Is there any hope for a messed up re... 
#41561
17 y
2,680
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There are so many problems...he is insecure and very unhappy with his life. This is something I cannot change. He has told me before he is very depressed...he doesnt really show it but there are obvious anger problems that only come out towards me.
We have these horrible fights, which obviously I have a part in as well, Im not saying Im perfect. These fights scare the hell out of me, he has never hit me but he screams and acts scary and makes me feel so horrible. He also has physically "intimidated" me on more than one occasion which is a little too close to physical abuse for me..(example..once he went nuts in the car when I was in the drivers seat and he was next to me-we were parked. He was slamming the dashboard and the steering wheel and hitting everything around me without hitting me, and then he kept lunging in my face and screaming at me when I flinched yelling "what the f*ck do you think I would hit you? is that what you think?!!!!!")
During these fights he makes me feel like Im the most horrible girlfriend on earth and I make him miserable and he doesnt even like me..he tells me SOOOOO much stuff that has destroyed my self esteem and its hard to even look at him after..my friends say this is emotional abuse and I kind of agree..it feels like this horrible cycle because then he will later say "No, I do like you, I love you, I just want to forget it happened." and he has told me Its not me thats messing up his life he is just depressed in general and he doesnt know why we have these fights, that Im not doing anything wrong. Ill always try to forget about it and then we will go along kinda ok for awhile..but there is always this underlying tension. Im afraid around him..its like everything is ok as long as I dont say the wrong thing and set him off...basically everything is fine as long as I watch myself..but God forbid I have a bad day..Im a girl..sometimes I get emotional..sometimes I get PMS..(and I dont mean like crazy emotional or anything, just your completely normal womanly touchiness here and there). Ive been through emotional problems and 6 years of therapy so trust me I KNOW when I AM acting nutty and I admit when I do so but I havent been.
It seems he finds something to dislike about me or be pissed off at me for all the time. Ive tried changing things to please him SO much but usually he wont directly tell me stuff he just says "the way you are PISSES ME OFF" or like the other day, he was acting really mean to me out of nowhere when we HAD been having a good day and I asked "why are you doing this? whats wrong?" and he said I cant ask him why is he doing this anymore because when I say that it makes him want to "flip this f**cking table over and walk out on you" (we had been eating dinner when this happened). I really dont understand what I say that deserves such a reaction.
The last fight we had was just so horrible. Screaming for hours...he called me a crazy bitch and walked out...I left...we screamed at each other on the phone for hours more and at one point he told me to commit suicide and I couldnt take it...had a total nervous breakdown. I cannot take it when someone I love tells me such horrible things...it took him an hour to call back and see if I was alive..which I was after hyperventilating and sobbing on my bathroom floor for an hour. At that point he broke up with me. BUT OF COURSE...he takes it all back later.
Im scared for myself. Im in this really scary cycle of emotional abuse and I feel I cannot get out of it. I DO love him very much, and I realize he has very serious problems. Its codependent in the way that every time I think I should leave he admits about his problems and says he needs me to help him. I havent seen him since that last fight (monday night), but we have talked on text, and he has said things like "Im more depressed than ever but now I have no one to lift me up". This makes me feel extremely guilty. He also ALWAYS does this thing where he basically rips me apart verbally, but the next day just says "he didnt mean it and wants to forget it, and its up to ME whether we stay together or not, he can get over it if I can".
He cant say these things to me, eroding my self worth, then the next day dump all of the responsibility for making the relationship work on ME. It makes me feel guilty and very confused.
Ive told him I cant do it anymore, but Im weakening. I miss him..and I worry for him...my friends all tell me that this is a cycle of emotional abuse and I HAVE to get out...but I dont know how...I am such a strong woman in my normal life and I dont know why I have this weakness when it comes to men or why I seem to attract these types-this is not my first relationship with this type of guy with these types of anger problems.
I keep telling myself..if I just didnt love him..I would leave so easy. But I see the look in his eyes when hes sorry afterwards...I KNOW in my heart he isnt a bad person but he needs help I dont know if he will ever get..I want to help him but after a year together and at least 6 months of these types of isses, I dont know if I can. Please dont respond to this with "just leave him" like so many people say to me because I cant. I feel responsible for him...like if I leave him he will get more depressed...I love him...if he was happy I would be happy with him..but his issues go so beyond me...and I have my own issues as well Im trying to deal with, getting my health together (I post here in the Health Forums a lot under a different username) and this isnt helping. I feel sick for days after these episodes.
Is there any way to work on issues such as this? Everyone tells me HE needs to work on them and Ive told him this but nothing ever happens...I want to go to therapy or something but I dont think we can really afford it...
And if you think I should leave...how? I just dont know how to walk away. I always make it a few days and then start missing him and then he calls saying he misses me and it starts all over...
Sorry that was so long..I probably sound really stupid. Thanks to anyone who reads it...even if you cant help its good to get all of that out...
I just dont know what to do. :(
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- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #68716
17 y
2,078
This is a reply to # 845,618Sorry for the length of this reply, in advance!
"I DO love him very much" I don't mean to come across as harsh, but please consider what, precisely, it is that you "love" about this man. Love does not equal fear, neglect, injury (emotional/physical), terror, withold/reward tactics, anger, dehumanization, blame, etc.
"the way you are PISSES ME OFF" RED LIGHTS!!! WARNING!!!! DANGER!!!!! The "way you are" is a direct attack against your personality and self esteem! It is a glaring, obvious tactic to force you to feel guilty for something that, at one time, drew him to you! If you weren't "like that," he wouldn't be compelled to...torment you, frighten you, debase you, humiliate you, damage you? "The way you are" should be that which binds him to you - your love, life, happiness, comfortable company, etc. Again, start considering just what it is that you "love" about this man.
"He cant say these things to me, eroding my self worth, then the next day dump all of the responsibility for making the relationship work on ME. It makes me feel guilty and very confused." But, my dear, he DOES say and do everything to erode your self worth. That you have been involved in counseling hasn't done you any justice: GET A NEW COUNSELOR/THERAPIST that specicalizes in domestic violence and abuse. Mention the word, "narcissist," to your therapist. Your guilt and confusion are all part of the vicious game that a narcissist plays.
Please, see the following sites:
http://www.healthline.com/search?q1=narcissistic+personality+disorder&utm_source
http://samvak.tripod.com/
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/
http://www.feminist.org/other/dv/dvhome.html
http://www.actabuse.com/dvstats.html
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
For all intents and purposes, it sounds as if your boyfriend is an abusive narcissist. The strategies that he employs are classic: whithold/reward; promotion of fear and ridicule; dehumanization; blame; etc. If you look very, very deep, you might begin to see that the "qualities" that you fell in love with never existed. Those qualities were mirrored by your abuser from you. Narcissists do not empathize which is to say that they do not feel what other human beings normally do. The "emotional" responses are actually carefully studied and mirrored back to produce the superficial image that we fall for. He is charming. He is witty. He is kind. He is caring. He is courteous. He is sensuous. All of those "positive" attributes have been stolen, if you will, from us. He will only be as charming as you are. He can only be as witty as you are. He is only as kind as you are. He can only be as sensuous as you are. Etc.
Read up on narcissism and domestic violence at the sites I've posted for you. Then, start writing some of these episodes down as a tool of reference. NOT to be discussed with him - he will deny his culpability and use your tool against you in any way that he can. As you begin writing down these events, start comparing the events to a self-devised scale - perhaps, 1 to 10. So, you can say, "On Easter, he frightened me so badly that I was at a 9 on fear," etc. THEN, go beyond the obvious events and look at the day-to-day things that tear you down - little remarks that burn your self esteem, or slap-fighting that ends up hurting you, or wrestling that is only used as a method to convey his physical power over you. You will likely see a pattern of abuse and violence (it doesn't have to be PHYSICAL to be violent!) that has dominated your entire relationship with this man. Once you see this pattern, you'll soon see that there's not one thing about this man that you love that was an honest character attribute. Then, you'll run like your azz was on fire.
Best wishes to you, my dear. Thank God you aren't married or have children with this rat-bastid!
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- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #69242
17 y
2,076
This is a reply to # 845,618Advertisement
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If you are suffering with health related issues, then you must first take care of yourself. Women tend to think more of others then themselves. You can't fully help anyone else if you are not well. I can't be sure of what problems your boyfriend has, but clearly there are problems.
I am currently in a marriage that is falling apart and all I can do is take care of myself. I caught my husband cheating. I got so sick I thought I would die. It has been hell for more than a year now. He feels horible about what he has done and can't do enough to make it up to me, but it doesn't change how I feel. I have never felt so alone. I simply don't see him the way that I used to, I pick out all of his flaws, things I have never noticed before. I have lost respect for him. I have lost my love for him. I no longer feel safe with him.
Before finding out, he was my hero and he could do no wrong. I never would have let someone come between us. I loved him more than any other man that I have known. I trusted him more than I ever trusted anyone. I was never jeleous and never questioned his actions, even when I probably should have. I simply believed that he would honor our marriage, our legal agreement, to be faithful to each other. I have never hurt him; I have been loving, understanding and trusting. We've been married for 13 yrs now, have 4 kids, a lab, a cat and a mortgage. This is not easy to walk away from.
So, obviously our situations are very different, but we are both in pain and suffering. What is the same is that your boyfriend and my husband have unresolved issues that are having negative impacts on their lives. My husband has insecurity issues and feels the need to get the attention of other women and I don't know what your boyfriend is dealing with. I wish I would have recognized my husbands problems earlier. There were symptoms---jeleous and untrusting nature.
There is always hope, and people can change and so can feelings and that is what I cling to, because I can't walk away, can you?- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #68716
17 y
1,996
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This is a reply to # 845,962Speedy, have you and your husband gotten into some marital counseling, by any chance? Once trust is shattered, it's very, very difficult to rebuild - you know, all the King's horses and all the King's men, etc...
When children are involved, it only seems to amplify the damage that's been done. If we're responsible adults, the kids will never, ever know the details of the core issues, but they will definitely see and experience the ramifications of the trust that's been ruined. In fact, it can be even more damaging to the kids to watch their parents "go through the motions" of living in the same proximity without actually behaving like partners and companions - hence, the importance of joint or independent marital counseling.
Hopefully, your situation isn't the same as the original post's! She's obviously dealing with an abusive narcissist who is deliberately inflicting damage to feed his sick need for control. It might be that your husband just made a really stupid decision. This does not mean that his choices are to be tolerated or viewed as acceptable, by any means! It's just a hope that I have for you that you aren't living in an abusive environment and, therefore, should be running (not walking) away.
Best wishes to you.- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #69242
17 y
1,928
This is a reply to # 845,975Advertisement
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Actually, my husband is very sweet and kind and he has never been verbally or physically abusive. He is a very likable and easy to get along with man. He is also a wonderful dad. He is also a terible liar and that's how he got caught. He is truly bending over backwards to make things right. We have been to counseling, no help. We are seeing an energy healer and she has been able to aleviate much of my pain, especially the nightmares. However, my hate and disgust manages to return after a while. If she lived closer I would see her more often, but she is 2.5 hrs away. I also have lyme disease, which took a turn for the worst upon the troubles of marriage. I am feeling much better now. Actually my health is better now than its been in about 8 yrs. I am feeling strong and beautiful again. I really wish that I could love him again, but I simply can't find it within me.
As for the kids, they never see or hear us argue and have no idea there is a problem. I have told their teacher's about the situation and asked them to report if they notice any problems. Last marking period are two youngest had some focusing issues, but this marking period there was improvements in grades and focusing. They seem to be just fine and I plan to keep it that way. The youngest is 9; oldest 18.
I really enjoyed reading your message, SoulfulSurvivor, you are insightful and wise.
Take care
- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #69242
17 y
1,928
- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #68716
17 y
1,996
- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #38976
17 y
2,132
This is a reply to # 845,618Just_D had posted this link before:
The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
http://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Overcoming-Destructive/dp/0449...
This is an excellent book, you may want go to the link and check some excerpts, then maybe check it out of the library.
This book goes into the subject so tangibly it is like opening a door and seeing these episodes and outbursts with explanatory subtitles.
It shines a light on your behavior and his, and has suggestions and questions to help you decide how to proceed.
It sounds like he witnessed this type of behavior in his youth, or perhaps developed it as a defense mechanism, and does not even know when he became the "abuser". And there is also a reason that you developed tolerance or even acceptance of such treatment.
I cry for both, for both are hurting souls.
One thing is certain: you should not continue to live your life in fear, like walking on eggs - you both have to either work to heal and change or go separate ways.
Please take a look at this book, it is not very long and it written in an easy to follow format and language.
Also to consider, is your current health regimen - since diet and nutrition can also affect mood and agression. Hypoglycemia, mineral or other metabolic imbalances may be causing depression, anxiety and agression.
Perhaps deleting sugar, white flour and table salt and increasing your fresh fruits and vegetables, water, and adding unprocessed pure salt (Celtic, Himalayan) into your diet may be a good start? and maybe taking a good food based multivitamin? I know this may sound trite, but having good nutrition helps to start your day with a clear mind and imparts a feeling of peace that may help in supporting your body in dealing with the stressful stituation you are both facing.
Look inside, learn to love yourself, and develop your spiritual self. You need to find yourself, connect to your inner child, and look for answers that fit your spirit.
I pray that you both find your paths to peace and renewal. (Together or apart)
MadArt (ist)
- Thanks! More thoughts from me #41561
17 y
2,105
This is a reply to # 846,061Advertisement
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I have been on the road to health for awhile now, and am definately very interested in healthy diet, etc. Interesting you mention hypoglycemia because I do have that actually. I take supplements for it and eat a pretty good diet. I also suffer from hormonal problems(severe pms, cramps and bad Acne all the time) and mood issues but I am doing a lot of work on those..I just finished a parasite cleanse and am doing a Liver Flush soon. I am SO much better than I use to be from the cleanses and nutritional work Ive done. So Im working on it and trying not to let this all get in the way.
I will look into buying that book. I think its probably something I need to read because I always seem to attract guys like this and I feel afraid that if I fall in love again one day-will he turn out the same way?
I havent spoken to my boyfriend at all much lately. It seems for some strange reason his phone is not working and I cannot recieve his texts...I havent called him..we usually talk over text. I havent seen him either but I know I cant run from it forever..he has yet to offer me any sort of solution to these problems..I know he wont be able to. Im not sure what to tell him...I just weaken when I talk to him..in the abuse forum I was asked to think what I love about him...and I dont know...I loved who he was in the begining I guess...I loved the way he made me feel. So happy and fulfilled...he was nice and funny and SOOOO cute and seemed to care about me SO much...he helped me through some personal problems I was having at the time...but then..all hell broke loose. I honestly DONT like a lot of things about his character...he is insensitive most of the time..he says stupid things which I dont find funny..he has said a lot of rascist remarks which I REALLY dont find funny...he doesnt care about the news/world events or have a lot of enthusiasm for things I believe in (Im very spiritual, believe strongly in God, and also am very big on animal rights, and Im a vegetarian which he seems to find sorta dumb). Also he doesnt do much besides watch tv when he isnt working..where as I have lots of hobbies such as reading, painting (Im an artist as a "second job" that I dont make much money at hahah), I have many goals and he doesnt seem to know what he wants to do...I could go on and on.
So when trying to figure out what I love about him....I dont know. He isnt the same person he used to be..I should explain something else...we were both BIG drinkers and partiers when we first got together...in fact I was pretty much a binge drinker and borderline alcoholic..after one too many scary nights waking up covered in my own vomit, I decided to completely quit drinking and clean up my life. He didnt like this much at all. He seemed to almost want to convince me that there was nothing wrong with my drinking before-and trust me, there was, honestly I feel Im lucky to be ALIVE. I think he resents me for cleaning up my life. I had quit smoking as well and he was a smoker.
It seemed to happier I got with myself, the more he dislikes me...Im well aware that follows the pattern. Im still confused but I feel more and more like I cannot go back unless EVERYTHING would change (and he told me everything would change after the last time I dumped him and here we are again)
I cannot thank you all enough for your taking the time to respond about my situation. Im very thankful for all of you, and I truly love curezone, I feel so many kindred spirits here. Much love ~- Re: Thanks! More thoughts from me #68716
17 y
1,985
This is a reply to # 846,288Read about narcissism, please. Changing your lifestyle, diet, and nutrition is wonderful and will definitely help you feel better, from the inside out. However, this personality type has nothing to do with physical health and/or wellness. I know many, many physically healthy and conscientious people who have been taken in by narcissists - either dated them or were befriended by them. Intellect has nothing to do with being a victim of a narcissist - in fact, the more intellegent a person is, the more likely they are to be the Trohpy Maximus for a narcissist!
A narcissist reflects those qualities that they lack, themselves. You were already happy and fulfilled, witty, and fun when you met him - he was just mirroring YOUR own qualities back to you. The person that you fell in love with never existed - it was a mirage, if you will, of your own hopes and dreams. He (like other narcissists) siezed on your desires, made them appear real, and then drew you in like a fish on a hook.
Of course, he wanted you to continue drinking! Keeping victims groveling is one of the greatest delights of the narcissist. They maintain the power as long as we are dependent upon them.
Thank goodness you can get out without the baggage of being married with children! And, it must be noted that we grieve for our loss of the narcissist because those of us who have the capacity to feel with other human beings cannot imagine that every aspect of the narcissistic personality was a complete sham. "But, I remember when he....." will always crop up. Well, the day that he brought me chicken soup when I thought I was miscarrying was a clear setup, as well, and NOT done out of human kindness. Years later, he would use that act as a tactic of punishment, "I took care of you and THIS is how you're going to act by undermining my authority?" Nothing is ever done without an ulterior motive, whether it's premeditated or subconscious.
Turn off your Cell Phone , don't text him, call him, or communicate with him! This is a chance for you to get out with your soul intact and help your other friends to recognize and avoid becoming entangled with an abusive narcissist, whether they be friends or lovers.
See:
http://www.heartlessbitches.com
Best of wishes to you!
- Re: Thanks! More thoughts from me #41561
17 y
1,998
This is a reply to # 846,734Advertisement
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Thank you so much...it is extremely hard for me but you have helped so much.
I have not seen him or spoken to him much at all and I think its definately a good thing...I definately feel lucky we did not have children...that was an issue we fought about honeslty..he wanted marriage and children and said there was something wrong with me that I wasnt ready for that with him..that I was a "sad person who didnt believe in love"....interesting how he expected me to want that with him while starving me emotionally and breaking me down like that. It fits even more with the qualities you have been describing.
- Re: Thanks! More thoughts from me #41561
17 y
1,998
- Re: Thanks! More thoughts from me #68716
17 y
1,985
- Thanks! More thoughts from me #41561
17 y
2,105
- I wanted to add #68716
17 y
2,035
This is a reply to # 845,618You sound as if you're dating my eldest son - narcissist supremo. He forced his wife to change her appearance, her belief system, and isolated her from all of her friends and family. For all of her care and concern for him, he repaid her by beating her nearly to death. She has since gotten a divorce or annulment, I hope.
If you choose to go back to this man, he will end up beating you - to death, possibly. Verbal threats only go so far and there will come a time when you stand up for yourself and he'll resort to physical violence while blaming you for forcing him to beat you.
You do not need to have any communication with this person, ever again. If you do not own a joint banking account, mortgage, furniture, etc., then you never, ever need to respond to his pleas, calls, text messages, or anything else. This next statement will sound harsh and I cannot apologize for typing truth: you are not safe with this man, under any circumstances. The next time that you go back to him, he will be emboldened enough to move onto physical violence and, quite possibly, rape. Why would he do this? Control, period. He does not love you, honey - he loves controlling you, no matter what else he has ever said to the contrary.
"More depressed than usual..." as if that's YOUR responsibility? Honey, you are responsible for only ONE thing - your Self (your Life's Spark). You can control only one thing - your Self. You are not responsible for this man's emotional state - he is choosing to use whatever he can to pull you to heel like a dog. Run, honey. Run like the wind from this one and you'll be wiser for your experiences.
Best of wishes to you. - Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... been there done that
17 y
1,996
This is a reply to # 845,618Advertisement
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I was reading these posts and couldn't find my post to you. I just found it in the abuse forum. Just in case you haven't seen it, I will copy and paste.
------------------------------------
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww, you love him! Well, he's a nutcase, but you love him,...HE IS A NUTCASE.
You have love in your heart, that's why you love him, but your love has nothing to do with him,...he is not returning LOVE.
You know love as a sentiment (not just an "emotion", whether you realize it or not). He sees/senses this in you and knows that because you are warm-hearted, you can be convinced and you can be made to feel guilty about whatever he wants you to feel guilty about (very common in society). Usually, he will convince you to feel guilty about something when he is actually the guilty one, but chances are he does this also because he does things ALWAYS (even when you're not around, work, meeting strangers, etc.) that no decent person would do,...and the things he does are "slimeball" (maybe even psychotic/criminal) and he "redeems" his conscience (temporarily and repeatedly, since it's not possible for him to TRULY redeem his conscience) by getting you to accept guilt for something.
There are billions of people in the world dying and suffering because of reasons that are not their fault. He is suffering because of his own fault (poetic justice). Don't feel sorry for him, he will use and abuse you because that's the type of person he is (whether you like it or not), he will destroy your life (later for him).
I grew up in a dysfunctional family that ostracized me and I suffered 51 years of suicidal depression. I loved my father VERY, VERY much (2nd to God, he was the most fantastic person I ever knew). Two months ago, I had a dream where I saw him when I walked into a room where he was sitting. There were many empty chairs next to him, but I only smiled at him and kept walking (I had nothing to say to him). This surprised me when I woke up, but it also surprised me while I was IN the dream. This is the value of love. Love is in my heart and no doubt my father's heart, but reality is reality. On thanksgiving, I thanked God for EVERYTHING in the whole world. Then He said to me "Now tell me all the reasons you are thankful that you were born". Well, He shut me up with that one. I guess He said that to show me that reality is not made out of love (and He wanted me to get this suicidal regret that I was born out of my head).
So, you feel LOVE! Good, that's what's in your heart, but be responsible, don't ruin your life, don't cast your pearls before swine.
-----------------------------------
There is a way to link your posts to multiple forums.
At the top of the forum page on the left, it says "Post a NEW message". When you click on that, it offers the option at the bottom of the page (after you write the post) to choose which other forums you also want to post in.
- Re: Is there any hope for a messed u... #68716
17 y
2,078
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