Thanks for the forum

I don't really know how to comment about my job. I'm a supervisor/server in a mom and pop style fine dining restaurant. I love the people I work with, but I don't love the job. I'm physically quite healthy. I haven't had a job that I loved since 93. I've struggled to get through school and pay the bills and then not go to school and pay even more bills. I have two step-daughters (who are grown) and a disabled husband who is improving on a regular basis. I've had perfectly good jobs. I just never felt satisfied with any of them. I have a persistent problem with feeling inadequate, even though in reality I'm beyond competent for almost anything, then I swing to feeling superior to the job I'm doing which is half true. I worked 60-80 hour weeks making sure my step-daughters received their basic needs for child support and clothing while my husband was applying for disability and escalating medical bills. I'm close to them, but I never really got to spend a lot of time with them, so my efforts at earning a living felt empty and cold. I've encountered a lot of obstacles and have often felt that I'm being punished for something. Psychologically, the emptiness and desperation of our living situation, has made me feel suicidal (which I've never attempted) and useless. I'm making corrections in my thinking (I'm going to day 18 of the Master Cleanse) and making some life style changes. My current job is very stressful, in part because of how I internalize the role I have. I'm just a server. Frequently it's rewarding and enlightening and full of purpose, but the scales tip to humiliating and discouraging. I am there to pay the bills and that's it. As dreary as all of this sounds, I'm intimate with how reacting to situations determines our mental health. I'm just 'here' for now trying to decide if all I need is a change in attitude or if I need a change in jobs. Clearly a change in attitude no matter what, though. Tweet