Struggling with lonliness which leads to binge eating

Hello. I am 22 years old and I have struggled with this eating issue a lot - kind of my whole life, but very much so since I was 14. I am 5'2'' and weigh about 130 to 138lbs. I am not obese, but I don't feel comfortable in my body. I have weighed everywhere from 88 to 142lbs. I have struggled constantly with food. I have thought about it almost every waking moment, I have a love hate relationship with it. I can see in my face that I am aging myself and somewhat hurting my insides. I have a little bit of digestive problems, but not as bad as when I was younger. I have studied candida, food allergies , parasites, IBS, constipation, cleansing, detoxification, etc. But I know that none of these studies will help me until I can get to the core of the issue. Yes, I may have candida or even food allergies , but I know that I can't follow any type of diet without rebelling against it. On top of that at the core of my being, I am so lonely and so scared. I was raped at age 17, but emotionally abused my whole life. I have now come to believe that my father is a sex addict and my mother is completely immature about her sexuality and that combination was really strange to grow up with. Every time I am around my family, I feel this strange energy (especially when my dad is there). When my father is around, I feel like a sexual object. I am highly intuitive and empathic, and I know that I am not imagining things. I remember being 14 and wearing a skirt and feeling really angry at him because I felt like he was looking at my body. Now, it was nothing I could prove on the outside, but I COULD DEFINITELY FEEL IT.

So, I cant really blame him because I know that his mother (my grandmother) was also a sex addict. I know she had affairs (I have heard about it from my mother) and its like just a cycle that continues in the family because of genetics and learned behavior, right? But, it is still wrong to sexualize your own daughter. I think it must have been my whole life. People always asked me if I was sexually abused when I was younger and I KNOW it was not a physical abuse, but I do think it was emotional. I think my father emotionally sexually abused me. And I think it has been a huge factor in the creation of this eating disorder as I have seen time and time again that women with eating disorders were often sexually abused.

What to do with this information, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever. I am confused and frightened by my NEED to project myself everyday as a sexual object. I am frightened by my constant need for sexual attention and validation. This in part, scares the shit out of me. I am terrified because I dont want to be a sexual object, therefore I eat to remain fat. But I want to be a sexual object, therefore I am on a constant pursuit of thinness.

I'm not sure what to do here? I am very confused. Tweet