i have severe scrupulosity ocd, im worrying about this now

I think im going into severe Depression mode again, im going out for lunch, but i don't know if i can enjoy it
the thing i think i did bad is the possibility that i might have said f*cking jesus out loud a few years ago, this was due to frustration from saying that in my head numerous times and i thought this would ease my pain since it's worse. im not even sure if i did it or not because it's been such a long time.

i would move on, but i would come back, this was a few years ago. now im thinking if it was one of the things that i couldn't control then it's fine(having an urge to do something suddenly, but what if i really meant it(that meas im guilty), but i don't have anything against him. why do i reason all the time. i only focus on one thing for a very long time, then trigger my memory and worry about that one if i lose the previous thought. anyways, the fact that im taking my time to consider this would mean that i didn't mean it at that time, right? i never had anything against jesus and im christian, and certainly not at this time.

i think i have extremely severe ocd

i get stuck with this often and i can't study thoroughly or sometimes i have a panic attack and it's so horrible that im excited to study, but i can't concentrate when im like this im in 1st year university as a Science student, trying for med school. this already has affected my ability to study continuously and often. i have other problems, too.

i want to have a happy life, that's all
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