a horrible day... and a revelation of sorts - please read and feed back on this

hey you guys, today would have been day 6 of my Water Fast but i broke it today with 2 slices of peach around 2, then around 7 i drank 16oz. of pineapple and papaya juice from U-Mix (about 280cals) then tonight i ate a lot of frozen fruit and i ate a creamsicle (50 cal) with my dad - and it was my mothers birthday so i ate a piece of her cake and a brownie that was handed it me (i hadn't intended on it but it was handed to me! =[) then before i knew it i have eaten a big slice of pizza!! *cries* i didn't know what had happened!!! when did i lose control!? =[ =[ =[ i felt horrible!! then i went and purged...

its not something im proud of...sometimes after i eat a big or unhealthy meal i panic!...and then purge... and after i puked everything out (at lease the pizza and some brownie/cake) i felt horrible T-T and my throat burn like no body's business, and then i decided.... i cant do this anymore i cant just keep taking this way out of eating something unhealthy..its not worth it... i need to take responsibility for what i put in my mouth and deal with the consequences!

and then about midnight (a few minutes ago) i had a BM the first one since day 1 of my fast, and it was very very dense hard and big (sorry for the details but im getting somewhere w/ this) and since there was not much in my tummy (and i had JUST eaten, no time to digest) and since i had been Water Fasting for 5 days prior i knew it had to be the nasty crude that was sitting inside of my intestine! and it gave me a great feeling -- like a weight had been lifted from me (no pun intended of course) and i felt cleaner and happy =]

so im gonna start fasting again tomorrow, at least for another three days, but i realized --- ill never be able to be the girl who eats the yougurt for breakfast, dressing-less salad for lunch, and the plain baked potato for dinner....

its just not me, i love food! - and i always will! smelling it, preparing it, eating it! flavor, texture, creamy, spicy, sweet, sour, tangy, kick, rich, decadent, juicy; i love it all -- quite frankly i'd love nothing more than to become a chef... if i wasn't already on my way to being a doctor, and i know i will always indulge! because i love food, and there are dishes i would never want to give up....but i think... if i know im going to eat a delicious plate of fettuccine alfredo w/ soup and hot bread sticks @ Olive Garden for dinner, then i'll eat a light breakfast, lunch, and light (if any) snacks; knowing im going to be eating that heavy meal later in the day -- and that will have to be good enough... because..well... i dont wanna give up the things that i love to eat! ill just have to plan accordingly around them! i know on sunday when i pick up my boyfriend from the airport (hes been in cali for 2 months) - were gonna go to olive garden and have that exact dish! and thats just going to have to be ok - cuz i refuse to purge it -- and refuse to not eat what i enjoy just becasue its not as healthy as a glass of water and a damn cruton... ill just have to be careful w/ the other things i put in my mouth that day and balance it all out in the end... this has to work - and ill fast a few days a month as well -- maybe 3-5 days every month or 1 day a week or so... ill figure it out i suppose... but this is my revolation - if i cant just accept this way of eating; ill feel like im doing something horribly wrong and that i failed somehow... and then probably go throw it up... and i dont want that... i want to enjoy my life and eat what i love - and plan accordingly... and i believe i can be happy this way...

anyway...sorry ofr the long post - any words or comments (or advice!) you have on this bizzare pour of words would be most appreciated and enjoyed... thank you

love&peace always
-Sara (175.5 5'6)