Relationship trust issues

Hi Melissa,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years, and he is wonderful. Not only do we both know ourselves well, but we are also physically, mentally, and emotionally compatible. We are still young - college-aged - but I know that we both see potential in a long-term, loving partnership. For the past year or so, we have been struggling with maintaining our own individual lives; at some point along the line, we got into the habit of spending every moment with one another, and neither of us ended up being happy. As such, the last few months have presented a real struggle - and this is not the first time we've struggled with this issue- to break our old, unhealthy habits. About six months ago, we took a break from our relationship because of this exact same issue, and about a month ago, we started talking about ending things between us again.

Fortunately, most of this was due to certain circumstances - one was in school while the other was not - and I have been looking forward to the new year when things will be going well for each of us. We also spent the winter break in different places, and it was good for both of us to be able to have our own space.

The trouble is this: The other day, I inadvertently found a text message in his phone to a girl he used to date (not seriously) about 6 years ago. Since we went to the same high school (but did not actually know one another while we were there), I happen to know this girl pretty well. The message made reference to the fact that they had been talking, and that they should stop texting so frequently because he didn't want me to see anything.

When I confronted him about it, he told me that he had been talking to her about us, trying to sort things out in his own head. He said that he was thinking very seriously about ending things with us during the winter break (though he didn't tell me about this sentiment, as he felt breaking up over the phone was not dignified), and he was pretty certain that it was going to happen. He said that he hadn't wanted me to see the texts because they were, admittedly, a little flirty, but nothing that he would actually act on. He also admitted that it was nice to be able to talk to someone in a faux-loving way without any of the baggage that we have, and that the phone created a safe "distance" for something like that... after all, I really do trust that he would never cheat on me physically. He says that, in reality, his feelings for her are strictly platonic, that it didn't actually mean much to him, and that, in having his conversations with her, he realized that the kind of traits in her are not even what he wants in a partner, but that what he sees in me is what he loves. Now, in hearing all of this and really knowing him well, I actually think he's being honest. And it can't go without being said that I am surprised that I really believe his side of the story and understand his actions, because I am very, very sensitive and skeptical when it comes to trusting boyfriends. I had a boyfriend cheat on me in high school when we were infatuated with one another, and while I, with time, learned to trust my current boyfriend, that residual fear of trusting does sometimes surface.

I am concerned! I appreciate my boyfriend's candidness about the issue, and I do know that he truly is a good person (else I would not be with him!)However, despite the fact that I do think he is being totally honest, I am worried that this is going wreck the trust I've worked so hard to build. I don't want to be in a relationship when I can't trust my partner; it simply isn't fair to either of us. However, since he's been back, we've both noticed how things are really starting to look up for us... for good. The question, then, is this: Do I get out of the relationship as soon as possible because I am afraid that I will not be able to let this go and trust him when the going gets tough with us? Or should I give our relationship a shot since things are really and truly looking up for both of us? And if I do choose to stay with him, while I know INTELLECTUALLY that these events are the past, how can I learn to know that EMOTIONALLY? Tweet