hi, I am just posting very quickly. I am doing this just to see if it will help me stay committed to my fast. I am scared but sometimes I am not scared to fast 3 days. I feel so fragile sometimes. I have prayed to become utterly gentle. I think fasting is the most gentle thing I could do for myself. I prayed to fast this morning. I set for myself the task of really praying sincerely to fast. I didn't feel very sincere. I think posting is a form of prayer for me as well. Sometimes I can in posting or in writing my personal inventory or goal-work actually get convinced and happy about food sobriety and fasting. Mostly though I just want to get stoned on food. Today I do not feel happy about not getting that food "impact" or high but maybe I can endure it. I am going to do my meditation and writing exercises today. The house hunt is not going well. I am so depresssed about it. Of course I am depressed -- I am so food-toxic. It is a disappointment that there since I am already thin there is no satisfaction in weight loss, only fear, and the disapporving looks of ignorant vicious others. I hate this so much. So maybe I shoudl remind myself of my reasons to fast. Healing my anxiety and crippling depression. Becoming a secure and functional person. I hate being sober. I really want to say freely what I think and am going through. I wish to God I had a place to live. I hate having so much to do all day. I hate havign to become virtuous just to survive. I am so lonely and have no membership in institutions like the university nearby where if I belonged I could get friendships with people. If I applied I would be rejected. I have fallen out of life and there is no possibility of getting back in. The people on the inside hate and mistrust me now. I am in despair. I need to fast and am just furious that I don't get food gratification for 3 days. Actually 2 days and a bit. Less than 2-1/2 days now. I do not know how I will get through this evening. I have vaguely said that I would go to the movies, but I cannot really afford this. I will be so ashamed if I have to post again that I failed to fast. I feel so furious about having to miss food "pleasure." I guess I could buy food and chew it up and spit it out. I just feel that being thin I just have no incentive to fast. FAsting is so dry and boring. Fasting is so depriving and lonely and bleak and gray. This is a sunny day and I just want food "pleasure" to give me some enjoyment. But I have to know how horrible that is for me, getting high on food, even a little bit, I guess. The fruit I ate last night caused massive bowel spasms and I have emptied my bowels but gotten the drained feeling that comes from the spasms. And this was due to its beign cheap fruit as well. I was going for the expensive stuff and stopped myself. I am afraid this was the wrong thing to do, though. It hurts more with cheap fruit. Or, cheap fruit, I mean from stop&shop as opposed to whole foods market, really just hurts you so badly. God, I am furious that I don't get food pleasure. I do think that it might be a good strategy today to get food and chew it up and spit it out. ... the danger is that this is so triggering. I really want to take in only water, or at most only water with the juice of 1/2 a lemon, per liter, or something - the lemon to stimulate bowel movement or detox. I do not want to drink diet soda or milk-sweetener decaf or broth or tea or watered-down juice or anything. I will maybe get NoSalt and make the special rehydration drink I know about... this might be good since the fruit gave me the dehydrating bowel spasms. God, I just CANNOT feel good or excited or positive or willing about this fast. I hate it. I just feel furious and deprived. I feel like I am doing something that someone is forcing me to do. I feel too rushed. i do not feel ready. I feel angry. i do not feel ready to give up food impact or pleasure. I feel angry and deprived. I just want to gt stoned on food. I just want oblivion. OK my strategies are: get food and chew it up and spit it out; but first make the rehydration drink and have that on hand and drink that after the chewing up and spitting out. Well, I will get pleasure from the chewing up and spitting out. THat will give me pleasure. I should probably put "pleasure" in quotes. I hope I do nto get triggered from this act. It made me really sick the last time I did it since the colon can't distinguish between chewing up and spitting out an entire pound or half-pound of butter and actually eating the half-pound. It feels to the colon like you just ate the whole half-pound. One thing is my salivary glands are swollen chronically and I have always hoped fasting would bring that down and doing the chewing and spitting out will not help that ... but it is only a 3-day fast anyway and not likely to heal this condition... I just feel so unmotivated to fast. I just feel there is no point. I almost feel in danger of fasting making me fat again, or, humiliatingly fatter than I want to be, causing me to totally lose control of my eating ... because I am thin I just feel, what is the point of fasting? What is the point??? I am trying to "get all the poison out" with thi spost. God, I wish I had stronger reasons for fasting. I want to become a better person and that is a good reason... but whaat is the point of becoming a better person, when I am cut off and excluded from the elite world I used to belong to , and can never hope to get back into? The rich shiny bright intellectual privileged people. Where am I? What is the point of trying to improve myself if I can never hope to get where I want to go? I am trying to get at my resistances to fasting. I am trying to get at what makes me every afternoon throw my hands up and say, "what is the point? WHat is the point of keeping this fast?" ... I just am so down. i wish I had some reason to become a better person, like some competency I would be rewarded for acquiring, or some possibility of some relationship with someone among the rich-shiny-bright-intellectual-privileged people -- for which I would have to be really on my toes and not drunk on food. Or if I were in some athletic or dance training program or some performative event where I had to be physically well and competent instead of trashed, toxic, stoned, depressed, my face puffy and distorted, my body toxic and craving a binge. Right now the only appealing thing in my life is the toxic processed food available in the stores. THis is it. It is expensive and so it beats me up financially as well as physically. Well, as I say, I can always jsut chew it up and spiti it out. .. I NEED PLEASURE. WHERE am I going to really get some?????What will be pleasure for me today??? I have no pleasure in my life. I have no way to get pleasure except my slamming food. I have no developed activities like things to do like Harriet the Spy or something. I have nothing that I do competently or with interest. All I am is a food drunk. This is all I am. I am angry and ashamed that I have no activities. I am too frustrated to try to develop any. What is the point of starting? It will take so long to develop anything into a real skill. It is totally unfulfilling for such a long time. Someone suggested knitting to me once, now that I think of it. I am ashamed that I have tried to paint for years and done badly and given my paintings a Christmas presents anyway and just disappointed and embarrassed my family and friends, who got these bad paintings as presents and just knew that I would never amount to anything. I have publicly failed. I have been shown to be worthless. This is another thing that makes me unwillling to fast, somehow. The condition of having failed or something. Like, what is the reward for fasting -- I will never succeed in life.
But there is other resistance to fasting. I have real fears of it. I need to address my real fears about fasting. I do resent fasting or feel wary of it because I am afraid it will actually make me fat. It will I fear be a catalyst for uncontrollable eating. For my losing the control over my eating, which control has given me the one thing in life I am satisfied with, my thinness. I really fear this and need to write about this in real detail.
I feel as though fasting were something that someone outside me were imposing on me. I feel as though fasting were a real surrender, and as though fasting involved some kind of submission to something that was going to force me to be fatter than I wanted to be. I do not think it is really good for me to submit to something like this. Yes, my food-self-intoxication is bitter and solitary and angry and incapacitating but it is to some extent controllable and predictable . Or is it. It is true that when I lose control, as I did last week with the butter and peanut butter, I have to really decide to submit to a life of virue, I really have to "surrender," in order to get back in control. ... I just think it is really NOT OK for me to be forced into a life of virtue or surrender - for me to shame and beat myself into "sobriety" instead of really coming to the conclusion in a considered and non-rushed way that sobriety is for me. Well -- I have seen that drunkenness quickly gets out of control and does make me fat I guess; and also dhas unpleasant consequences in homelessness and inability to keep a job and in being unable to have relationships at all; ... and in being depressed and anxious. But... sobriety as an alternative??? What would sobriety force me into? Some sort of exactly-in-the-middle-of-the-fat-American-weight-chart, vacuous, humiliated, fat state? Chunked up and with an empty sedated grin on my face? Tolerating not only the humiliation and violation of being forced to be fatter than I want to be, but also myriad other violations and humiliations in life -- perhaps living in a hideous house, grinning idiotically in this sedated submission all the time, and having some kind of stultifying, factory job or secretarial job, and having lower middle class, fat, ugly, emotionally violent friends who bark about the weather and their illnesses and beat their children and buy Cocoa Puffs and Pop-Tarts. THis is what I vaguely fear fasting would lead me to.
Well, something in me wants the excitement and rush of slamming food. I have to remember the terrible Depression that ALWAYS follows this getting high. I am in it right now. Partly to blame is the poor quality of the food I last ate; but eating at all was the fundamentally wrong part of the interaction with that food.


Right now I am trying to get myself into a mindset in which fasting is ok and pleasurable and acceptable and tolerable. I do not feel that it is. I do not know how to keep myself on the fast. I have to go now and examine my fears about fasting. I have to decide whether on balance I want to fast. I am furious since there seems to be no other way to have any life. And it seems as though to fast is to submit to soem kind of rape, violation. And it seems as though I am not safe fasting -- not safe from being violated. It seems like God is going to violate me. It seems like I am going to be forced into something I don't want. I don't feel in control. i don't feel I am operating by choice. . I am lazy and don't want to deeply understand these fears. i am lazy and don't want to go to the beach and do my exercises. i just want to sleep. Maybe I actually will sleep some more.

I wish I could really dare to look at how I think fasting will force me to be fat. i see this clearly now as my secret fear -- I see that I am experiencing violation in the fasting -- but can I find a way around this. I may need to lay off. I may need to just really tread carefully if I tread at all. I do not know what to do. I want to keep posting and keep writing so as to understand all this.