasooma wa zawjuhaa shaahidan illa bi idhnihi."
"It is not lawful for a woman to fast while her husband is resident except with his permission." Muslim & Bukhari
Conclusion: The Importance of Fulfilling the Husband's Rights
The Prophet (sas) gave an all-encompassing advice to Muslim women in the following hadith:
"Idhaa salat al-mar'atu khamsahaa wa saamat shahrahaa wa hasunat farjahaa wa ataa'at zawjahaa qeela lahaa udkhuliy al-jannata min ayyi abwaabi al-jannati shi'ti."
"When any woman prays her five, fasts her month, guards her body and obeys her husband it is said to her: Enter paradise from whichever of its doors you wish." Ibn Hibban (sahih per Al-Albani
Noble Qur'an 5:1
O you who believe! Fulfill (your) obligations
Noble Qur'an Al-Baqarah 2:228
...And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allâh is All-Mighty, All-Wise.






Dealing with a Troublesome Husband
By Shaykh Ibn Baaz (d.1420H)
[al-Istiqaamah]

[Q.3]: Even though my husband - may Allaah forgive him - is a person of good character and fears Allaah, yet he does not treat me with kindness. He is always moody, frowning and troubled at heart - and he often says that I am the cause of this. However, Allaah knows - and all praise is for Allaah - that I do fulfill his rights and try to bring to him tranquility and peace of mind and I try to stay clear of all that which displeases him, whilst patiently bearing his excesses against me. Every time I ask him about something, or speak about a particular matter, he becomes angry and says that my speech is stupidity - even though I know that he is perfectly happy in the company of his friends and associates. However, when it concerns me, then he does not treat me in the same manner, or with the same feeling. This causes me great hurt and anger and I have often considered leaving the house. I have - and all praise is for Allaah - been educated to a good level and fulfill that which Allaah has obligated me with. O noble Sheikh! If I leave the house with my children, try to educate them and live my own life, will I be sinful in doing so? Or should I continue to live in my present circumstance, abstain from speaking and continue patiently bearing these difficulties? Please advise me as to what I should do - and may Allaah reward you with goodness.
[A.3]: There is no doubt that it is obligatory for the husband and wife to live together in a kind and sociable manner. There should be good manners and treatment between them, along with affection and pleasant behaviour - as Allaah the Mighty and Majestic – says,
‘‘And live with them in honour and in kindness.’’ [Sooratun-Nisaa‘ 4:19]
And His - the Most Perfect – saying,
‘‘And the wives have rights over the husbands - similar to those of the husbands over them - in that which is reasonable. But men have a degree over them.’’ [Sooratul-Baqarah 2:228]
The Prophet (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, ‘‘Righteousness is good character.’’ [1] And he (’alayhis-salaatu was-salaam) then said, ‘‘Do not consider any good action as insignificant- even if it is meeting your brother with a cheerful face.’’ [2] And he (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) also said, ‘‘The most perfect of Believers in eemaan (faith) is the one with the best character. And the best of you are those that are best to their women-folk, and I am the best amongst you to my family.’’ [3] There are besides these many other ahaadeeth which are a general proof for the encouragement of good character, cheerful meeting and good companionship between Muslims. If this is the general case between Muslims, then good treatment between husband and wife and relatives is even more important. You have done well in patiently persevering and bearing the ill treatment and bad character from your husband. However, I advise you to have even greater patience and not to leave the house, and if Allaah - the Most High - wills, there will be a great deal of good in this and a praiseworthy end for you. Allaah - the Most Perfect – said,
‘‘Patiently persevere! Indeed Allaah is with those who patiently persevere.’’ [Sooratul-Anfaal 6:46]
And His - the Mighty and Majestic – saying,
‘‘Indeed whosoever fears Allaah, obeys Him, turns away from disobedience and patiently perseveres, then Allaah does not cause the rewards of the doers of good to be lost.’’ [Soorah Yoosuf 12:90]
And His - the Mighty and Majestic – saying,
‘‘Only those who patiently persevere shall receive their reward in full without reckoning.’’ [Sooratuz-Zumar 39:10]
And His - the Most Perfect - saying,
‘‘So patiently persevere! Indeed, the end will be good for those who are pious.’’ [Soorah Hood 11:49]
However, this does not prevent you from speaking to your husband with such words, and behaving with him in such a manner, that will soften his heart- and lead to him being pleased with you and fulfilling your rights of companionship. And as long as he is fulfilling the main and important obligations towards you, then try not to ask him for any worldly need, until his heart is opened and his chest is expanded in accepting your request and fulfilling your needs; in this way - if Allaah wills your ending will be a praiseworthy one. May Allaah grant you increase in all that is good, and that the condition of your husband improves, and that he is guided to good character, kindness in companionship and to fulfilling the rights that are due upon him. Indeed Allaah is the best of those who are asked, and only He guides to the path that is straight. [4]
Footnotes:
[1] Related by Muslim (4/1980) from an-Nawwaas Ibn Sam’aan (radiyallaahu ’anhu).
[2] Saheeh: Related by Ahmad (5/63) and it was authenticated by al-Albaanee in as-Saheehah (no. 1352).
[3] Hasan: Related by at-Tirmidhee (1/217-218) who said, ‘‘The hadeeth is Hasan Saheeh.’’
[4] al-Fataawaa (1/193-194)






Poison Your Mother-in-Law...
Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem

Dear Brothers & Sisters,

A person's mother-in-law is the mother of his or her spouse. We are all familiar with the persona of the stereotypical mother-in-law - a woman generally portrayed with an intrusive and critical nature. A mother-in-law, the person who is considered overbearing, opinionated, a meddler; a busybody and the butt of mother-in-law jokes. Although jokes about one's mother-in-law are nowadays considered politically incorrect, based on the idea that the mother-in-law considers the comedian to be unsuitable for her daughter, and that the mother-in-law is an ugly monster. There is evidence that these types of mother-in-law jokes date back to Roman times. The writer Juvenal (Decimus Iunius Iuvenalis) was a Roman satric poet of the 1st century AD was quoted as having said "you can't be happy while the mother-in-law is still alive."
Mother-in-law, just saying the name conjures up all sorts of connotations to some daughters-in-law but do all mothers-in-law live up to this nefarious reputation? Surely not! However, all of us are fully aware that they play a powerful role in the dynamics of their children's marriage, and that warrants special attention.
So, I have attached two mother-in-law articles which inshaa'Allah Ta'ala you will find interesting and beneficial reading.
1. "Poison Your Mother-in-Law"
2. "Treatment of Mothers-in-Law"



Poison Your Mother-in-Law...

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married and went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed days, and weeks passed weeks. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish.

All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.

Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you. Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."

Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs.

He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body.

Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspects you when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.

Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr.Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother. After six months had passed, the whole household had changed.

Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.

The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

MORAL: Brothers and Sisters have you ever realized that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you?

Unknown Author











Treatment of Mothers-in-Laws
By Dr. Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi
Excerpt from: The Muslim Woman and her Husband.


Note: Although the article below is written in reference to the wife treating her mother-in-law.
The advices are also applicable to the husband in his treatment to his mother-in-law as well.

One of the ways in which a wife expresses her respect towards her husband is by honoring and respecting his mother.

The Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion knows that the person who has the greatest right over a man is his mother, as one notes in many Ahaadeeth. So she helps him to honor and respect his mother, by also honoring and respecting her. In this way she will do herself and her husband a favor, as she will be helping him to do good deeds and fear Allah Ta'ala, as commanded by the Qur'an. At the same time, she will endear herself to her husband, who will appreciate her honor and respect towards his family in general, and towards his mother in particular. Nothing could please a decent, righteous and respectful man more than seeing strong ties of love and respect between his wife and his family, and nothing could be more hateful to a decent man than to see those ties destroyed by the forces of evil, hatred and conspiracy. The Muslim family, which is guided by faith in Allah Ta'ala and follows the pure teachings of Islam, is unlikely to fall into the trap of such jahili (ignorant) behavior, which usually flourishes in communities today.

A Muslim wife may find herself being tested by her mother-in-law and other in-laws, if they are not of good character. If such is the case, she is obliged and would be meritorious to treat them in the best way possible, which requires a great deal of cleverness, courtesy, diplomacy and repelling evil with that which is better. Thus she will maintain a balance between her relationship with her in-laws and her relationship with her husband, and she will protect herself and her marriage from any adverse effects that may result from the lack of such a balance.

The Muslim woman should never think that she is the only one who is required to be a good and caring companion to her spouse, and that nothing similar is required of her husband or that there is nothing wrong with him mistreating her or failing to fulfill some of the responsibilities of marriage. Islam has regulated the marital relationship by giving each partner both rights and duties. The wife's duties of honoring and taking care of her husband are balanced by the rights that she has over him, which are that he should protect her honor and dignity from all kinds of mockery, humiliation, trials or oppression. These rights of the wife comprise the husband's duties towards her: he is obliged to honor them and fulfill them as completely as possible.

One of the Muslim husband's duties is to fulfill his role of qawwam (maintainer and protector) properly. This is a role that can only be properly fulfilled by a man who is a successful leader in his home and family, one who possesses likeable character and qualities. Such a man has a noble and worthy attitude, is tolerant, overlooks minor errors, is in control of his married life, and is generous without being extravagant. He respect s his wife's feelings and makes her feel that she shares the responsibility of running the household affairs, bringing up the children, and working with him to build a sound Muslim family, as Islam wants it to be.

Courtesy: Posted by Al-Islaah Publications