I am such a fool..

well,the jealousy began a few weeks ago when I noticed how 'close' my girl and her co-worker is.I noticed that they have a rapport totally different from mine and hers.
I can see that she is really comfortable just working near him and talking to him.

It really upset me because I feel as if it's something that me and her really lack.
CLOSENESS.

It's funny because I can do all sorts of things to cause attraction and be all fun
exciting and do all sorts of things with her..but without the ability to listen,
care for and talk to her then it's really no hope for us.
):

I know the guy,he's a real stand up guy.Friendly,stable,smart,good looking and fit.
I am the opposite..moody,irate,assholish and selfish lol.I have talked to her about him and she swears that they are just friends though I can sense an attraction between them.It's okay,we will always be attracted to others..it doesn't mean anything more then that unless acted upon so it's all good~

I realize now that it's not so much how he looks,but how he acts and what he does that they are friends..he talks to her and actually LISTENS to her,something I have rarely done lol.It just bothers me that she may be closer to him then me and though they may only be friends/co-workers,it still bugs me that another guy is closer to my girl then I am.

It's just that for the longest time I didn't realize how much effort she was trying to put in in order to open up to me and take all of this to another level.I was often confused by why the next day after really great sex she would be kinda distant and want to go out and do things with me,take walks,go to the park or just hang out outdoors and maybe just talk.I was kinda lost when she would talk to me about her family,her youth and her life.I really didn't know she was trying to open up to me,even just that little bit.I kinda just let her talk..like..uh huh.
(:

We see one another more often then before and we have lots of sex and I make sure she is satisfied because I really thought that was all there was to it..great sex.
I thought going to sleep holding her afterwards was enough lol.

She really does do so much and more to keep the balance between us but I often fail to see it.The little sweet things like shielding me when other girls are checking me out,'love taps',little jesters trying to touch my hand..she hugs me more,kisses me more,calls me more,offers more time,and plans out things waaaay in the future..
all I said to that was 'you are WAY too optimistic' lol.

(:

It's just that you wait for things to happen for the longest time but then when it's actually here,I mean,right her right now ..one becomes lost in how to deal with it all.I know I am older and should have all this stuff figured out but I have never had a true honest to goodness relationship in like 10 years and she broke my heart..since then it's like the only thing I remember is sex,only because it's the only thing I held onto..everything else kinda fell wayside.


So now what?
do I just listen more? talk more? FEEL more?

I really do like her very very very much but am kinda lost in terms of how to take it to the next level beyond just the physical aspects.

I have built up so many walls around me in the last 10 years that even with someone I want to let in ..they are sometimes left in the cold.So far she has showed me that she has enough love and patience to deal with me...I just hope I find ways to make a difference in myself in time.

I KNOW how I am..it just takes FOREVER for anyone to get that close to me ever again...