I'm 52 years old and outlived my whole family. My mother died last November and I've already had a dream about meeting her in a house that she moved to somewhere. My brother died 23 years ago. Eight years after I went to his funeral, I woke up one morning and got ready to go meet him for lunch. I couldn't find the address of the restaurant, but after ten minutes, I realized that I couldn't meet him because the last time I saw him was not when I went to his friends funeral, it was an open casket funeral and it was my brother laying there. Ten years after that, I was taking a class in Poetry and had to write something for homework. I couldn't imagine what I could possibly write (not a single word or thought), but after a total of four hours, I finally found a word that for some unknown reason, caught my attention. Over the next two days, that word became a sentence (still didn't make sense). Two hours later, I had a poem. A day later when I understood that the poem was about a fantasy funeral and the memories I wish I had of an imagary buddy, I had a dream that night.When I woke up, I couldn't remember anything about the dream except the only thing in the world that mattered,...my brother smiled at me.

I guess I just don't know how to mourn well like other people. Maybe it's because I had a different understanding of love. My parents divorced when I was young and I always knew that they shouldn't have married, therefore, my earthly heritage is not the same as everybody else's and I know that I should never have been born. I'm not talking about a pity party, I'm talking about my understanding of the SURETY (sense of security) that love is supposed to offer. Maybe it was the harsh realization (intense heartbreak) of knowing that nothing can be gained by crying (the dead can't be brought back to life). But, just like many chidren of divorce, I suffered LONG-TERM Depression that I just got over a few months ago (51 years) and crying was a luxury to me that I managed to enjoy once or twice a year because my mind had trouble actually realizing that "I"/self do in fact exist, yet, I am and always was a very loving person. If you have trouble mourning, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, it means you are a sensitive person with a warm heart, but you need to understand CONSCIENCE (develop a consciousness, be conscious of who you are and what type of person>>>warm and sensitive).

It was always my conscience that enabled me to cry. Now that I have recovered from my Depression by realizing who I am, I have recognized and freed my conscience that I am able to cry almost at will. Try some writing. That will be a big help.