i understand..

now why i get so anxious and nervous around certain girls,notable the ones I like.
its because i have (for the past 10 years) been building up more and more and more hatred towards them,sorta like 'one day I will be so awesome and you won't be able to have me,as a matter of fact,i spite you for wanting me and it gives me pleasure to take away my attention from you..I can do better,i am too good for you'.its all about me and my control over my emotions as well as having theirs and having control of them.
it's sick and twisted but its something i have developed on order to 'get back' at girls.i think me being bisexual was a choice as well,in order to further rob females of any of my real affection from me.as long as i am bisexual they will never have all of my attention or love.i have hated girls for all almost a decade,so much anger,resentment,frustration,bitterness,heartache,pain, Depression and insanity..its' no wonder when i see someone i am interested it brings up so many conflicting emotions inside.I don't know how to handle it all,plus you don't just build up so many bad feelings about something and then all of a sudden try to accept it and it's gonna be
all hunky dory,because it dosen't work that way,plus when you kinda not deal with the issues for so long it's kinda like an automatic record that plays and plays without your control its as if feelings of attraction and love automatically bring about feelings of great pain and sadness..how sad is that? everytime i like or am attracted to someone,i am hurt and hate them already?? that quick? yes,yes it is actually.


i tell myself,i am better off alone,i need no one,i hate woman,i hate men,i hate everyone..but on some days,all i want to do is feel the affection,warmth and just being touched by another person,a beautiful girl..nothing sexual,just to be held and to feel that loving ,nurturing and affection..warmth and closeness.As a matter of fact,i cannot even be with a girl totally unless i have those emotions present.I have to really like them in order to really be into them like that,for i have never experianced lust without affection.i am just so angry from what my ex had did to me,hurt more then anything else.Not to mention the slew of other girls i have felt betrayed by though what they did wasn't so bad..its just me being unable to accept that things just 'end' and just don't work out.i have had a really bad habit of holding grudges and onto anger that right now,learning how to deal with it all..it's like a trip wire and everything i have ever been angry at just erupts and it's like
a landslide of crap that comes out,so angry so pissed off..about something so so so
small.


i also tend to make excuses when I like someone,like they can do better,pick a part her flaws even if they are just ones i make up or they aren't even really flaws..anything and everything to make me stop liking them though i end up liking the way more then i did initially.it's not like i go for girls that are just pretty or whatever,i observe real well and have a keen insight into how a person really is and if we are compatible ..but in the end,i am so angered by it all because i don't want to feel this way about them,about anyone for that matter.i want to be in control of these feelings ( i know i can't be) i want to be with them and like them and be happy and have sex all night and be actually GENUINE in our relationship..but i just can't right now eventhough i want it and am fully capable of getting them..being with them,being consistent,reliable,stable and emotionally 'there' is such a foreign to me
concept to me,right now.


I want them terribly,so so so so so terribly ..in my head and heart..but god,sometimes i wonder if they really are worth all the effort.
but then i think ..uh,YEEEE-UUH! Huh-low! lol.
I used to be so awesome with girls when i was young and stupid to all of this stuff..
it's like the older i got the more tainted and bitter i have become.

i want to be with girls again this year 0f 08 and really take care of these issues..
like an ADULT.2 years shy of being 30..i think it's about time.
(: