Re: No sex life

Oh man, do I know what you are going through. My girlfriend's husband didn't have sex with her for 7 years. This after numerous counseling where the counselor told him that if he didn't have sex with her, he was going to lose her. So she got used to it. And eventually she didn't think of him in terms of a "husband" but a roommate. She is very fit and a sexual person.

And then she had an affair. That wakened her up, and she realized that she needed sex in her life. She needed intimacy, and some degree of romance. The affair turned out badly. So she went back to "their life".

But then her husband found a letter written by the affair (the only one she didn't destroy). He really had to look for this, so she knew he was paranoid. He went nuts.

Part of his problem was erectile disfunction. He finally agreed to try v1agra, and it worked! Then he wanted to have sex all the time. But alas, it was too late. She had long ago stopped thinking of him in those terms, and now she doesn't know what to do. She no longer wants to have sex with him and asked him if they could go back to the way they were. He said that he can't be in a marriage without sex (I know...!)

So, here she is. A real problem. She never left him because they have a child they both adore. She still can't leave him, but fears that it may happen anyway. Oh, and she is 51.

You husband sounds depressed. Well, there is something amiss for sure. Usually weight doesn't play into it, if a man wants sex it wouldn't matter if you looked like Moby Dick. He may feel too tired carrying all the weight...not comfortable in his skin. He may have a poor body image. Or maybe he is having problems performing.

I hate to say this, but this will become an "issue" for you at some point. You have to find out what's going on. Once you either stop having sex, or stop sleeping in bed together, there is trouble ahead.

It interests me that he has to say to you "I don't need anybody". I've heard that from men before. I believe it's actually quite the opposite, and should you tell him you are leaving him, things will change. But I don't suggest that. He sounds sort of fragile? But that is a big red light. Why would a man say that to his wife? It's hurtful and sort of mean. That's like saying, I don't need YOU. I think there are bigger fish to fry here than sex. Women always make the mistake of thinking (when a man says something like that) oh, they don't really mean it. But the one thing I learned is that men often say what they mean in relationships. Like when men say they never ever want kids, and women always think they'll change. They usually mean it.

Do you ever get mad at him? Some women that are with men with issues (like Depression and abuse) alway forgive them too much. They don't want to make it worse. Sometimes a good wake up call is what should happen, and I mean let them have it. My husband has clinical Depression and I was his able co-dependent for many years. He never did anything to help himself, it was always me. One day I got really mad at him. Not over the way he was, but because of his leaning so heavily on me. I let him know what it was like to live in a house with a depressed person. Not that we were going to leave him, or stop loving him, but that he was not giving value to the family while he sat around doing nothing. That is when he decided to stop his 10 year Prozac use. He started doing all the alternative stuff with me and it has turned out very well for everyone.

This is what you need to discuss. Get this out of the way and you can discuss sex.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sucks and is frustrating.

Anyway, this is the best advice I can give you. By the way, my friend and her husbands actual "friendly" relationship was excellent. That is why she was able to stay with him for so long. Time to examine your friendship with this man also.

I never suggest this because I think this can kill a marriage, but wake up tomorrow and really look at him. I mean really! Most of us only see our spouses with a fuzzy glow (the initial romantic glow). It keeps you going. But in this case, I think you better really look....really listen. Spend the weekend observing. Pretend you don't know him well. A weekend of concentration can reveal a lot. But this is a dangerous exercise I warn you. Some people see too much and it's hard to bring yourself back.

Oh heck, I'm sorry, I think I've gone on too long about this. I hope something I said will help you, I really do.

Molly