Age: 19

Gender: female

Describe your feelings towards anorexia/bulimia (lifestyle choice, disease, etc.): Disease


What were/are you trying to achieve through anorexia/bulimia (weight loss, gaining control, pleasing others, etc.): weight loss, pleasing others, pleasing myself when I look in the mirror, self-acceptance, to look like the girls in the magazines who seem so happy and beautiful



Are you ever content with yourself (if so, what do you like about yourself): Not really, I'm a perfectionist and I'll never be good enough.


If not, what would make you content with yourself: To look like a supermodel: tall, thin, perfect skin and hair, perfect features, to be more intelligent and talented artistically



How often do you think about your own weight? Everyday, everytime I eat


How often do you think about the weight of others (family, friends, peers)? Not too often, except when they're overweight and eating junk food - then I worry they'll get diabetes and wonder why they don't eat better


How often do you think about celebrity/model weight? everytime I see a celebrity/model I wonder about their weight

If there was not so much emphasis on celebrity thinness, do you believe that you would still feel the way you do? I would still see the pictures of thin celebs and want to look like that. If the pictures were different, then maybe. But regardless, if it weren't weight it would be something else, like having a little nose like a celeb or Angelina Jolie's lips. We want to copy what we see in the magazines.


When did you begin anorexia/bulimia and what “drove” you towards it? When I was 14, although I developed anorexic tendencies as far back as 12 - I would starve myself to lose weight, even though I was at a "normal" weight, even thin. Going through puberty was very scary, I had always been rail thin with no curves, then I suddenly started gaining lots of weight and puppy fat and got a period. It was frightening. We never talked about puberty in my family, or anything that could be potentially "embarrassing" for that matter. I never told my mom I even got my period, she never asked and it was never discussed. It was a confusing time and I felt very alone and not ready to grow up. I became very insecure about myself. And then I went to high school and everyone seemed to be prettier and thinner and more popular than me, and I wanted to emulate the pretty girls. My mom is overweight and has been on multiple diets my whole life, and she hated her body and had very low self esteem and told me she was fat and praised me for being thin, telling me I was lucky I could eat this and that and stay thin. Thus I learned very early on that thin is good, fat is bad. I felt losing weight and being thinner would make me happier, more beautiful and more popular. I was also raised in an abusive home - my mom's husband (my step-father) is verbally and emotionally abusive.


How long were/have you been anorexic/bulimic? 5 years now.

What caused you to stop (if applicable)? I recovered for 6 months when I was 15 because I went to an ED program at a hospital. I relapsed when I was sexually harassed by a male teacher at 16 and I haven't recovered.

Will you ever stop (if applicable)? I don't know. Part of me feels like if I gain weight I'll be unattractive and fat. The other part of me doesn't want to grow up and subject myself to being hurt again by yet another man.


Did/does athletics play a role in having anorexia/bulimia: It did when I was recovering/recovered. I got very into spending time at the gym and becoming muscular and strong, instead of weak and thin. It helped a lot in my recovery, because it gave me something more positive to focus on. But then I lost the energy to work out when I became thin again.


What/who inspired/inspires you to continue anorexia/bulimia: the media. I go on gossip blogs and they make fun of people who look normal for being fat and ugly (perezhilton.com does this alot). If you don't look like one of the young celeb party girls always in the media, then you're fat and need to loose weight or get plastic surgery.


On a scale of 1-10 (1 being not at all, 10 being absolute), how in control did/does having anorexia/bulimia make you feel? 5 - it makes me feel a bit more in control of how I look, but it makes my life feel out of control because my family doesn't understand and they persecute and isolate me for it. If I don't eat like them, they don't bother with me. It's very lonely.