Thank you Lapis for replying. Unfortunately I am not on a computer but on a webtv. It's just a stupid browser that cannot download, upload or even view many pages properly. Also I can't listen to audio files with it.

I am familiar with EFT, I have read almost every article on Gary's website and get his newsletter. I ordered his course on DVD and watched the first one but have never had the peace to watch any others. Those I live with make fun of everything I do. And it's not a joking sort, it's a mean belittling sort. I have the book that comes with the course on CD but as I said I have no computer to put it in so it goes unused. I looked for a service in town who would print it out on their computer but found no one.

With what knowledge I do have about EFT I have used it on myself for "minor" things and know that it works. For instance I have had horrible insomnia for months but after only one self-treatment with EFT I sleep good now. However, as I said in my first post, I have a virtual mountain of issues that I know has had a big hand in the development of my cancer, but have no idea where to begin peeling this onion.

The major issue I think is my sister. My life completely fell apart in 1999 and has been a landslide of bulls##t ever since. I will tell you about it so you can see what I'm up against.

In 1999, after a long separation, I got back together with my husband and we were going to move (with our 4 children) to live in Tn. I didn't know he was on drugs until my home was lost. We were homeless for 6 months. Then my sister let us stay with her. We were only there a week and a half and her and my husband got together. She went off in a mad crazy rage at me when I confronted her about it. The next day, Christmas, she threw me and my children out in the street and my husband stayed with her. Later my children told me all the horrible things my sister had said to them about me. Cruel, slanderous LIES. She told them things like "Your mother is trying to force you to live HER dream because she's old and her life is over." (I was in my late 30s!) She KNEW I wanted to go there to give them a better life than I ever could here. So many more things she said in those short days we were there. I was absolutely crushed, this all came out of the clear blue sky. I believed my sister loved me but it was obvious that for some reason that I still cannot figure out, that she hated me. Hate is a strong word and I use it for a reason.

I had $500 to my name and bought a falling apart 1970s travel trailer and moved into it with all my kids. It was so small you could touch the walls on either side with your fingertips. We lived in it for a year. It was pure hell. That was when my cancer started, I know because that was when ALL my health problems began and I slept all the time, something I had NEVER done before. In all this time my sister never once contacted me. I was grieving.

A year later we moved "up" into a dilapidated mobile home in the same trailer park. I hated it there but I was in Southern California and couldn't afford anything decent. By that time two of my kids had gone running with the bad crowd in the park and I was battling with them over their direction. One of them packed up their bags at age 15 and went to live with my sister who took the opportunity to brainwash her. She (sister) told her I was just a square who didn't want her to have any fun and so she allowed my daughter to run wild and she did. She got on dope, started drinking, slept in public parks, started dressing like a freak and treated me like human garbage. I was absolutely shocked and grieved and grieved. I just couldn't understand how my own sister could feel such hate toward me when I had never done a single thing toward her or her family but show love and kindness.

Between my sister's hate and my daughter's newly corrupted lifestyle, a lifestyle encouraged by my own sister, I finally succumbed to the cancer that was growing in me over the last two years. In mid 2002 I began hemorrhaging and wasting away. I was bed-ridden for 6 months. During this time I was never visited my anyone in my entire family. My teenaged son was the only one who took care of me. I felt so unloved and abandoned I became consumed with self hate and WISHED to die. I had no idea I had cancer. All the tests they ran on me came back clear!

My doctor scheduled me for a hysterectomy which I was glad to do. I vowed if I lived through it I would just pick up and leave for Tn regardless of my financial ability to and leave them all behind, or if I died on the table, that was absolutely fine too. I refused to take blood during my surgery, and my blood count was very low. The doctor was wary about doing the operation because my blood count was so low but I welcomed death and we went through with it. As I was wheeled into the operating room I prayed my last wishes to God and peacefully accepted that I would never wake up. But I did and was almost despondent about it. The doctor told me my blood pressure was the lowest he'd ever seen in a pre-op patient. I knew it was because I was at peace with death. Death had become my knight in shining armor, riding on his pale horse to rescue me from the pain of living.
A day later doc came to my bed and told me they had found invasive cancer of the cervix. I panicked and cursed God for making me live only to have me suffer through cancer! I was fully ready to accept chemo/radiation, I knew nothing else. Then, after a long and tearful prayer, I received an email from someone I never met with a link to a site called "Whale." I learned there about the crookedness of the medical establishment and that there were cures for cancer. It WAS an answer to my prayer.

After my first stint with cancer my daughter came home, apologized and completely changed her ways. It was then that I was told the full extent of my sisters black hearted slander against me. It hurt still but I had new bullets in my gun and I let it go to pursue my recovery. 6 months later, I sold my dilapidated trailer for $2000 and with nothing more than that and the clothes on my back, left on a greyhound for Tn. I was determined to make a life for myself and my kids there. I worked myself to exhaustion but after 6 months all came to nothing. I trusted the wrong people and everything fell apart. My father died suddenly then and I returned to Ca.

My sister did nothing but gloat about my failure to succeed in making a life for us in Tn. So did her (adult) son and my ex who was still living with her. Sister told me that now my youngest daughter (14) was on meth (speed) and had been for the last 4 months and was living on the street. She said she wouldn't allow her into her house as long as she was on that crap. Funny how she lets my ex in her house and he's a dam#ed junkie on meth! After I came back and spent a considerable amount of time crying and begging her to get off the drugs and away from all those lowlife people, she did, much to my great relief! That was when she told me my sister had kept drumming it into her head that I had abandoned her because I didn't love her and was never going to send for her. She said that was when she started doing drugs. My sister crushed my daughter to the point of her turning to dope to ease her pain!

Since returning to Ca a year ago I have been homeless. I stay with my mom sometimes but she lives in a senior apartment so I can't stay long. I am using her webtv now. My daughters are staying at Sue's where they are continually belittled and harassed and filled with lies about me. My daughters however aren't cracking this time and fight back with a mighty tongue! Lol. We have made plans to return to Tn in September and between our pitiful incomes figured we could save maybe $2000 by that time but wouldn't you know it, dear sister has to jump in and try and screw us out of it. She now wants our money or my daughters can no longer stay at her house, so one of them is giving her her entire paycheck to sleep on her floor. I tried to explain to sister how dire this last months of saving our money is, how if this move doesn't happen we all stay homeless, but she doesn't care.

Then this monday sis took me to the doctor because I started bleeding again and they said my cancer had returned. All this time all my funny little symptoms had me thinking it was returned cancer, (despite tests AGAIN showing nothing!)
but sis kept telling my kids I was just playing the violin and trying to get sympathy out of everyone and trying to control them with it. Now she was there when the doctors said it. Do you think it would get an ounce of kindness out of her? No. She seems genuinely glad that this will throw a stick in all our plans and took my daughter's money and says they can stay only two weeks.

So... there is a brief cut down version of the huge onion I must peel to get over all the pain and confusion and anger and and and... where do I start with EFT, what do I do?

I'm sorry this came out so long, I didn't mean it to when I started it. I hope it hasn't put you to sleep.

Thank you one again very much Lapis, and all of you who responded,

Most sincerely
N.

Oh yes, and if I can be here tonight I will tell you about my diet and environment. One again, thank you.