Mental Illness and the Phone Tree

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental
Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
forwarded to The Mother Ship

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
have Short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our
operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn
on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just
mess it up.
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