Hello

I wonder if anybody can help at all.

First of all I will give my d.o.b. – 16th December, 1975. Born in Harare (formerly Rhodesia) in Zimbabwe, approx. 7.15pm Africa time.

Recently (or actually, have always) felt that life is a struggle. Maybe I am here to learn more lessons and spiritually evolve, I don’t know. Here’s a brief summary:

All was okay until age ten – parents divorvced – Mum remarried – stepfather turned out to be extremely violent – there followed lots of horrible periods of violence, rows, sheer terror and stress. Culminated in my Mum, sister, brother and me escaping to Africa to Grandparents. Stayed three months, came back, brother and I moved in with Dad, Mum and sister returned to stepfather. They endured more violence, but fate stepped in and the guy died from lung cancer. My Mum’s d.o.b. is 23rd July, 1950, born in Scotland. She has had an extremely difficult life – beatings from her own Mum, divorce, domestic violence, death of a partner, remarriage to an alcoholic, now waiting to get divorced again.

After some more horrible times (agrophobia, near sexual assault age 13), things seemed to settle.

Then I became ill and discovered I’ve had candida for the past 13+ years, possibly as a result of all the stress from age 10 onwards. I am a hell of a lot better but every day it is a struggle working and trying to find the right things to eat. I do have a lot of help and support though but worry it is always going to be this way.

Relationships seem to be particularly difficult for me. Lots of heartbreak, always meeting the wrong guy, being let down etc. Current guy, I’ve been seeing for approx. three months. Thought all was well and this could be 'the one'. At weekend he told me something pretty horrifying he’d done when he was younger - he was very upset when he told me this and I know he knows it was a wrong thing to do. Now trying to digest this and figure out if it’s still safe to be with him. Think it is as he’s definitely a reformed character and he was only 13 when it happened. His d.o.b. is 21st August 1975. We’ve spoken about marriage etc – but he’s not sure about having kids, whereas I would definitely like them one day.

I don’t know if I have chosen this particular path to give me more strength, but to be honest I'm figuring why?!. It feels like life is one big struggle and I know there are people out there who are a hell of a lot worse off – but why do some people have it so easy and some of us just struggle constantly?

I’m sorry to sound so negative! I’m a very spiritual person and like to believe that things happen for a reason and that ultimately everything will be okay. But I just am so scared that my life is always going to be a fight and I will never get it right – then get sent back in the next life to do it all again but with an even harder lesson(s) to learn!

Any help, input, advice is really very much appreciated.
Thanks a million.