Manipulators

I came across this post just before I heard from a friend about this very same subject.  And now, as I myself post it, it has so much meaning.

Domestic violence is something that is touching my life more and more as I run into ladies caught in it grips.  By the way, some men too.  Men also suffer from horrific domestic abuse.  I do not in any way want to discount you.

I do not usually plug my blogradio show here.  Well, I did on the first airing.  LOL, but I am going to plug this show.  It is the Woman of Courage - Mary Denham show.  http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Luellas-Corner/2008/01/07/Women-of-Courage-Mary-...  She will bless your heart.  But in there somewhere, she just abruptly changes course and makes an impassioned plea for anybody undergoing abuse, to please leave.  Especially if there are children involved.

And to you men undergoing such trials, you are too often discounted, as you are portrayed as the abusers and not the abused.  We still have the stereotypes of men being the strong protectors and providers.  And so, when something like this, or even emotional illness enters your life, it is so much harder for you and you get a bum rap.

Manipulators

Identify Manipulative Behaviors &
Free Yourself from a Manipulator Control

1
Step One
Manipulators are very good at what they do: controlling others. Their tactics vary, but the goal is always to get the manipulated to do what the manipulator wants. Manipulative behaviors can include threatening, flattering, giving you guilt or demeaning you. They may keep you guessing by alternating between excesses of affection and charm and coldness or anger. If you often feel stressed and resentful when dealing with someone, you may be enmeshed in a manipulative relationship.

2
Step Two
Look at ways in which you play into the manipulator's hands. List things you have done or not done to please the manipulator and how you felt when at the time.

3
Step Three
Figure out which buttons the manipulator is pressing. For example, if you are a giving and caring person, a manipulator might suggest that you are cold and selfish if you are start resisting the manipulator's schemes.

4
Step Four
Stop making excuses for the manipulator. If you blame the manipulative behavior on his insecurities or unhappy childhood, know that such excuses are a key part of his manipulative strategy. Be wary of anyone who regularly "plays the victim."

5
Step Five
Turn down "generous" offers of help, money, time, etc. To a manipulator, these are always "quid pro quo." Manipulators use "gifts" they give to get something out of you.

6
Step Six
Assert yourself. Say no to manipulative demands calmly and rationally.

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Step Seven
Establish and maintain boundaries. You need to distance yourself emotionally in order to deal with the manipulative comments and behaviors. Cultivate detachment and consider it necessary "tough love."

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Step Eight
Challenge lies and half-truths. Use logic instead of emotion to argue back. If necessary, end the battle by "agreeing to disagree." Hold your position. Be prepared to repeat yourself many times until the manipulator backs off.

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Step Nine
Prepare yourself for the manipulator to escalate her behavior. The manipulator will not give up control without a fight. You will hear how "mean" you are and how "hurt" she is by your "uncaring" behavior. The manipulator's behavior may become worse than ever or she may totally withdraw. Stand firm, don't get defensive and don't take the bait.

10
Step Ten
See how the manipulator responds to the changes you have made. Some people see the error of their ways and come to appreciate the benefits of a more equitable relationship. Once you deal with the manipulator, you will feel more optimistic, more powerful and once again in control of your destiny.


Tips & Warnings

If the manipulator is someone you work with, you may want to request mediation by management and/or Human Resources in order to deal with the problems.

While some manipulators do realize the error of their ways once you force the change, others won't. They will try to find new ways to try to "get around" you. Once you break the manipulation cycle, you must then decide whether you will be happier with or without the particular relationship. Also realize that the manipulator may be the one to leave the relationship. He may depart in search of a fresh victim once it becomes clear that she no longer controls you.

If you are afraid that the manipulator may cause you physical harm, avoid any direct confrontation, remove yourself and any bystanders like children and to a safe place and stop all contact.