I have no memory of being molested, only sickening feelings when reminded of certain places and odd masturbating fantasies from a young age. There are times when I think I am about to remember and my brain starts screaming.

I am very afraid to have a false memory as much as I am afraid of having a real one. I am mainly here to lay out what I know about my past and the feelings I have in hopes of making sense of it or releasing it in some way.
I was raised in a cult like religion that has several molestation cases by people called workers who stay in the people of the churches homes.

My father was not in my life until I was 2.
My mother left him and took us to California when I was 4. He would visit and I remember California very clearly.

When I was 6 we returned to live with him and I do not remember much of that year, except school. My home memories consist of helping him untie his shoes once, stealing a chocolate kiss of his from the fridge, and the day my mom received the phone call he was in the hospital. He died that night. I always felt guilty for his death and I remember wishing him dead, although I don't know why.

One of the male workers told me it was ok, he was going to heaven but I remember feeling like I knew he wasn't.

After his death, male workers were no longer allowed in our home and I do not know exactly when, but I began to masturbate.

It wasn't just, oh this touch feels good, there were thoughts go along- being instructed to worship a man on the toilet, ants on breasts and crotch, and kids being instructed to touch each other while being photographed.



I read from a young age, so I used to attribute it to my imagination, but as I have aged it seemed strange to me because the chapter books I read were sweet valley twins elementary and things like that, my mom was very strict all the way through high school on what media I had access to.

I also began touching my brother and my good friend while telling them sexual stories. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I remember seeming unable to stop and feeling very guilty and wishing I would die. I would even masturbate while I slept next to my mom in the bed she used to share with my dad. I slept walk to her bed a lot from 7-9 she always told me.

Ever since that year I can remember a desire to disappear from existence or at least die being forefront everyday. Eventually, my friends brother wound up under her bed one night while we were doing all of that and he told his mother, as he should have. I was mortified. My friend asked me where I had gotten all of it from and I didn't really know, and felt ashamed, so I told her a girl at school.

Her mom never said anything to my mom as far as I know. In third grade I split myself into two different personalities in my mind but never gave them names. There was the me who could handle things and the one who did what she wanted, nothing too crazy I don't think?

I grew up very needy for the attention of men and was very sexually pliant, not really understanding I had the right to say no if I was not in public or even thinking if I go ahead and do what they say they will let me leave quicker.

My first time having sex, I had told the guy I did not want any penetration - once through text, once in person. While I was thinking about how I shouldn't even be there, he stuck it in, finished in a second and that was that. I remember feeling pain during, but afterwards nothing.

It felt familiar and I came up with Anika and Aisha. Anika was very sexual and down for anything- a real people pleaser.

Aisha was the admonisher, cleaning up the messes, getting what needed to get done, done. She didn't come around often, but Anika I could put on like a cloak. I could feel myself become her. I was me, but somehow someone else entirely.

Aisha only came out when things were really really bad mentally and therefore in my life.

During college, my friend wanted to stay and f*** her boyfriend so I slept in the other bed and woke up with a man inside of me.

I was ashamed and thought it was my fault. I also felt deep shame and Depression after an occasion with a man whom I was having consensual sex with when he instructed me to remove my clothes.

He did not say it in a mean or demanding way. Later that year I felt a male personality within me as well as a little girl.

The male was very domineering and angry and I never named it because it scared me. The little girl was always scared and quiet.

I never named her either, but have used her to help learn to love myself as a whole.

I often feel as if I am floating above my body and watching it do everything- very disconnected. Sometimes I don't feel anything for anyone, even the people I love. Other times I feel everything.

When I see a lot of daddy culture posts online, I begin to feel something in my mind twitch over time and I always get a very sick feeling with a twinge in my crotch at the same time.

I hate it and I feel very insane and f***ed up because I have no memories of it.

Eventually I would like to go to therapy because I obviously have issues whether or not I was sexually violated as a child, but its not an option right now and the thoughts about it are very prevalent in my mind lately.


Sometimes when I see pictures of my dad on my sister's Facebook I feel the same sick yet twinging.

I am generally unsure if how I feel matters or if its valid, so I do not know if its because I have a fear of it or because something happened.

In all honesty, if something happened I do not think I want to remember. I am trying to get it all off my chest mainly instead of having it whirl around inside my brain only, and do not feel comfortable doing so with my family or friends.

I guess that is it and I don't have anything else to say. From what I have shared of my experiences with people, they say it seems possible but I will probably never know and can only try to seek healing and closure so I can move forward with my life without allowing it to debilitate me as I have since I first felt that it was a possibility I was sexually abused.