She was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer in the last three weeks. She has a compression fracture low on her spine, several masses on her spine, on her liver and in her lungs. This is terminal and the best hope is 2-4 months with the treatments and pain relief she is being given. She is happy with her doctor, has two daughters in the city to help and support her, two other daughters (all in their forties and early fifties)who come and visit, friends who visit, enough medical insurance and money to be well cared for....
She and I have had a link psychically since birth. I have always known when she was depressed, even when she was suicidal once. Thsis link continued even after I moved away from that city about a year ago. My life is flourishing. I am happy and getting healthier with the flushing and cleanses I am doing.
I have known that for the last three years at least, that she was getting ready to leave, die... she told me in words and actions. Her interest in life diminished and she did alot of her spiritual work then...
I am not convinced that this is the end, that we shall not share other lives, other times together.. I can honestly say I won't miss her often, but when I do, it is likely to be sharp and painful and overwhelm me as it has/does with my Dad who died in 1995.
She is medicated, so is no longer in pain. I don't want her to suffer or stick around a moment longer than she needs to be here. I am deeply grateful for her nurturing and love and support throughout my life and I feel that sweet feeling the most often. I am a lucky woman to have had such a courageous, adventurous and exciting woman for a mom.
The problem I keep bumpbin up against is seemingly everyone else's expectation of my feelings. I am too calm for this person, too emotional for this other person. I should be angrier, sadder, enjoying the time we have, working harder with the details of her health and treatment, going to see her, staying in my own life and business and not sacrificing myself for her in any way!! The projected feelings are the worst part of this. I find the phone calls from family and friends, emails and their best intentions are more difficult to digest than this moment to moment experience of knowing my mom is getting her wish and is leaving us.
My mother and I are fine. If by chance she passed right now, or had done so three weeks ago, I know we were fine. I have nothing I need to say, nothing I need from her. And I am sure of this because I had plenty to say to my dad, plenty I wanted to hear from him... I got the chance, and I am grateful for knowing that the connection is so clear with my mom. I feel such love for her, for what she did for me. I do feel sad sometimes remembering how much she gave me, how much she did for me, how many times I could make her laugh, even the fights..... and then I cry and it eventually passes.
Part of the reason I am such a loner is that it takes me seemingly huge amounts of time to disengage and free myself from other people's headsets and opinions.. especially when they are yelled at me ... grin I need that time and solitude to process my feelings and thoughts as they come up.
I left Mom on Tuesday - allowing a reasonable time of a day or so to catch up on sleep.. I felt I should be able to work again by Thursday latest.. and it is almsot Sunday and I cannot seem to settle enough to paint... The calls keep coming, the people keep writing.. and I am having a heck of a time recentering myself again and settling...
I need to work to stay functional and as I call it - 'sane'... and I cannot seem to work, so I thought I would post this to help get it said... maybe this will allow me the peace I need to work.

I know that it is forbidden to be at peace with your mom dying, one is supposed to be a wreck, miserable, a mess.. but I am not.. I am whatever I am at the moment and clear as crystal that she has mor ethan done her time and she wants out...
And I wanted to write it somewhere that I love her, I am fine with her passing. I know we will be together again.. And she did a great job raising me and my sisters.
Best,
LN