where is everyone

just wanted to say hello and hope all is doing well. i can't even sleep anymore all i think about it eating, my weight, and all that garbage. i've recently started using youtube and looked up bulimia and annorexia. i've found some people that i subscribe to that are going through a lot of the stuff i am and they hit it right on the head. however, so many people on there take e.d's kind of like a joke, and a glorified sickness, it's really very disgusting. most people with bulimia realize that they suffer from the sickness, not too sure about annorexia i'm sure they realize they have a problem with food and mental issues obviously, and when you loook up bulimia on youtube you get such a wide range of people. some people actually promote annorexia and others claim to suffer from the disease and actually have no clue about the disease just dont like to eat. it's crazy but gives me something to do when i can't sleep.

i've been binging and purging once a day for awhile now. slowly my money is disappearing again. i'm back to about 25 a day (i order delivery and to my utter horror have found a place that will travel to all kinds of restaurants and pick up the food and deliver it to you). i refuse to eat anything i can't throw up again, and i only eat raw food when i dont binge anyways, because i fear that since i have no scale (sister made me get rid of it =(
i may not be getting everything out like i used to be able to, and i dont need the calories. even as i write this i know how stupid it sounds but it's something i can not force myself to stop.

on a more positive note my best friend growing up, his name is enrique, is back from germany and is coming to visit me. haven't seen him in years. he wants to go out to eat and then downtown and i have no idea what i'm going to do. theres no way i can eat, and he has no idea that for a long time i've been dealing with this. not too sure what to do. nevertheless, can't wait to see him.

please write and let me know how you are all doing. hope it's great!!!!

ashley Tweet